Relief - Day 87

Relief 
Day 87

Relief is also a common emotion associated with grief, especially if your loved one was in pain or suffering.

Janet Paschal's grandfather had Alzheimer's disease. She says, "We had watched him change, and it was a very slow loss, a very slow process. So there was a sense of relief when he died, but at the same time, there was a selfish part of me that wanted him back, that didn't want to surrender him."

You may feel relief because the burden of responsibility has been lifted with the death of your loved one. Don't feel guilty about your relief. This response is natural and expected, particularly after a long struggle or illness.

"We count those blessed who endured. You have heard of the endurance of Job and have seen the outcome of the Lord's dealings, that the Lord is full of compassion and is merciful" (James 5:11 NASB).

Lord God, my feelings confuse and somewhat embarrass me. Thank you for granting me endurance, and please continue to guide me on my journey through grief. Amen.

~ This was a day that was skipped. I looked and realized I hadn't posted this day and then I looked at the email date. It was Friday, April 19th. I was trying so hard to not dwell and not fall back into the old habits of being tearful all day over missing my sister. It was her birthday and I wanted to be joyful and happy. I must have subconsciously put the email under the stack of invoices that I needed to enter because I needed to not deal with it at that moment.
This day's message really hits home for me. I felt a sense of relief when my mom passed and I felt really crappy about it. I was relieved that she was no longer hurting, that she wouldn't have to endure divorce, that she wouldn't have the pain every day of losing her first born child and that she wouldn't have to have any more migraines or sickness. I imagine in my mind that she is back in her full glory with both her legs and she is running around heaven healthy and full of joy.  BUT, that being said, I still miss her terribly and do sometimes still feel those feelings of guilt that I feel like I gave up on her by taking her off life support. I KNOW that she didn't want to be that way. I often go back to the what ifs and wonder if I had just pushed a little harder for her IF she would have made it. There was no telling if she would still be the same after crashing that morning. They brought her back, but it took them several minutes to get her back when she crashed.  I feel in my heart and soul that I did the right thing and yet my heart is sad that she isn't here. That just means that I really loved my momma.  I am working on letting go of that guilt so that I don't fall back in my old bad habits of grieving the wrong way.  Learning and growing each day. <3