If Only I Had ... - Day 86

If Only I Had
Day 86

"In God's economy you can't go back and say, 'I should have done this,' 'I should have done that,' or  'I didn't do this right,'" says Barbara Johnson, "because you did the best you could at the time that you did it. God knows your heart, and you can't live in a state of regret or wishing you had done something different. There has to be closure to that."

Many times you may beat yourself up thinking about the things you did wrong in regard to your loved one, or you are plagued with thoughts about what you could have done differently.

John's son committed suicide. He says, "Afterwards, I remembered every time I had yelled at him or punished him unjustly. I recalled every time I had yelled at him out of frustration and anger -- everything I had done wrong as a parent to him. It's like I was on the witness stand and there was a prosecutor who said, 'You did this and you did that.'"

John realized that his thoughts of blame, regret, and self-condemnation were harmful and they needed to stop. He knew that good, uplifting, and strengthening thought are from God and he needed to focus on them. He says, "God in his grace also reminded me of when I would come home and eat lunch with my son and we would have little talks. The little things we did were good. We did have some really good times."

Remember the good times, and counter your "if onlys" with Scripture. God's Word is powerful and will help you conquer the negative thoughts that play in your head. Choose a Bible verse to repeat throughout the day, replacing harmful thoughts with God's healing words.

"You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness" (Ephesians 4:22-24).

Lord God, teach me to put off my old habits of self-condemnation and bitter regret and replace them with a new attitude or prayer and Christlikeness. Amen.

~ I was just thinking these the other day. I just read a note that I posted on Facebook back in November of 2011. I had many if only moments and I felt the hurt in that note once again. Just when I think I have moved past the hurt, I read something I have written and I am once again reminded of where I was and I go back there. Not fully back there, because I have let some of that go and I have started healing. It just still is sad to read the words that are from my heart and head that I let rise to paper (the note on the internet).

Here is the note that I wrote:

Grief, self pity or lack of sleep?

by Amber Schoen (Notes) on Monday, November 21, 2011 at 7:20am

I sit here wondering if it is the lack of sleep, the excessive exhaustion due to the busy weekend, or my stupidity for watching Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice on the late night, but it brings me to wonder ... can grief be like alcoholism or any other addiction or disease where you relapse? I am not sure I am counting my blessings like I should anymore, because here I am up and trying to figure out why my heart hurts so badly again. They say the truth will set you free. Well, truth is .. I remember the last two phone calls I had with my sister. One telling her that mom had just gotten divorce papers and the other was telling her to call and check on mom and that I would call her back because I was trying to put Justice to sleep. I passed out. I didn't get to call her back. :( Then there is mom .. upset about the divorce papers then I got a call and drove to what I just knew was them looking at me telling me my sister was dead. The fucking police wouldn't even let me see her. It wasn't until her service that I got to see her. Wait I take that back, I got in my car and waited on the side of the house and saw the coroner wheel a body in a black bag out of the house. Then my family (God knows I love them) but my family put my mom and myself through this undue hurt of where my sister was to be buried. I watched as they lowered her into the ground. I watched as they capped the cement box. i stayed until the dirt was placed. THAT is hurt I pray that will stop replaying in my head and heart. What is worse than that? Finding my mother passed out on the floor, thinking she is dead because her sugar dropped too much. Two days later, her sugar going too low again and the paramedics having to give her glucose so she would come back to consciousness. I live that "if only" stage every now and then. If only I had made them take her to the ER, but then she wouldn't have been out in time to bury her daughter. If only I had taken the week off to respectfully grieve the loss of my sister. Instead, the way I dealt was to keep so busy that here I am coming up on my second Thanksgiving without my mom and sister, and I am in a stage of not functioning well. Taking my mom to the hospital with 105 fever and being told she had pneumonia, the flu and H1N1 was that double edged sword. At least she was in the hospital and they could get her better. I would be able to go to work and not worry as much about her being home and me coming home to find her passed out in the bed from low blood sugar. Except, she didn't get better. She got way worse. I am not sure if it was the meeting with a divorce lawyer the day after we buried my sister, or the grief of burying her first born, but my mom stopped fighting. I thought that she would fight harder for Justice. That was ME being selfish. Being called and having to make a decision to do dialysis on my mom was trying on me. It is difficult to say, but I wasn't the middle child anymore. I was now the oldest and my stepfather was less than helpful in the decision making. Ash and I stayed at the hospital as late as we could, but from sheer exhaustion went home only to get a call at 7am saying that my mom had coded, but they brought her back. I can't remember the drive back to the hospital. I remember making one call and then suddenly all the aunts were at the hospital shortly before or after Ash and I got there. Sitting in a room with 2-4 doctors as they are telling me that the life support isn't sustaining my mom. Telling me that the next step is to put her on a machine that would filter her blood outside of her body, but that it would be painful and in the long run, she wouldn't likely make it. Sitting in that room with everyone looking at me for the answer or at the very least the acknowledgment that I knew the decision that they needed me to make. I had to tell them to stop treating my mother. I had to tell them to take her off the machines because she wasn't even there anymore. I was there when the nurse turned off the machines and then walked out. I remember looking up and out the window and the nurse shook her head that mom was gone. am i bitter. hell yes. my step father didn't even come when my sister called him. my heart aches so badly, but maybe this is what i needed. to express my feelings and get it out, because i can't remember one person just sitting and listening to me. I've had people tell me that it has been long enough and that i need to "get over it" .. for them i pray that they never have to endure the losses that i did in the manner i did. i lost my sister unexpectedly and then essentially i pulled the plug on my mother. do i want sympathy? no. do i want everyone to start calling me and checking on me? no. tears are healing; so i've been told. with as much as i have cried, i think i expected to be more healed by now.

I shared this because it was on my heart to and it was in my every thought this morning.

Today, I am thankful for the strength to have written this so that perhaps I could be on my way to healing again. I am thankful for the outlet and thankful for every one of my friends and family. You all give me strength beyond your knowing. I am thankful for my son. He is my reason for living. Just when I think I am ready to give up, he comes and hugs me and tells me he loves me and makes the world all better again.