Unresolved Grief - Day 98

Unresolved Grief
Day 98

Unresolved grief multiplies your problems. So express your emotions, share your story, get angry if you need to, and tell God how you really feel. The person you lost would not want you to become trapped in a continual cycle of grief. It is not a betrayal of that person for you to get better. Getting better means you move away from the disabling aspects of grief. You don't stop missing the person or feeling the hole left in your heart.

Cindy recalls her husband's words to her at some point after their daughter died: "Why don't you take where you've been and what you've done and go forward with it and be proud that you survived it? Reach out to others who might be in need, and just be thankful that we had her."

Your steps through the grieving process may be halting, baby steps. As difficult as this may be, God wants you to walk forward through your grief. Remember the words of David in Psalm 23:4: "even thought I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me."

"By his light I walked through darkness!" (Job 29:3).

God, shine Your light in every corner of my being and show me the areas of my grief that I need to face and resolve. Amen.

~ I feel like I am past this point in my journey, but I certainly do remember this well. I felt stuck. I felt like I was in a dark tunnel and the light was so very far away. I felt like I was sinking and I didn't know how to swim to the surface fast enough. It was a feeling that I remember well enough to know that I don't want to go back to that place. I felt like I was not my own person anymore. I felt like I was just paddling in the water, but that there was a weight tied to my feet and it was making it to where I didn't know if I was going to sink or be able to swim. It was a very uncomfortable place and not one that I want to visit again. I think that going through the process has prepared me for losses to come. After all, someone once told me that we are born dying. We grow and live and ultimately are born dying. It didn't make sense at first, but now I suppose it does. I also heard that we are just living from one crisis to another. The crisis being losing a loved one.  There seems to be much truth in that statement. It is just how we learn to handle it that we realize that we CAN and WILL survive the loss. I am forever changed and I don't remember the Amber before my losses. She was a naive and sheltered girl. She didn't appreciate all the people in her life and was unaware that life can and will change in the blink of an eye. I am enlightened and forever changed. My new reality isn't all roses and fluffy bears. My reality includes the hurt and losses. I am, however, much stronger and more appreciative of my family and friends than I was before. I am blessed and will not take that for granted anymore.

Depression: When to Seek Help - Day 97

Depression: When to Seek Help
Day 97

If your depression persists for months and becomes a way of life, it is no longer normal grieving. You do not have to live with this.

If it goes on and on, get help.  Talk to a Christian counselor or your pastor or a doctor. This type of depression is what doctors would call clinical depression, and there is help for that.

Dr. Ray Pritchard says, "Don't give up. Pick up the phone. Call a friend. If that friend can't help you, call another friend. If the people at one church cannot help you, call another Christian church."

Take action to find help for your depression. And if that fails, try again.

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him" (James 1:12).

Father, it is only by Your grace that I can stand through this trail. Open the doors of help for me and strengthen me to walk through them. Amen.

~ I think that I waited a long time to get help. I tried to reach out to friends and family, but was met with some rejection. I asked the church after my mom died to help me understand and they couldn't. I stopped trying after that. I felt like I was getting rejected from every angle and it was my destiny to be stuck in this place of rejection, depression and loneliness. I struggled and can't remember a lot of the two years after my sister and mom passed. Then one day it was like the light switch was turned on. I was ready to live again. I didn't know how, but I am a fighter and I wasn't going to continue to be this empty shell of a mother for my son. He is so deserving of the love, attention and affection that I give him and I was in such a funk that I was pushing my own child away. I am so thankful and prayerful to God that he blessed me with my son. He is my reason for living. He is the reason that I continue to fight. Not just for myself, but for the fruit of my womb. Lesson in my story.. I gave for a time, but finally decided to try again and it was then that I was welcomed with loving arms into the GriefShare class and my healing really truly began.

Depression - Day 96

Depression
Day 96

Are you experiencing ...

• a complete lack of energy?
• difficulty sleeping?
• trouble concentrating?
• constant fatigue?
• no sense of enjoyment?
• apathy?

If your answer is "yes," then depression has come to you.

"Loss is one of the main causes of depression," states Dr. H. Norman Wright.

It is okay to be depressed; even Jesus was depressed when facing death: "He began to show grief and distress of mind and was deeply depressed" (Matthew 26:37 AMP).

You might be wondering about the difference between depression and sadness.

Dr. Wright explains, "Sadness doesn't last as long; it's not as intense, and it doesn't immobilize you. Depression lasts longer, and it does immobilize you . With sadness, you can still go about your work. Maybe with depression, you can do it at 70 percent of your capacity.

"The depression is there sometimes to numb you against the pain. Now, if the depression lasts and lingers for months, then maybe it has taken hold of you. But it's going to come."

Take comfort from the fact that your depression is normal and expected with the loss of a loved one.  Going from one emotion to the next is part of your movement through grief, so continue to take one step at a time and lean on the steady, secure arms of God. 

Jesus, I am senseless and paralyzed in the face of my depression. You, too, have felt this emotion. Help me to realize that depression comes to those in grief, and it's okay to feel this way. Comfort me, Lord. Amen.

~Amen! I was stuck in my depression for two years. It wasn't until I got off the depression meds that I was able to function again. It was a place that I don't want to revisit. I understand that it was a buffer for me and that it wasn't my time to "deal" with my losses at that time. I am much stronger today than I was 3 years ago when I lost my sister and then my mother. I have grown and have been moving through the process and thus learning along the way. I am blessed that everything has been happening in God's timing and not my own. I am also blessed that I am growing spiritually and THAT is His plan. Before I was broken down and unable to stand on my own two feet. I was going through the motions and not really living. Now, I feel alive again and it doesn't take away from the losses that I have endured. I just have to remember that there is no guilt in living, because I didn't die when they did. I shouldn't feel guilty about it nor should I harp on it because they are our angels and keeping us wrapped in their loving arms! 

Fear of the Future - Day 95

Fear of the Future
Day 95

"When you have an anxiety or fear, this is a feeling of concern about the future. Sometimes you may ask the question, what if ...? And you answer it to yourself. Then you ask the question again, and the second time you answer it, you embellish the answer.

"You can actually create a genuine fear of the future by what goes on in your mind," says Dr. H. Norman Wright.

The Bible says that God is love. It also says that love cannot coexist with fear. So if Jesus lives in you, you do not need to fear. If you have accepted Christ as your Lord and Savior, then He dwells in you and in your mind.

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love" (1 John 4:18).

Lord Jesus, I believe in You, and I wand You to live in me. Forgive me of all my sins. Amen.

~ Amen! I think that we fear the unknown, but if we knew what was to come I think we would fear that as well. It is that double edged sword that I try to steer clear of in my life. I used to ask "why" all the time. "Why did God do this to me?" Then it changed to "Why did God do this for me?" Then I started grief class and knowing isn't resolving the hurt. If I knew why my sister had to die and/or why my mom had to die, it wouldn't have made them not being here any less painful. I hurt/grieve because I loved them so very much. Each day I learn and grow and the hurt is a little less, but I will never forget my mom or my sister. I won't forget their mannerisms or their laugh. I struggle with losing the sound of their voice in my head, but I know it is in my heart.

Growing Through Loneliness - Day 94

Growing Through Loneliness
Day 94

Loneliness is never comfortable, but if you ask Him, the Lord can bring something good out of it.

"The Lord sees to it that you find yourself in a lonely position sometimes," says Elisabeth Elliot, "not necessarily geographically. You can be in a crowded room and still be lonely.

"You need to recognize God's discipline of loneliness when it is assigned to you and receive it with both hands saying, 'Lord, I would not have chosen this, but I will receive it. Now teach me what I can only learn in loneliness.'"

It is not God's plan to give you everything you want for your life or to ensure that you are always comfortable and problem-free. God has made life so that it is filled with times of receiving and times of letting go. And He wants you to learn to be content where you are now, because He is with you.

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:12-13).

Lord God, teach me what I can learn in loneliness. Amen.

~ I have learned that I need to get comfortable being uncomfortable.  It isn't an easy lesson by far, but it certainly is a learning experience.  It is then that we learn the most about ourselves and stop holding ourselves back. I think this is true of loneliness as well. I am a single mom in a single relationship situation. I often get lonely even though I am rarely alone. I guess part of me longs for companionship. I've got my son and he is a blessing. I often thought I was destined to be alone except for my son. I know now that this is just my season of loneliness so that I can learn and grow. It is in this time of still that I am able to really grow and shine.  Thank you God for being with me through this time and for helping me to learn you.

Loneliness Trap: Avoid Premature Romantic Relationships - Day 93

Loneliness Trap: Avoid Premature Romantic Relationships
Day 93

"You need to realize you can exist without another person," says Dr. H. Norman Wright.

For those who have lost a mate, you may be tempted to jump into a relationship too quickly in order to avoid the pain you are feeling. But if you bring the unresolved pain of grief into a new relationship, then the relationship is already on rocky ground.

"I tried to have a relationship," says Melissa, a widow, "but it just didn't work. I guess maybe it was for all the wrong reasons anyway. But I would tell people who are out looking: Don't look. The Lord knows what you need, and He will bring the right mate for you when it is time."

In seeking to solve your problem of loneliness, you may just create a host of other problems. It is better to follow God's order of priorities. Seek only to serve God, and everything else will fall into place.

"So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?
 For the pagans run after these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you was well" (Matthew 6:31-33).

Holy God, all I need is You. Help me to believe it and to act on it. Amen.

~ Not a problem here since it wasn't a mate that I lost. I did, however, realize that until I started dealing with my grief and working through the process that I was just an emotional mess and it is hard for someone to want to be with someone who is a mess. It was also hard to give the time and attention to someone else when all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and disappear. So, yes, work your way through the process and a relationship will happen in God's timing.

Loneliness Trap: Clutter - Day 92

Loneliness Trap: Clutter
Day 92

To have a new hobby or to embark on a new endeavor to serve others is good, but overcrowding your life with activities can distract you from the process of grieving. You need time to be quiet, to relax, to meditate, and to pray.

Dr. Jim Conway says, "I remember a woman coming to one of the groups who said, 'My husband has been gone for about a year, and I'm just not getting any better.' She listed off half a dozen activities that she'd started since her husband died, as if being more active would help her through the process.

"I said to her, 'You know, you've been running from grief, but you have not yet started to grieve.'"

Use wisdom in the choices you make during grief, choices about your time, commitments, activities, and behaviors. Grief must be faced and then journeyed through, and the wisdom and strength to persevere is found in the Lord.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him" (James 1:2-5).

Father, please give me the wisdom to know when to be active and when to slow down, when to work and when to relax. Amen.

~ I think I fell into this pattern of trying to stay busy. It isn't hard to do since I have a 4 year old for sure. I just have to allow myself that 1 day to sit down and just be still. I have guilt of what I could be doing or should be doing, but at the end of the day, each of my days is so packed with things to do whether it is feeding my soul or working on my body that I just don't have time to sit down and be still.  I've gotten in such a routine that I tend to stay so busy that the only quiet time I get is when I get in the bed and that is the time that I need to be trying to rest from the day's busy activities. I am still learning, but I found that last Sunday, while I was cleaning and what not, I listened to Gospel music and it was then that my heart was filled with joy and that the music touched me and I shed some tears. I didn't know where they came from either. I was all "woah" but I didn't fight it because I figured it was what I needed right in that moment. When I was done crying, I was good.

Remedy for Loneliness: Reach Out - Day 91

Remedy for Loneliness: Reach Out
Day 91

One of the most effective ways to come out of loneliness is to reach out to others who are hunting or in need. Even if you don't feel like reaching out, discipline yourself to do it anyway.

Dr. Ray Pritchard says, "There comes a time when you have to wipe the tears away. There comes a time when you have to stop thinking about what you have lost and start thinking about the needs of the people around you.

"I don't say that's easy. I don't think that you can always do that overnight. For some people it will be after a period of weeks, for some after a period of months. For me it was a year after my father died.

"I might be as simple as baking cookies for the neighbors, going to visit the hospital, going to the nursing home. It might be as simple as writing letters to others who have lost loved ones and sharing with others what God has given to you. There is an amazing therapeutic value in not only telling your own story, but in pointing people back to God."

To escape loneliness and despair, you must take action and reach out to others, and you will experience the light of hope rising up in your life.

"If you give yourself to the hungry, and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then your light will rise in darkness, and your gloom will become like midday" (Isaiah 58-10 NASB).

O Lord, loneliness and despair have weighed me down for too long. I want to reach out to others and experience Your hope and Your light. Amen

~ I have found this to be true. I have progressed in my journey thanks to reaching out. I haven't done as much as listed above, but I find that I share my journey whenever I feel that someone would benefit from hearing it. I don't push my grief on anyone, but I share how I have grown in this through the help of journaling and through going to GriefShare class. Working these emails and working the workbook. I, at first, just got the workbook to keep along with the video, but found that once I made notes during the videos, it helped me to get out what was on my heart that night and get it out of my head. My week would then be better because I shared what was on my heart and I was able to move forward. PROGRESS!

Relief - Day 87

Relief 
Day 87

Relief is also a common emotion associated with grief, especially if your loved one was in pain or suffering.

Janet Paschal's grandfather had Alzheimer's disease. She says, "We had watched him change, and it was a very slow loss, a very slow process. So there was a sense of relief when he died, but at the same time, there was a selfish part of me that wanted him back, that didn't want to surrender him."

You may feel relief because the burden of responsibility has been lifted with the death of your loved one. Don't feel guilty about your relief. This response is natural and expected, particularly after a long struggle or illness.

"We count those blessed who endured. You have heard of the endurance of Job and have seen the outcome of the Lord's dealings, that the Lord is full of compassion and is merciful" (James 5:11 NASB).

Lord God, my feelings confuse and somewhat embarrass me. Thank you for granting me endurance, and please continue to guide me on my journey through grief. Amen.

~ This was a day that was skipped. I looked and realized I hadn't posted this day and then I looked at the email date. It was Friday, April 19th. I was trying so hard to not dwell and not fall back into the old habits of being tearful all day over missing my sister. It was her birthday and I wanted to be joyful and happy. I must have subconsciously put the email under the stack of invoices that I needed to enter because I needed to not deal with it at that moment.
This day's message really hits home for me. I felt a sense of relief when my mom passed and I felt really crappy about it. I was relieved that she was no longer hurting, that she wouldn't have to endure divorce, that she wouldn't have the pain every day of losing her first born child and that she wouldn't have to have any more migraines or sickness. I imagine in my mind that she is back in her full glory with both her legs and she is running around heaven healthy and full of joy.  BUT, that being said, I still miss her terribly and do sometimes still feel those feelings of guilt that I feel like I gave up on her by taking her off life support. I KNOW that she didn't want to be that way. I often go back to the what ifs and wonder if I had just pushed a little harder for her IF she would have made it. There was no telling if she would still be the same after crashing that morning. They brought her back, but it took them several minutes to get her back when she crashed.  I feel in my heart and soul that I did the right thing and yet my heart is sad that she isn't here. That just means that I really loved my momma.  I am working on letting go of that guilt so that I don't fall back in my old bad habits of grieving the wrong way.  Learning and growing each day. <3

Remedy for Loneliness - Develop a Hobby or Skill - Day 90

Remedy for Loneliness - Develop a Hobby or Skill
Day 90

Starting a new hobby may sound unappealing and uninteresting at this point in your life. But we encourage you to do it anyway. Remember, you are not developing this hobby for the sake of the activity; you are using it as a tool to deal with loneliness.

"My life was so much a part of my husband's," says Patricia. "He was so depend upon me; he could not function without me on a twenty-four-hour basis. When he died, I said, 'What am I going to do?' All of my time had been spend taking care of him. I was totally lost. I didn't know what to do.

"It was just a few months later that my daughter worked in vacation bible school, and she said, 'Mom, why don't you come and help me?' So I did. That really began my ministry here. I began working in the nursery on Sunday evenings, one night a month. Then I saw an opportunity to help in the children's department during the week on a volunteer basis.

"The Lord has just opened up a whole new opportunity, a whole new life for me. I knew from the beginning that I was not going to stay home and get the rocking-chair rot."

God has appointed you with certain gifts to use in helping others or in bringing joy to others' lives. Try out a new hobby or volunteer to do something you've never done before.  Again, you may not be doing this because you desire to, but because you need to.

"There are different spiritual gifts, but the same Spirit gives them ... The evidence of the Spirit's presence is given to each person for the common good of everyone" (1 Corinthians 12:4, 7 NLT).

Lord God, place in my path a new opportunity to serve You and to take great steps forward in healing. Amen.

~That is my prayer in my heart for sure.  I pray that He puts me in front of whomever it is that I am here to help and support along the way. I believe He will make a way. My God is Awesome!

Remedy for Loneliness - Day 89

Remedy for Loneliness
Day 89

Become involved with a Christ-centered grief support group. Many churches have small groups that can aid you in your healing from grief.

"You feel like you're losing it, and then you hear these other people who have similar incidents happening in their lives. You realize that God prepared the body in such a way that you've got to go through this process before you can heal," says Nancy following her husband's death.

God does not want you to be alone.

"I will come down and speak with you there, and I will take of the Spirit that is on you and put the Spirit on them. They will help you carry the burden ... so that you will not have to carry it alone" (Numbers 11:17).

A grief support group should have a focus beyond grief itself. In other words, the group should do more than share stories and release emotions. A group with the objective of introducing biblical help for grieving individuals will provide the tools needed to face life's difficulties and to move toward a new and abundant life. The GriefShare groups are designed for this purpose.

Faithful God, give me the courage and desire to pick up the phone and find a support group to aid me in my healing. Amen.

~ I am a firm believer that opportunities are brought into my path at the right time. 3 years ago, I don't think I would have been open to going to GriefShare. I wasn't looking to go to any church. I was mad.  I was angry. I was confused and dazed as to why my sister died and why I had to be the one to make the decision to take her off life support. I asked the priest and I got no answers. I got no guidance. The faith I had was shaken, which made me question my religion all together. I was uncertain of where I was and where I was going and how to move forward. I was in a drug induced fog (depression medicine) and it was hard to feel anything. I just went through the motions for two years.  I felt a longing to want to have God in my life again. It wasn't that He left me, I just shut my ears to the conversation that He was continuing. I have had a series of occasions where Joel Osteen would be on television and I would tune in. I don't normally see the times that it comes on nor do I go looking for it, but when I tune in, the message is as if it is speaking directly to my heart and soul.  So, I might not know what is going on and I might not know what tomorrow brings, but I know that today was given to me by God and that I need to make the most of it because tomorrow isn't promised. I know that I am not alone and that on Mondays I can go to GriefShare to my "safe place" and cry if I need to. I get to be amongst people who aren't going to judge me because it has been three years and my sister's birthday just passed and I was all in my emotions about it. I get to be myself and at the end of the night, I might have just touched someone else and after all that is what I feel my mission in life is to do; to help other people.  It is such a blessing to be finding myself all over again and that it is God driven. I feel blessed and highly favored.

Loneliness - Day 88

Loneliness
Day 88

The loneliness of loss -- do you feel it? This can be one of the most painful emotions in grieving.

Luevenia, whose husband passed away, says, "There's no way I'll ever be the same. It just can't be. I'm so lonely. The evenings are the toughest because I can get out during the day and do things."

The Lord Jesus knows what it's like to be lonely. He's been there. He knows it well.

You may be lonely, but you are never alone because God is with you every moment, and He can transform your lonely life in ways you cannot imagine. "God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land" (Psalm 68:6).

Holy God, I am a prisoner of loneliness. I know that things will never be the same as they were, but You promise in Your Word that You will "lead forth the prisoners with singing." Lead on, Lord. Amen.

~ My loneliness ran deep. I suddenly didn't have my best friend. I saw my sister 5 days a week when I would go drop off my son to her and when I would go pick him up. I would hang out with her while the traffic died down and I would talk to her throughout the day whether it was on Facebook or on the phone. We didn't always have this beautiful relationship and perhaps God gave me Justice so that I could be close to my sister for those 2 years leading up to her departure.  I have to believe that everything happens for a reason.  I miss my momma too. I saw her every day since I moved home to help them with rent and help with my mom's care.  It was refreshing to see her daily and It was merely a year or two after I moved back home that she died. So, again, I have to believe that everything happens for a reason. I got drawn closer to them before their departures from my life. Those times are now precious. I will always have wished I had more time with them, but I can praise God and thank Him for bringing me closer to them so that I could appreciate those relationships. Loneliness just means that I loved them so much that I miss that daily interaction, I will be okay.

If Only I Had ... - Day 86

If Only I Had
Day 86

"In God's economy you can't go back and say, 'I should have done this,' 'I should have done that,' or  'I didn't do this right,'" says Barbara Johnson, "because you did the best you could at the time that you did it. God knows your heart, and you can't live in a state of regret or wishing you had done something different. There has to be closure to that."

Many times you may beat yourself up thinking about the things you did wrong in regard to your loved one, or you are plagued with thoughts about what you could have done differently.

John's son committed suicide. He says, "Afterwards, I remembered every time I had yelled at him or punished him unjustly. I recalled every time I had yelled at him out of frustration and anger -- everything I had done wrong as a parent to him. It's like I was on the witness stand and there was a prosecutor who said, 'You did this and you did that.'"

John realized that his thoughts of blame, regret, and self-condemnation were harmful and they needed to stop. He knew that good, uplifting, and strengthening thought are from God and he needed to focus on them. He says, "God in his grace also reminded me of when I would come home and eat lunch with my son and we would have little talks. The little things we did were good. We did have some really good times."

Remember the good times, and counter your "if onlys" with Scripture. God's Word is powerful and will help you conquer the negative thoughts that play in your head. Choose a Bible verse to repeat throughout the day, replacing harmful thoughts with God's healing words.

"You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness" (Ephesians 4:22-24).

Lord God, teach me to put off my old habits of self-condemnation and bitter regret and replace them with a new attitude or prayer and Christlikeness. Amen.

~ I was just thinking these the other day. I just read a note that I posted on Facebook back in November of 2011. I had many if only moments and I felt the hurt in that note once again. Just when I think I have moved past the hurt, I read something I have written and I am once again reminded of where I was and I go back there. Not fully back there, because I have let some of that go and I have started healing. It just still is sad to read the words that are from my heart and head that I let rise to paper (the note on the internet).

Here is the note that I wrote:

Grief, self pity or lack of sleep?

by Amber Schoen (Notes) on Monday, November 21, 2011 at 7:20am

I sit here wondering if it is the lack of sleep, the excessive exhaustion due to the busy weekend, or my stupidity for watching Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice on the late night, but it brings me to wonder ... can grief be like alcoholism or any other addiction or disease where you relapse? I am not sure I am counting my blessings like I should anymore, because here I am up and trying to figure out why my heart hurts so badly again. They say the truth will set you free. Well, truth is .. I remember the last two phone calls I had with my sister. One telling her that mom had just gotten divorce papers and the other was telling her to call and check on mom and that I would call her back because I was trying to put Justice to sleep. I passed out. I didn't get to call her back. :( Then there is mom .. upset about the divorce papers then I got a call and drove to what I just knew was them looking at me telling me my sister was dead. The fucking police wouldn't even let me see her. It wasn't until her service that I got to see her. Wait I take that back, I got in my car and waited on the side of the house and saw the coroner wheel a body in a black bag out of the house. Then my family (God knows I love them) but my family put my mom and myself through this undue hurt of where my sister was to be buried. I watched as they lowered her into the ground. I watched as they capped the cement box. i stayed until the dirt was placed. THAT is hurt I pray that will stop replaying in my head and heart. What is worse than that? Finding my mother passed out on the floor, thinking she is dead because her sugar dropped too much. Two days later, her sugar going too low again and the paramedics having to give her glucose so she would come back to consciousness. I live that "if only" stage every now and then. If only I had made them take her to the ER, but then she wouldn't have been out in time to bury her daughter. If only I had taken the week off to respectfully grieve the loss of my sister. Instead, the way I dealt was to keep so busy that here I am coming up on my second Thanksgiving without my mom and sister, and I am in a stage of not functioning well. Taking my mom to the hospital with 105 fever and being told she had pneumonia, the flu and H1N1 was that double edged sword. At least she was in the hospital and they could get her better. I would be able to go to work and not worry as much about her being home and me coming home to find her passed out in the bed from low blood sugar. Except, she didn't get better. She got way worse. I am not sure if it was the meeting with a divorce lawyer the day after we buried my sister, or the grief of burying her first born, but my mom stopped fighting. I thought that she would fight harder for Justice. That was ME being selfish. Being called and having to make a decision to do dialysis on my mom was trying on me. It is difficult to say, but I wasn't the middle child anymore. I was now the oldest and my stepfather was less than helpful in the decision making. Ash and I stayed at the hospital as late as we could, but from sheer exhaustion went home only to get a call at 7am saying that my mom had coded, but they brought her back. I can't remember the drive back to the hospital. I remember making one call and then suddenly all the aunts were at the hospital shortly before or after Ash and I got there. Sitting in a room with 2-4 doctors as they are telling me that the life support isn't sustaining my mom. Telling me that the next step is to put her on a machine that would filter her blood outside of her body, but that it would be painful and in the long run, she wouldn't likely make it. Sitting in that room with everyone looking at me for the answer or at the very least the acknowledgment that I knew the decision that they needed me to make. I had to tell them to stop treating my mother. I had to tell them to take her off the machines because she wasn't even there anymore. I was there when the nurse turned off the machines and then walked out. I remember looking up and out the window and the nurse shook her head that mom was gone. am i bitter. hell yes. my step father didn't even come when my sister called him. my heart aches so badly, but maybe this is what i needed. to express my feelings and get it out, because i can't remember one person just sitting and listening to me. I've had people tell me that it has been long enough and that i need to "get over it" .. for them i pray that they never have to endure the losses that i did in the manner i did. i lost my sister unexpectedly and then essentially i pulled the plug on my mother. do i want sympathy? no. do i want everyone to start calling me and checking on me? no. tears are healing; so i've been told. with as much as i have cried, i think i expected to be more healed by now.

I shared this because it was on my heart to and it was in my every thought this morning.

Today, I am thankful for the strength to have written this so that perhaps I could be on my way to healing again. I am thankful for the outlet and thankful for every one of my friends and family. You all give me strength beyond your knowing. I am thankful for my son. He is my reason for living. Just when I think I am ready to give up, he comes and hugs me and tells me he loves me and makes the world all better again.

Regret - Day 85

Regret
Day 85

Regret is a strong emotion you will likely encounter during grief. Perhaps you have regrets over things you wish you had said or done while your loved one was still alive. A frequent thought might be, If only I had ...

You are not alone, my friend.

Annie, who lost her father, says, "I laid awake at night thinking, O Lord, I wish I had taken him to Duke Hospital. Why didn't I think about it? I just kept punishing myself. But one of my friends said, 'You did all you knew to do.' Which is true."

Do not condemn yourself. Look to Christ Jesus for help in facing these regrets.

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death" (Romans 8:1-2 NASB).

Lord Jesus, set me free from my regrets. Thank you for not condemning me. Amen.

~ I have a lot of regret that I am learning to let go. I regret not taking my mom to the hospital sooner. I regret not calling the EMS when I found my mom passed out on the floor. I knew her sugar was too low since this was something that had happened many many times before, so I knew that I only needed to get her sugar up. So I called my cousin who lived in the same neighborhood to come help me. All the shoulda/coulda/woulda won't bring her back and are just me punishing myself for something that I can't change and for what I thought were the right decisions at the time. I start to second guess myself all the time. If I had sent her to the hospital she would be alive, but she would have missed my sister's wake and funeral. If If If .. two letters, but they can shake the soul when you have doubt behind those two letters.

Freedom from Bitterness - Day 84

Freedom from Bitterness
Day 84

There is hope. You can be free from bitter thoughts.

"I'd shut my eyes and see gravestones and all sorts of things. I was walking in places in my mind that I wasn't supposed to be walking in," says Cindy, whose daughter died.

Matthew 6:34 tells you to live one day at a time: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself."

Cindy continues, "Even now, when I look at the past and get really sad, I think, You know what? Today's a good day. It's raining, but my baby is in bed asleep, and my five-year-old is at school, and today is a good day.

"Then when I look at the future and start thinking about things that could possibly go wrong, I think, You know what? I'm not gonna go there, 'cause God isn't walking with me there. He's told me to stay in today."

Tackle one bitter thought at a time. When bitter thoughts come into your mind, repeat Cindy's words, "I'm not gonna go there, 'cause God isn't walking with me there."

Lord Jesus, with You I can live one moment at a time and work my way toward freedom from my bitter thoughts. Amen.

~It is so very easy to give in to those thoughts that aren't for our highest good. I think we just have to take a step back and really see the blessings in our lives above all else.  In last night's class, there was a question in the workbook. It was talking about where our loved one fit in our lives and when we say that we can't live anymore without that loved one, we are saying that that person defined us. God would never take anything from us that was essential for our survival or we wouldn't be here when we lost a loved one.  It sounded funny to hear that last night, but then it was also said that our loved one is precious to us, but not essential. When put that way, it doesn't take away from the love that we have for the one we lost. It puts the person in the right place. You can breathe without that other person in your life. You can go through the day without the other person in your life. You will be sad and you will cry. You will get angry, but in the end, God didn't take anything essential from your life. Just your most prized possession; your relationship with that loved one. It is in that moment that we have to figure out where God is in our life. I had a false reality. I lost my identity in the motions of everyday and the relationships I had with my mother and sister. I felt lost when I no longer had those relationships to sustain me. It was then that I figured out that I was dependent on those relationships as  a core of who I am and it was all a false identity and reality. Knowing this now doesn't really make it any easier in the aspect of saying it out loud, but I am certainly more aware and able to work through it and find Amber again.

Bitterness Leads to Depression - Day 83

Bitterness Leads to Depression
Day 83

"Bitterness is a terrible temptation to harbor your own troubles and problems and chew on them and indulge in self-pity," says Elisabeth Elliot.

What troublesome thoughts are you harboring and chewing on again and again?

"Bitterness very often leads to depression," continues Elliot. "I am convinced that a great deal of depression is the fruit of bitterness, which is unresolved sin or anger or pain."

Bitterness hurts only you. You are allowing those thoughts to take you off the path of healing. But you can control your thoughts. Whenever bitterness tries to seep in, renounce it in the name of Christ and see it as your enemy.

The Bible discusses handling this spiritual battle within the mind:

"For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" (2 Corinthians 10:3-5).

Lord, I'm fighting a losing battle on my own, but with You I have the power to win. Amen.

~ I never really realized that I was holding on to the bitterness and resentment until now. I, for sure, didn't realize it was the reason that I was feeling like I was depressed. I know it is lonely sometimes when I miss my mom and sister, but I didn't realize that by holding on to bitterness I was sabotaging myself and making myself ill.  It is amazing the things that we do without knowing we are doing them. It is so eye opening to become aware as I am growing in Christ and moving through my season of grief.

Bitterness Leads to Resentment - Day 82

Bitterness Leads to Resentment
Day 82

Other families around you are still together -- happy and oblivious to your brokenness and pain. Why me and not you? you might be wondering. Your wondering can turn into bitterness and resentment.

Dr. Robert Jeffress says, "There can almost be a resentment on the part of Christians against other Christians who may not be going through grief. 'Why aren't they experiencing what I'm experiencing? Why is God picking on me?'"

Many problems can arise from the improper handling of your emotions during grief. You can't avoid having the emotions, but how you respond to them will determine whether you proceed in a healthy manner or are doomed to unnecessary detours on your grief journey. Ultimately, unless you deal with the issues behind your emotions, your life may be moved toward bitterness and resentment.

"I loathe my own life: I will give full vent to my complaint; I will speak in the bitterness of my soul," Job complained at first.

But then he changed his focus and persevered in faith and trust: "I know that Thou canst do all things, and that no purpose of Thine can be thwarted ... Therefore I retract, and I repent in dust and ashes" (Job10:1, 42:2, 6 NASB).

Turn to God, who knows the bitterness in your heart and wants to replace it with His loving comfort.

Lord of all, forgive my bitterness and resentment and fill me instead with love, peace, and truest that only You can provide. Amen.

~ I can see where bitterness can lead to resentment. It is a lesson that I have learned from experience. It really is a matter of acknowledging and letting it go. I know I've said "Give it to God" more than once, but it really does take work and trust to do it. I can't say that I am fully over a lot of my bitterness, because I had two losses and two different situations. I am having to work through my feelings for both of them independently because I seem to be reliving the same emotions over and over since I haven't dealt with all the feelings/emotions that I have towards each death.

Blame - Day 81

Blame
Day 81

Humans seem to have a natural tendency to want to place blame, as if that would help resolve the feelings of distress and pain. But blame is a black hole that will suck you down further and further.

"As a pastor, I've seen people respond to grief in every way," says Dr. Jack Hayford. "I think of the beauty of recent events in my own congregation. There was a young couple who were instantly separated by the intervention of death while they were at a national park. He full into a rushing river and was trapped beneath a log where he could not get out. There was no way to attempt rescue because of the force of the stream. His wife was standing right there, not ten feet away, watching him drown, seeing it happen.

"To watch that family move into an openness to the comfort of the Spirit of God, to not blame God, to recognize an accident for what it is, to believe that God didn't design it, but He did foresee it and that His comfort and presence would be with them is a tremendously thrilling thing to witness."

Jesus urges you not to be troubled by blame, but to move forward in peace and comfort of the Holy Spirit of God.

"But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid" (John 14:26-27).

Holy God, this blame isn't accomplishing anything but added pain for me. Send me Your comforting Spirit to guide my thoughts into a clear perspective. Amen.

~ To read this testimony and think of how I have held on to blame saddens me. I can't believe that I have been in my own way for so long. I blamed myself for my mom not making it. All the should of/ could of/would of scenarios can't and won't bring her back. I know my mom didn't want to live on machines and I was honoring her wishes that she had expressed previously. It just doesn't make it any easier to not hold myself accountable when she was left in my care and essentially died.

Dealing with Anger: Ask God for Help - Day 80

Dealing with Anger: Ask God for Help
Day 80

You may feel helpless in the face of your anger. You cannot deal with it on your own. The most important step you can take is to ask God for help.

"God will give you the opportunity to be angry," says Rev. Noel Castellanos. "He's not going to take that freedom away from you, but when you're done, behind all of that stuff you don't understand, there's a loving God who can redeem any situation. You can allow that deep anger in an authentic, honest way to be converted into a plea for help."

Give your burden of anger to God, and He will give you rest.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light" (Matthew 11:28-30).

Lord Jesus, I give my anger and my struggles to You. I come to You to learn and to rest. Amen.

~ I am still amazed each day that these emails are talking to me. It is like I think I am past the anger and then I remember that I haven't let it ALL go.

I still hold resentment and anger towards my brother-in-law. I feel like he didn't take good care of my sister. I can't blame him for her not going to the doctor and such. I blame him for not helping her boys by getting them in therapy. I blame him for bringing this whore into the house less than two months after my sister was buried. Okay, she might not be a whore since they are now married. I have very little respect for a woman that would weasel her way into a situation with a widow and two kids that haven't had time to digest the loss of their mother. The fact that he lied to me to my face when this heifer was sitting in my sister's spot on the couch next to him. She wasn't even respectful nor was she like a normal person who would speak when spoken to or just introduce yourself. Maybe she was scared of me, she needed to be. I still hold a lot of resentment and anger towards that situation and honestly I don't know that I will ever get over it. I have decided that talking to him isn't going to happen so I will most likely just write a letter and get it out of my head and off my heart so that I can move forward. His actions and the hurt of seeing someone new in my sister's house and then my sister's belongings being just put away or thrown away by her are just beyond me. I can give it to God and pray that these negative thoughts and this anger of wanting to punch her in the face and cut off his penis will go away.

I still hold resentment towards my stepdad for leaving my mom the way he did, for not coming to the hospital when we told her she was there and for not coming when we told her that she was declining fast. He didn't even come to say goodbye. Perhaps when he walked out on our family, it was his way of saying goodbye for good, and that is sad because I wasn't raised that way. I was raised that when your family needs you .. you go to them. When you are down and out, your family will be the one to help lift you up and yet he didn't come. It was hurtful and felt spiteful. He didn't just walk out on my mom, he left my sister, me and Justice. He had been a part of my life since I was 12. It isn't like he wasn't my other dad. That is a hard pill to swallow. Not only did my own dad leave my mom when I was 2, my stepdad left my mom when I was 32.

So, not only am I getting a sense of anger in me still, but a very strong feeling of abandonment. Daddy issues. Lord help me.

Dealing with Anger: Choose to Move Past It - Day 79

Dealing with Anger: Choose to Move Past It
Day 79

Perhaps you are at the point which you must now choose to move past your anger and bitterness. You have allowed yourself the time and opportunity to slowly vent your anger, and you have honestly expressed those feelings with others.  When you are ready to move beyond your anger, be prepared to stick with that decision.

The night Heidi's husband died in a plane crash, she prayed, "God, I know that You have a plan for my life. And I don't want bitterness and anger to well up in my heart, because I have two young children, and we have to go on with our lives."

Heidi says, "I made a decision that night not to become bitter and angry about the situation and not to blame God. Sure, I asked why and I didn't understand, but I wasn't going to blame God, and I wasn't going to blame other people."

You, too, can choose to move past anger with the Lord's help.

"I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me faithful" (1 Timothy 1:12).

Jesus, strengthen me to move beyond my anger and bitterness and to stay there. Amen.

~ I often think that I have moved past my anger and then something will trigger it back up. Apparently, I was only under the delusion that I had really dealt with what was causing me to be quick to anger. I am trying to refocus myself and be "slow to anger" but it truly is a process. I can't say that it has been easy by any means, but I have found that I am more willing to try to let go of what no longer is good for my soul. I have been holding bitterness and resentment towards my baby daddy. While the loss isn't a physical one per se, I did have to mourn the loss of the friendship that we had when he turned his back on me when I told him I was pregnant and then when he didn't come and see his son in the NICU after he was born. For him, he thought he was right in wanting a paternity test to prove that Justice was his, in my mind he was just calling me a whore and liar for wanting the test. I wasn't trying to trap him and certainly didn't think I was going to get pregnant. Justice is my gift from God; my miracle. I am learning to let go of that resentment that I have been holding on to for 5 years. It is easy to say "Give it to God" but it is work. It is work because at some point you have to trust and believe that it will get better when it is no longer holding you down or holding you back. It really is a tough pill to swallow. I find myself saying that I am over it, but then it comes so easy to take cheap shots at baby daddy when he says something and it really is easy to take those jabs. I just have to remember to be the bigger person and not take those opportunities to fail myself.

Dealing with Anger: Bible Verses - Day 78

Dealing with Anger: Bible Verses
Day 78

Another practical suggestion for dealing with anger is to draw help from Bible verses. Dr. John Trent recommends that you start by writing down an appropriate Bible verse on a three-by-five card. Every time you begin to feel angry, take out the card and read the verse. Then write the date on the back of the card and place a check mark next to it.

This practice will first of all link God's Word with your active anger. It will also provide a written record of how angry you are and whether or not you are showing improvement. As you continue this practice, you will begin to realize that anger is a choice.

"But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve ... But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD" (Joshua 24:15).

Almighty God, grant me the perseverance to follow through on these anger management ideas and to follow through in a relationship with You. Amen.

~ I really appreciate today's email. I like the idea of keeping scripture handy and then jotting down when you apply it. I often forget when I was angry last even if it was just yesterday. That means that I didn't really deal with it and so that would be why there is such a fast turn around on it coming back; it really never left. I just swallowed it and let it fester. It is time to move forward. It is time to say out loud what I am still holding on to and give it to God and let it go. He knows, but to admit it out loud to God and to myself will allow me to release it. Now, to just find the Word that is going to help me to progress and heal. :)

Dealing with Anger: Write About Angry Feelings - Day 77

Dealing with Anger: Write About Angry Feelings
Day 77

As you attempt to deal with your anger, you may find it helpful to write about your angry feelings. Writing about your feelings will help to unload some of that pressure because it gives you a way to express your emotions.

Barbara Johnson says, "The anger comes and just seems to flood you. But there are a lot of ways to dilute the anger. If you have lost a loved one, write a letter. That will help you unload some of those feelings you have."

Address your letter to the person causing you the most anger and distress. It could be your lost loved one, a family member, or someone involved in the circumstances surrounding the death. You might be angry mostly with yourself. If your anger is directed at God, write a letter to Him. He alone can deliver you from your anger.

"May my cry come before you, O LORD; give me understanding according to your word. May my supplication come before you; deliver me according to your promise" (Psalm 119: 169-170).

Precious Savior, deliver me from this anger. Amen.

~ I agree with today's email. It has been really vital that I write to express myself in order to not hold it in. I don't know that it is that I am needing to say it out loud, but it definitely helps to get it out of my head and off my heart in order for me to move forward. I have my days when I think "wait, I conquered this emotion already" it is at that point that I realize that I am human and I will continue to have these human emotions. Just because I am not angry about one thing, doesn't mean that I won't get angry about another. However, now that I have been working on it, I have the tools to make sure that the anger doesn't sit and fester in my soul and turn into a bad bad thing. I am trying to become "slow to anger" because I certainly don't want to be the person I was before; always on edge.

Dealing with Anger: Redirect Toward Mourning - Day 76

Dealing with Anger: Redirect Toward Mourning
Day 76

Dealing with your anger in a positive way may sound good, but how exactly is it done? One suggestion is to let your anger surface and then redirect it toward mourning. Consider your anger solely in the context of your loss. You may be putting all your energy into your anger to avoid a torrent of tears; this, in turn, has kept you from grieving.

"I'd like to remind you that Jesus Christ wept," says Dr. Erwin Lutzer. "I'd like to remind you that it says in the New Testament that when Stephen died, they took him to his burial and great lamentation was made over him.

"It's okay to grieve. There are those who do not grieve, and later on it begins to catch up with them. So you go through that process as long as you understand that it is a process of transition and healing."

Expressing tears is part of the grieving process; it is part of the healing. Use your anger to help you move forward toward healing, and keep in mind that your anger and tears won't last forever.

Let your mourning lead you toward hope. No matter where you are in grief, you can always have hope.

"Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope" (1 Thessalonians 4:13).

Lord, let my anger turn to grieving and let my grieving lead to hope. Amen.

~ *tear* this day has moved me. I am not sure if it is because my sensibilities are more open now, but I find that I am more emotional lately. I am more sensitive and receptive. I am letting the tears flow as they may and talking myself down from the anger. It has become clear to me that I don't want to live in a world of anger and have my son walking on eggshells to keep from triggering a yelling spat from me. I have to remember patience and think about why I turn to anger so quickly. That fuse is real short and it is time to redirect and know that it is okay to grieve and that anger doesn't have to defeat me or be a major part of me. I remain hopeful and prayerful and I think that is the best and most rewarding thing I have gotten out of grief share.

Right Anger Versus Wrong Anger - Day 75

Right Anger Versus Wrong Anger
Day 75

In the following two verses, the Bible specifically talks about "right" anger, "wrong" anger, and the effects of each.

"A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger appeases contention" (Proverbs 15:18 AMP).

Your slowly released anger "appeases contention"; it brings about peace and calm to your strife. Think about it.

James 1: 19-20 says, "This you know, my beloved brethren. But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God" (NASB).

What kind of anger is not righteous? Human anger. Human impulse is to either let it rip or to hold it in so tight that the pressure becomes dangerous. God's anger is righteous and consistent with His holy nature.

Righteous Lord, I see now that anger is not necessarily a bad thing. Teach me more. Amen.

~ yes, Amen. I am a sponge soaking up the information and I can feel a calm coming over me as I am learning along the way. It is a beautiful thing.

Is Anger Good or Bad? - Day 74

Is Anger Good or Bad?
Day 74

God sometimes exhibits anger, and you are made in His image. God is described in Exodus 34:6 as "compassionate and gracious" and "slow to anger."

Jesus Christ was the perfect model of human behavior for you to follow, and at times Jesus was angry. In Mark 3:5 he was angered by the stubborn hearts of Pharisees who refused to see the truth: "He looked around at them in anger ... deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts."

Dr. Tim Clinton says, "Anger is a God-given emotion. In Scripture God was often angry at unrighteousness and injustice. It's okay to be angry at loss.

"To deny your anger is simply to let it turn inward. Angry people can't see life around them. Angry people can't see joy around them. Angry people can't see people around them. And hence, they can't enjoy life."

Lord Jesus, I'm intelligent enough to know that anger should not control me. I also understand that it needs to be properly released for my benefit and for others around me. Help me follow through on what I know is right for me to do. Amen.

~ I find it amazing how these emails are spot on where I am in my journey. It wasn't until I admitted that I was an angry person that I started to really acknowledge and see it for myself. I am not sure what I thought was going on with me, but I just knew I couldn't continue on the path I was on or I was going to hurt myself of my child and that isn't what I ever would want. I certainly was one that turned that anger inward and tried to swallow it. I added 10 lbs to my body to prove that. I am an emotional eater and anger is one that most definitely was getting me to that point of wanting to swallow that pain literally. It is time to enjoy life again. It is time to accept that it is okay to enjoy life again. Live in this new reality instead of just going through the motions.

Anger Can Lead to Bitterness - Day 73

Anger Can Lead to Bitterness
Day 73

Your perspective on people and life can become poisoned by bitterness. Bitterness never makes things right, never satisfies your heart, and will always block your journey through grief. See bitterness as your enemy and flee from it.

Dr. Tim Clinton says, "Resentment is anger with a history. And bitterness? A lot of people become bitter over life's issues. It's often said that when you're dealing with hardship and hurt in your life, and great pain, you can either become bitter or you can become better. Challenger yourself always to let God do a work through you so you can become stronger and more effective."

The history that bitterness dwells on is like a stack of IOUs of what you think people should have done and how situations should have worked out. The only way to be free is to tear up the IOUs and let the bitterness go.

Bitterness prevents you from being able to receive God's free gift of grace.

"See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled" (Hebrews 12:15 NASB).

Lord Jesus, remove the poison of bitterness from my life, and let me see Your good work in this situation. Amen.

~ This was RIGHT.ON.TIME.  I was just thinking of the bitterness that I have held on to when it comes to baby daddy. I have resentment and bitterness with the ideal of the father figure that I had for my child. I had to mourn the death of that man, because he does NOT exist. Instead my child has a man in his life no matter how little or how infrequent. Regardless, he has a father and I can't make him step up and be a man. I can't  make him do anything that he doesn't want to do. I have fought back with bitter words and hurtful responses and it doesn't get us anywhere. In the long run, we will have to be cordial for our child. We used to be friends. That died when he turned his back on me when I told him I was pregnant. It was made even worse when I had Justice and Justice was in the NICU for a week. Baby daddy didn't come see him and I asked 5 times about the last name. He still denied his child. It wasn't until Justice was 3 months old and he got the paternity test results that he finally acknowledged that Justice was his and wanted anything to do with him. That is HIS loss, but at the same time, it was those actions that lead me to hold on to bitterness that has soiled the present conversations that we have. I talk with disdain in my voice when it comes to him, and I simply can't continue to hold on to this if I want to truly progress in my healing. I have learned that it really is more than losing my sister and my mom that have been my grieving points. It is a hard pill to swallow, but it is amazing the things that we hold on to that we can't change.
I am so ready for the poison of bitterness to be gone from my spirit so that I can be the shining bright star that I know that my soul wants to be. I feel so much good in my core and I realize now that taking jabs at baby daddy (while they feel good in the moment and are often without me thinking) need to stop. I can't continue to beat him down with words even if they are the truth. MY truth.
Lord God, please help me to let go. Please help me to give it to you so that I may move forward. Amen.

Anger: Know Its Limits - Day 72

Anger: Know Its Limits
Day 72

You have a choice to make about your anger. You can either let anger take control of you and allow it to be your master, or you can deal with your anger and grow in strength and healing.

To effectively deal with your anger, first, be aware of its source. What triggers those feelings? You also need to know how far you can let your anger go before it has gone too far. By understanding the limits of your anger, you will be able to release it in a way that is healthy for you and for those around you.

"Anger is legitimate. There's nothing wrong with anger in and of itself. But you can't turn your anger loose and just let it fall where it may," says Pastor Buck Buchanan.

The book of Proverbs offers sound advice: "A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control" (29:11).

Lord God, give me the wisdom to know when to hold my anger in check. Amen.

~ I was just thinking this very thing this morning. Justice worked my very last good nerve yesterday. First, Monday he came home in trouble because he hit someone at school. Yesterday, he was in time out when I got there and I even got showed video of him not listening and acting out and talking back. Then, we went to the gym and he acted out there as well. Not listening and also talking back. I have taught my son better than this. Or at least I thought I had. It really makes me question my parenting skills when I can't control my child. Perhaps he is just having an off week. It makes me the bad guy when I have to punish him to teach him that his behavior isn't acceptable. He got spankings last night because time out wasn't working. Talking wasn't working and then I drifted into yelling. I don't want to be that angry parent. I am the ONLY parent and we have a loving relationship and I need him to know that regardless when I punish him, he is still my baby boy and I love him all the time. After he got spanked, he kept asking me for hugs and kisses and I just needed to be left alone. I kept telling him no and that I would give him hugs and kisses when I was calmed down.  I felt bad, because I don't want him to feel like I am turning my back on him when I just needed to calm down. I gave him a hug and a kiss before he went to bed. I try and make sure that he doesn't go to bed thinking I am mad and I try to let go of whatever hurt or anger is in me before I go to bed so that it doesn't fester in me and just get worse. It surely isn't easy being a parent, much less a single parent. There are times I just wish I had someone to take up the slack and give me a break. :|

Anger: Be Honest About Your Feelings - Day 71

Anger: Be Honest About Your Feelings
Day 71

No matter where your anger is directed, you must be honest about what you are feeling. Honesty with yourself and others is an important step on your grief journey.

"You might as well tell the truth to God, because He knows anyhow," says Dee Brestin.

Suppressed and silent anger will intensify and hurt only you.

"But when I was silent and still, not even saying anything good, my anguish increased. My heart grew hot within me, and as I meditated, the fire burned" (Psalm 39:2-3).

Lord God, You know me inside and out. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I do want to be true. Show me how. Amen.

~ I am amazed more and more each day how what I read and write about are right on time. The class on Monday was about anger as well.

It just amazes me and it really is confirmation that I am right where I need to be and am progressing along at the right speed and in divine timing. 

Anger: Directed Toward God - Day 70

Anger: Directed Toward God
Day 70

Some people have trouble admitting they are angry with God; others express it quite freely.

"I shook my fist at Him in anger. I blamed God," says Lynn, whose twin brother died.

If you are angry with God, He knows it whether you express it or not. You might as well be honest with Him about your anger. But in your anger, know that He is still faithful, and He will not turn away from you. Nothing you do will keep Him from loving you.

"I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8:38-39).

God, I'm so angry at You, but at the same time grateful for your faithfulness to me. Amen.

~ I was just talking about this very thing last night in group. I also talked about my epiphany.  Yesterday as I was adding the previous days emails, I started to think about "why did God do this to me?" and then "why did God do this for me?" and the whys really wouldn't make the hurt go away, but it was in that moment that I looked over to the side and "Footprints" popped into my head.  OUT OF NOWHERE! Here I thought that because I turned my back on Him that He left me. I could only see one set of footprints in the sand.  He didn't leave me, He was carrying me through it. Now I am starting to see two sets of footprints again. We might not always see Him or feel Him, but it is when you don't think that He is there that He most certainly is there and He is carrying you. I get it now. I wouldn't have been able to make it through without His help. I am blessed even when I think I am forsaken.

Anger: Directed at the Person You Lost - Day 69

Anger: Directed at the Person You Lost 
Day 69

"People who lose someone can be really angry. They may be thinking, How dare you die and leave me! How dare you reject me! How dare you leave me in these circumstances!" observes Dr. Robert Abarno.

You may be directing your anger at the person you lost. Why? Because he or she left you, because of what you wish your relationship had been, because of all the unfinished, unorganized business that you ended up with. This anger is a natural reaction that you should not feel guilty about.

Your anger may stem from feelings of abandonment. But remember, you are not alone. God promises in His Word that He will never abandon you. His presence is eternal; His faithfulness to you is sure.

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged" (Deuteronomy 31:8).

Lord Jesus, I trust that You will never leave me and never give up on me. Amen.

~ I felt abandoned. I felt like my mom gave up. I felt like she gave up yet I still had to be the one to say goodbye. I have had many times that I have felt abandoned, by my father, my grandfather (although he had cancer it was just that he was the first one that close to me to die), my mother and my sister.  I also felt abandoned by Justice's father, my step-dad and a relationship that I was in. It was like I was left in this dark hole all alone and I couldn't sink or swim. I just was. Left grasp and gasping for some symbol of normalcy and calm in my life and it was that my life was completely turned upside down and I would need to recover from a full on shock to my world. I would be displaced in my family structure, my family role, my physical family location and personal heart situation. I felt like I was plagued. Something must be wrong with me to be left alone. I questioned my validity and my own worth since so many people I loved had left me. It was a true test of my heart's desires and my soul's desires and my self worth. It is a pill I am still struggling to swallow. I can't say that I have worked through this, but knowing where my anger lies has helped.

Anger: Directed at People or Situations Surrounding Your Loss - Day 68

Anger: Directed at People or Situations Surrounding Your Loss
Day 68

Anger does not necessarily follow a logical path. Different people will focus their anger in different directions. For instance, you might be angry with people or at circumstances surrounding your loss.

"I remember being angry at first toward my sister-in-law because she was the one who told me [about the car crash]," says Jodie, whose husband was killed. "That made me mad. I had to really ask the Lord to heal that anger. He's faithful."

Heidi shares, "In the situation surrounding my husband's death, there were a lot of people involved in making the decision for him to leave that night. There are times when [I] want to get angry about the way things were done."

Do you need healing from misdirected anger?

"O Lord my God, I called to you for help and you healed me" (Psalm 30:2).

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9).

Father God, I am angry, and that's okay, but turn my anger away from false, destructive paths. Amen.

~ I have been angry at myself for the death of my mother. I was the one that ultimately said "yes" to taking her off life support. For the longest time I felt like I killed my mom. Not like everyone was telling me, that I did an act of compassion for letting her go be with God and my sister and my Popo.  I am sorry for being selfish and wanting my mother here with me. I am sorry for holding on to her when I had just lost my sister three weeks before. I am sorry that I was so distraught that I didn't know how to function.
I am more angry that part of me was relieved because I didn't know how I was going to afford an apartment for the three of us and it would have to be a handicap accessible apartment so that I could wheel her in and out of the apartment. She wasn't a burden, but my step-dad walked out on all of us just months before and then with the loss of my sister, I just wasn't functioning well.  I am still working on this. It is hard to say this and not cry because I still miss my mother very much. I still close my eyes and see her laying in that bed lifeless. I still close my eyes hear the quietness of that room when the machines were turned off and then looking up to see the nurse shake her head as if to tell me that she had passed on. That is my burden to bear.

As far as my sister's death. I have had a lot of hurt and anger towards my brother-in-law. He was supposed to protect her. He was supposed to make sure she was fine. Now that I look back I should have noticed that she started looking different in pictures. Same with my mom. I can look back at pictures and see the decline in health. It wasn't just that they were aging, but it was like they were wilting away.
I am so angry still that my brother-in-law brought some woman into that house less than 2 months after my sister was buried. Did he have this woman already? Was he cheating on my sister like he did before? My sister loved that man and didn't want us to be mad at him. It took her a long time to tell me about it and when she did I had a little hostility towards him, but Justice seemed to mend that a bit. Justice loved him and her. I am so angry that my brother-in-law tore that bond apart by his need to have someone. I am not sure nor am I in a place where I want an explanation, but it was very hurtful and the fact that she was down right disrespectful towards me when I first met her made me never to want to be around her. That being the reason why my child wouldn't get to be around him and thus another loved one out of his life. I mourn that loss as well. My child lost his step-father (he walked out), his aunt, his grandmother and his uncle all within four months. Thank God he is too young and doesn't remember it, but he will see pictures and have questions later because they are now NOT in pictures. It just continues to be sad in my heart and I just have to pray on it.

Anger: Where Does It Come From? - Day 67

Anger: Where Does It Come From?
Day 67

You are probably doing your best to get back in control of your life. But life cannot be controlled, and anger and frustration often come as a result.

Dr. Larry Crabb states, " If I say, 'I know what I need to live, and it's not God,' I have a very wrong definition of life. Jesus, of course, had it right. He said, 'This is life: There can be no God but Jesus Christ.'

"But when I hear that, something in me says, Oh no. No, no, that's not life. Life is having the doctor say I'm healthy. Life is having my wife say 'I love you' as opposed to 'I'm leaving you.' When I misdefine life and make it something else, then God becomes my enemy. He's not cooperative. And I get furious."

And when God is not "cooperating," you may attempt to handle the grieving process on your own, and fail.

"There is a way which seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death" (Proverbs 16:25 NASB).

Lord, I get so angry when I feel out of control. I just want to get a grip on things again. Teach me that by giving You control of my life, I will be empowered. Amen.

~ I didn't look at it that way. I suppose I didn't really know that I get angry and frustrated because I can't control things. It sounds like common sense to me now that it has been pointed out. I really didn't think of it that way before. I do get frustrated when Justice doesn't listen to me when I am telling him to do something or asking him to do something. Give it to God. Best advice ever.

Anger: Your Strongest Emotion - Day 66

Anger: Your Strongest Emotion
Day 66

"BE ANGRY, AND yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger" (Ephesians 4:26 NASB).

The Bible instructs you to be angry! Anger by itself is not a sin, and it is one of the most common emotions associated with grief.

"I went through that shock and denial period for about three months," says Dora after the death of her daughter. "Then suddenly, as the shock wore off and the reality set in-anger. Intense anger. Just wanting to wail, to scream from the depths. There's no way I could express as much anger as I was feeling."

You need to release your anger in a way that is productive for healing and not harmful to others around you. To release your anger does not mean to lash out, to throw a fit, or to lose control of it; releasing your anger involves the open and honest expression of your emotions in a way that is physically, mentally, and emotionally freeing. You can do this by expressing your anger to God in prayer (don't hold back!). You can release your anger in the presence of a person who will listen quietly and neither judge nor offer advice. Another healthy way to release anger is to write down every angry thought that comes to mind until you cannot think of another angry sentence to write. Some people find that expressing their anger out loud, and loudly, in a private place is helpful.

The fat that you should "not let the sun go down on your anger" means you should deal with it when it is present. Don't go to sleep and forget it, only to have it come back in greater strength later.

Holy Spirit, grant me the freedom and opportunity to release my anger in a way that helps, not hurts. Amen.

~ This is a good lesson. I was so full of anger that I was lashing out at the one person that I am supposed to protect. I was yelling at Justice and I didn't realize it. He would do things that annoyed me and I would raise my voice. Instead of talking to him, I was yelling at him or through him really. I finally notice and I cried and prayed about it. I didn't want to be this angry person. It was because I was stuck in this place of angry with God and I felt bad about it. How was I supposed to exclaim to God when HE was the one that I was angry with??!!! Once I said in grief share out loud that I was angry at God, it was like a release. I felt a little ashamed because I was in a church and was with Christian people, but it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders because I had been holding on to that for a while. That was in November of 2012. In February, the same class came around again. This time I shared that I was just angry period. I was tired and just utterly exhausted of being angry at any and everything. Just the slightest thing would set me off. Once I shared that, it brought it to the forefront in my mind and I was able to realize that I was still doing it. I think before it was rage and it had simmered down to just anger, yet it was still rearing its ugly head. Regardless, I didn't want it anymore weighing down my spirit. I prayed and they prayed for me and today I am in a better place. I try not to let everything anger me. If I notice that I am getting angry over something silly or something I have no control over, then I ask myself why I am really angry. Is there something that is bothering me other than the situation I think is? It really has become a lesson of self evaluation and learning to take that step back in order to move forward.

Rage! - Day 65

Rage!

Day 65

Rage. Have you felt it? Screaming, wailing, intense, and coming up out of nowhere. It is defined by Webster's Dictionary as "violent and uncontrolled anger; a fit of violent wrath."

If you can relate to the above descriptions, you are experiencing an emotion common to the grieving process.

"I think the rage I had inside caused my high blood pressure, and I didn't know how to express my anger," says Annie after her father died.

Your anger does need to be expressed, but it must be done slowly and not impulsively.  Impulsive anger deals with "personal rights" and "my plan," "the kind of anger that shows you are still trying to remain in control. As God is "slow to anger," so are you encouraged to have this attribute. 

"He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty. And he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city" (Proverbs 16:32 NASB).

Impulsive anger can hurt others and cause new problems for you. But the dynamic of being "slow to anger" allows you to express your anger, to see the cause of it, and to deal with it. 

Lord, give my rage a slow fuse and keep it from becoming a hungry devouring flame. Amen.

~ Woah. I needed this a while back.  I have felt rage. I went around screaming. I would lash out. I didn't realize that my anger and rage was built up from and was tied to my grieving that I wasn't doing. I am still a work in progress.

An Expressive Need to Tell Your Story - Day 64

An Expressive Need to Tell Your Story
Day 64

You may be a person who feels the need to express your story to anyone and everyone who will listen. You have felt the healing salve that comes from sharing with others, and you may think that telling your story repeatedly will result in greater healing.

Sharing your experience with others is a crucial step on your healing journey, but use wisdom in discerning if your timing is appropriate.

Luevenia experienced the death of her husband. She says, "When I talked about my husband's death to people who weren't close to me, it was boring for them. They got tired of it. But it's ever present with me."

God's Word offers advice on timing for all situations in life. "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven ... a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak" (Ecclesiastes 3:1,7).

Lord, I praise You that sharing comes easily to me, and I praise You for the taste of healing that it brings. Give me the wisdom to hold my tongue when I should be listening instead of speaking. Amen.

~ I feel that expressive need to share. I figure that have to be other people out there that are hurting and looking to find someone that has felt that very same way. I don't go around talking about my losses to strangers. I don't want to be "Amber the grieving" or "Poor Amber who lost her sister and mom" ... I share because I want to help someone else, not for pity or approval. I think that is the fine line in sharing. If sharing is caring, then that is why I do it. I wish someone had shared their loss story with me. I felt really alone in the beginning. I felt like there is no way anyone would or could ever know what I was feeling. My younger sister is the only one that I know that lost the same way I did, except that she wasn't my mom's caregiver as much as I was and she didn't have the same kind of bond that I had with my older sister since my older sister and I had gotten closer since I got pregnant and then had my son. So it was a different set of relationships, yet we lost the same way. I don't talk to my younger sister about the deaths. She seems to let me grieve and I feel safe grieving when she is there, yet I think we both withdraw a bit when it seems like one of us might talk about it. It isn't easy to want to talk about it because I don't want to bring up something that she hasn't worked through nor do I want to sit in a pity circle and just boohoo over the losses. It is a point of restraint I think that I use when she comes home to visit. I just wish that I knew what to say and how to validate her feelings so that she could get the healing that I have. So that she would know that it is okay to grieve and it is okay that it has been three years. She might have worked through it and I just don't know it. Looks like I have some sisterly bonding to do!

Suppression Can Lead to Explosion - Day 63

Suppression Can Lead to Explosion
Day 63

Are you quelling your emotions within you and consciously keeping them at bay? Think about the amount of force and energy this involves. Your emotions may be packed in so tightly that the pressure could build up to the point of possible explosion.

"You can delay the grieving process by denying it or just not allowing yourself to cry or to face it," says Dr. H. Norman Wright. "It's like you put a lid on your life and on your emotions. It is a form of repression, and whenever you repress any of your feelings, you bury them alive. Someday there will be a resurrection, but you will not be in charge of it. It could come through depression. It could come out through explosiveness."

In the midst of overwhelming emotional suffering and pressure, Jesus looked to God with determination.

"And being in anguish he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground" (Luke 22:44).

Holy God, may my resolve to release my emotional pressure and to seek You be as earnest as Jesus' prayer. Amen.

~ I can testify that explosiveness does happen. I finally had a point where I would be sitting at work and break down crying. It was at that point that I went to see my primary care physician and she suggested therapy as well as increasing my depression medicine. She knew that I needed to talk it out. It was obvious that the depression medicine wasn't covering up the hurt. It was obvious that my emotions need to come out because they were just boiling under the surface and the smallest thing that would remind me of my sister or mom would set me off on a crying spell. It took a while for me to admit it myself, but I am so glad that I sought help. Suppression is never the answer.

Isolation - Day 62

Isolation
Day 62

Sometimes you just want everyone to leave you alone. So you build a protective wall around yourself, not only to keep other people out, but also to guard against unwanted emotions. You may think you are playing it safe, but instead you are blocking out the healing.

"There are people who love you and want to pray for you and want to talk with you," says Dr. Tim Clinton. "If you allow that to happen, God puts great salve on deep wounds."

Doesn't that sound wonderful -- a great salve on deep wounds?
Jeremiah called out to God for just a thing and found Him to be faithful and true.

"Is there no balm in Gilead? Is there no physician there? Why then is there no healing for the wound of my people?" (Jeremiah 8:22).

"But I will restore you health and heal your wounds,' declares the LORD, 'because you are called an outcast, Zion for whom no one cares'" (Jeremiah 30:17).

Faithful God, bring me out of my self-imposed isolation that I may be healed by the Balm of Gilead--Jesus Christ. Amen.

 ~ I am grateful that I didn't really get to the place of isolation. I might be delusional, but it felt like my family withdrew from me. How do you approach someone who has just lost her sister and mom and ask "how are you doing?" or "how are you holding up?" Those become loaded questions and most people try to shy away from doing that because they really don't want the answer to the question.  It would have been nice to have people around me for longer than just me moving out of my house and into an apartment. It would have been nice for them to be more present in my son's life even before the losses. I think I tend to have a bit of resentment because I am so loving and giving or try to be and when it comes to reciprocation, I think we get lost in the shuffle. I tend to feel unwanted or unneeded in my family and therefore unimportant. I try not to put that stigma on my child and for him to feel loved and wanted all the time. I try and keep things positive in his view so that he doesn't feel the negativity that I do or the dismay. I think mostly, I just want him to be a happy kid and not have the hurt and sorrow that I still am working through. It is like fears. I notice he is picking up fears that he didn't have before. I just try to make sure that I help him through those and help him along the way so that he doesn't end up in this barren feeling that I still am working through.

This Can't Be Happening - Day 61

This Can't Be Happening
Day 61

Although your mind knows the facts, your heart is often reluctant to accept the death of someone you know and love.

"You may have a tendency to deny," says Dr. H. Norman Wright, "Denial covers over the sharpness of the pain."

Denial is a process that occurs during grieving to minimize the struggle. This is a natural and transitional part of your healing journey.

Randy shares how he experienced denial after his sister died, but over time, he found that denial was impossible: "After the funeral I was basically denial. I tried to dive into my work and forget about it. It's taken a long time. Little things will remind me: things that she did, places she went to. Things like that will all of a sudden bring this very empty, hollow feeling inside me, where I can't breathe. I feel like the air is just sucked out of me. It's been five years, but trying to deny it or to ignore it is not possible."

You may be tempted to "dive into" your work and fill your mind with anything but the truth of the situation. But the book of Proverbs tells us to be open to the truth and to pursue it: "Buy the truth and do not sell it; get wisdom, discipline and understanding" (23:23).

Jesus, give me the courage to face the truth. With Your help I know I can do it. Amen.

~ I don't know that I ever denied that the losses happened. I think I might have denied how I was dealing with it or the fact that I needed to deal with it. Being that I was on depression meds and quite numb overall, I had a want to feel something, yet the need to be able to function. It was those two fighting passions that caused quite a break down in my emotional stability and finally the necessity for me to admit that I needed to get off the depression medicine. I finally really was seeking a support group. I knew that I needed a support group for the weight loss, so surely I needed a support group to help with the grief.

Out of Control - Day 60

Out of Control
Day 60

Not only are your emotions unpredictable, but they may also seem uncontrollable. This changing nature combined with the intensity of the emotions can cause you to feel disoriented, forgetful, and overpowered.

"There was this overwhelming feeling of being out of control ... overwhelmed and watching life pass by," says Cindy following her daughter's death.

Your response to these uncontrollable emotions can be confusing to you as well as to others; for instance, sometimes you may want people with you, and sometimes you do not. You may also act in ways you later regret.

Job expressed this sentiment: "If only my anguish could be weighed and all my misery placed on the scales! It would surely outweigh the sand of the seas - no wonder my words have been impetuous" (Job 6:2-3).

Precious Lord, You know the desires of my heart. In my confusion give me peace to know that You are in control of all life and You do not make mistakes. Amen.

~ I just said this very thing! Confirmation! I felt like this quite often until I did the circle the emotions exercise. Now I don't feel those same ones. Now that I have started to express myself through sharing it on here. Sometimes I wish I had companionship so that I didn't feel so alone, yet other times I wish I could get time to be alone. Being a single mom, I really don't get time to myself much. It has been a struggle, but at the same time, I don't not want my child with me. I know he is safe with me and I know where he is and how he is doing and if he wasn't with me then I would worry about that, so having him with me, while I don't get much down time or me time, it is a blessing and so wanted and needed.

Sudden and Unpredictable - Day 59

Sudden and Unpredictable
Day 59

Emotions during grief do not occur in an orderly fashion. You cannot follow a checklist and mark off the emotions you are finished with and then move on to the next. They come suddenly and unpredictably.

"People ask me, 'How are you doing?' And I say, 'Wonderful.' One moment I'm sobbing uncontrollably -- I carry Kleenex around in my pocket -- and the next moment I'm so exhilarated with joy with all that God is doing in my life," says Dr. Jim Conway.

Circumstances will change. People will change. Surroundings will change. But the Bible leads you to the one sure thing: "I the LORD do not change" (Malachi 3:6).

Almighty, unchanging God, I grasp on to Your hand as my emotions confuse and overwhelm me. You alone cannot be moved, and I am confident that as long as I remain in You, I, too will not be moved. Amen.

~ I concur. There was a time that I wondered if I was bipolar, after the deaths of my sister and mother. I would have a good day going and then suddenly I would be in tears and miserable. I have had times when I walk into the grief share class and I am smiling and happy and then something is said in class that just strikes something up in my core and I just start crying. It is as if it is a signal that it is okay to cry and I feel "safe" there. I feel like I get that affirmation that it is okay to grieve and I get the validity of my hurt made in this safe place. It is a gathering of grieving people that gather in the name of their loved ones, but more importantly, in the name of the LORD.  So beautiful that is!