Unpredictable Emotions - Day 6

Unpredictable Emotions
Day 6

The unpredictable timing and odd combinations of emotions that hit you during grief can leave you confused and despairing.

"My life was totally flipped upside down emotionally, in every way you could think of," says Sue, whose husband died.

Your emotions not only hit hard, but they can also occur at unexpected moments, which makes the impact seem even worse. Being aware of the unpredictable nature of your emotions will help you stand firm during each new barrage. God's promises in the Bible will also help you to persevere.

In Matthew 5:4 Jesus promises comfort and a blessing for those who go through the process of grief and mourning: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."

Lord, when my emotions come and go with no semblance of order, remind me that this is to be expected during grief, and help me to stand firm. Amen.

~My emotions definitely hit hard, fast and in a hurry. Sometimes they take their sweet time for me to work through. Even when I think that I have worked through something, I tend to find that I relive that same moment again. It feels like I keep repeating the same thing over and over. Isn't that the definition of insanity... repeating the same action expecting a different result?!?! However, I am not sure that I expect anything anymore. I definitely don't purposefully rinse and repeat my grieving. I can't imagine that anyone would purposefully dwell in the land of the hurt and pain. I certainly don't mean to nor to I intend on doing so. I made a decision a while back (almost a year ago to be exact) that I wanted to live. I made that decision when I started to seek out weight loss surgery. I was diabetic and the weight was continuing to pile on. I was in a place where I didn't know if I could continue on that path and still be here for my son. It was at that time that I declared that I wanted to live. That I needed to live and that my son was my reason for living. I honestly believe that if it weren't for my son, I wouldn't have a reason to live. God gave me my miracle child when he did and gave him 15 wonderful months with my sister and my mom. I am saddened that my stepfather decided to make his departure before the two physical losses and that he still hasn't tried to be in my child's life. However, he is in a different place and believes different things and family isn't one of those things I guess.  I was brought up that family was the most important thing next to God. We didn't really have a strong push to be religious, but I still found my way to getting baptized at the age of 23. I found my way to the church and I kept the faith even in my faith trials of my mother getting sick.  I have to wonder how much faith I really had if when my sister died and my mother shortly after that I "turned my back" on God. He went from being 1st in my life to being a distant cousin. I still prayed, but it was different. It was like the conversations that I thought I was having were just gone. I felt in silence. It was like my prayers were falling on deaf ears.  Perhaps it was me that was deaf in the situation. I became so null and void in my feelings and emotions and was being medicated to feel nothing so that I didn't really progress into a grieving process until I got off the medicine before my weight loss surgery. It was then that I decided that I didn't want to be on depression medicine anymore. I didn't want to be depressed, but I certainly didn't want to live in a land of fog anymore. I knew that I was strong enough to deal with my emotions and that I NEEDED to go through it in order to come out on the other side a better person. I can't believe or couldn't even imagine that I would be the person that I am today if you had asked me 4 year ago where I would be today.
People ask you "where do you think you will be in 5 years?" Never once did I think that I would be in a different and new reality where I didn't have my sister and my mother. Where I would be closer to my dad and where my stepfather would be out of the picture. It is a true upheaval of my life and like a reset button on my inner computer. Weird, yet a new reality regardless. I wonder sometimes if I mourn for the Amber that I used to be because I don't remember her. I don't remember a time when I was just going through life and my biggest problem was my baby daddy and his drama.  Now it is a new reality where my best friend is gone and my momma is missing from my life.  *tear*