Denial - Day 17

Denial
Day 17

Are you living a bad dream? Is every step and every move you make automatic and devoid of emotion? Do you feel suspended in time and unable or unwilling to start up again?

Don't worry. You are experiencing a typical first reaction to grief -- denial. Denial is a natural reaction to one of life's most painful events. Your body uses denial as a protective devise, be it consciously or subconsciously, to avoid facing reality.

"The clock will mean nothing anymore," says Rev. John Coulombe. "Barely will the calendar. People won't know what day it is, yet their senses are more keenly aware than ever before. It's like a dream that is happening, and they can't get out of it. Everything is in slow motion. But this is normal; this is a response to death."

You must not feel guilty or anxious if you are experiencing denial; God offers you reassurance for this portion of the journey. You can say with confidence, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you [God} are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me" (Psalm 23:4).

Oh, Lord God, I am numb in the valley of the shadow of death, but I know You are holding me steady, and You won't ever let me go. Amen.

~ For two years, I was in this place. I felt like I was in a bad dream and I prayed to wake up and not be in the same place. I feel like under "normal" circumstances, losing my sister would have been a little more tolerable had I not then lost my mother. I had my very life changed so drastically all in less than a month. I felt like the rug had been pulled from under me and yet I just went through the motions. I didn't think about what I was going to do, I don't even remember my son's 2nd birthday. I remember having it at the Children's Museum, but I don't remember who all came and what not. It was a packed full house, but I can't remember. I don't even remember Christmas that year. It happened, I know it did because the world didn't stop just because my mom and sister died, but my world was so shaken to the core that I went numb. I lost Amber. I was just going through the motions and not really living. I had no joy other than my son. I found that I would cling to my son even stronger and even my younger sister. I felt a responsibility for her as well. Suddenly, I wasn't the middle child, I was the oldest and I wasn't just the sister, I was the mother figure. I was there to "raise" my sister since she was born when I was 12, but I felt it more of a burden since I didn't get my middle and high school years to go out and get in trouble. I now can see that as a blessing, but I did rebel because of it. Now, I worry about her and what she is doing and how she is getting to work. It is like I have two kids. I feel like I have let my sister down because I didn't step up and be more present in the lives of her children when she loved mine so very much. It makes me sad to think that way, so I try to think that I did all I could do which was just try to make sure that I could take care of myself and my child. I, as a single mother, couldn't take on the challenge of two more boys and my brother-in-law certainly seemed to be moving on since he moved a woman into the house less than two months after my sister died. That is his burden to bear and I can't carry that cross. I was angry and hurt, but it was his life. I can't tell someone else how to grieve or when to grieve when I am just learning the process myself and it is now 3 years since my sister and mom passed. So, who am I to judge or instruct. I just pray for understanding and for things to pan out.