Share Honestly - Day 42

Share Honestly
Day 42

You need to be honest about your relationship with the person you lost. Sometimes after a death, you may reinvent the relationship you had and make it either better or worse than it really was. Altering the truth will hinder your recovery process.

Remember the good as well as the bad about your relationship, not to feel guilt or sadness, but as an honest release.

"In my integrity you uphold me and set me in your presence forever" (Psalm 41:12).

You respect my honesty, O Lord. Forgive me for changing the truth of this past relationship in my mind. My life cannot be rebuilt on the frailty and danger of lies and half-truths.

I honestly come before You now and tell You what You already know -- the truth about my relationship with the one I lost. Here it is, Lord, the good and the bad. My honesty is stronger and more secure than any lies I have been fooling myself with.

Lord, uphold me in my integrity and be with me forever. Amen.

~ I guess I never thought about whether or not the relationship I thought I had with my mom or sister where in fact the ones that I truly had. I think that with the birth of my son, I got closer to my mom and my sister. I didn't have a close relationship with my sister until I told her I was pregnant. She was the happiest auntie in the world and she exclaimed it as soon as I told everyone I was pregnant at 22 weeks along. I waited a long time, but it helped me to be able to be that far along and not be judged. I know that I shouldn't depend on others for approval, but I knew I was going to be a single mother and I knew that I was going to struggle. No one ever wants that for themselves and I surely never expected that I would be a single mother. But, the life of my child was my decision and it was God's decision to give me a child when he did and with whom he did. Everything happens for a reason and I just think my heavenly stars that while it hasn't been all roses, that Justice did get 15 wonderful months with my sister and my mom. I can't imagine going through pregnancy with them. I can't imagine having a child and them not being there. I have long said that Anthony is the reason why I won't have another child, but in all reality, I think the true reason is because I just don't know if or how I could get through those pregnancy hormones and the grieving at the same time. It would be like grieving all over again because I would be grieving their loss for the new child and not having them there to experience that child's baby shower and birth and first birthday. They were here for Justice's birth and his first birthday. It would be bitter sweet. I will conquer that when and if that ever happens, but it is helpful to write that I have that fear and bit of anxiety in the back of my mind and in my heart. Give it to God.  For He knows what He has in store for me. I just pray that he sends me a man of God and one that will be there for me and our children. Amen.