Losing a Part of Yourself - Day 11

Losing a Part of Yourself
Day 11

The loss of a close family member creates extra depth and complexity to your grief. you shared a special and intimate connection with your loved one, and this relationship helped you define who you were. Losing this person has literally ripped you apart on the inside, leaving you unsure of your own identity.

Dr. Jim Conway, speaking of the death of his wife, says, "When Sally died, it was as if someone took a giant samurai sword and just cut me right down the middle. I kept asking myself and God, 'How am I supposed to go on with one leg, with one arm, with half a brain? How am I supposed to do all of this?'"

There is hope for you. Your identity can be found again when you abide in the Lord Jesus Christ and place your faith in Him. This will not happen overnight, and the process may be very painful. But Jesus will certainly help you as you depend on Him.

"If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him" (1 John 4:15-16).

Lord Jesus, piece me back together again with Your unfailing love. Amen.

~ I think I can identify with this very thought. I suddenly didn't know what to do with myself once I wasn't being a caregiver to my mom and wasn't driving every day to Deer Park to take my son to my sister. I was lost. I still get a little anxious about the drive to that side of town because the memories flood back and some aren't good. I feel a lot of hurt still. Not so much when I am going to the cemetery, but more so when I am heading the route of my sister's house. I just went that direction this last weekend and I started to get teary eyed and had to talk myself through it because I had Justice in the car and didn't know how I was going to explain why momma suddenly was starting to cry. I certainly don't want to give my son those sad feelings or any anxiousness when it comes to areas or places. He remembers things and often will remind me that I have said something later and so I now try to make sure that I am not passing on any fears, stigmas, anxiety or doubts in my child's mind or heart.
I mentioned with yesterday's post that I don't remember who Amber prior to the deaths was, and I get it now. I do feel like my best friend and confidant is gone. I can't just pick up the phone and call her and ask her something silly or talk to her on Facebook. We used to play games on Facebook and she would take pictures of Justice and send them to me or post them so I could see him during the day. I miss that. Now he is in daycare and I just get to see him before school and after school. I can't just call up and talk to my child or my sister anymore. It is something that I miss so much. I think I was dependent on my sister so much that I can't remember a time when I didn't talk to her every day several times a day. It became a ritual and honestly, I can't even remember her home phone number anymore. Weird considering I used to call that number so much 3 years ago. :(  This process isn't an easy one, but I am glad that I have started to really take this season of grief by the horns.