The Third Principle of the Journey: Be Involved
Day 45
"Don't imagine that you're gonna tough this out and make it all by yourself," says Dr. Jim Conway.
Do you have a person with whom you can share your innermost feelings about your loss? Take action to find someone. Often it is helpful to find someone who has experienced a loss similar to your own.
Pray first that God will direct you. Then make a list of family members, friends, neighbors, and coworkers with whom you might share. Pick up the phone and plan a time to meet and talk. You might also call your local church and explain that you just need someone to talk to about your situation. Another idea is to find a grief support group where you can share, ventilate, talk and find support from others who can truly relate. 1
"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up" (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10).
Lord, direct me to the person You want me to have as a friend and confidant during this time of grief. Amen.
1 - To find the GriefShare grief recovery support group nearest you, call 1-800-395-5755, email info@griefshare.org, visit their website at www.griefshare.org, or write to Church Initiative, PO BOX 1739, Wake Forest, NC 27588-1739.
~ I have the support of the wonderful people in the grief share class. I have this blog of my season of grief and I have my son, who is my reason for breathing. I am sure there are people who don't have that and it makes me sad to think of that.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
The Second Principle of the Journey: Be Expressive - Day 44
The Second Principle of the Journey: Be Expressive
Day 44
Express your tears and your pain. In order to move on, you cannot push down and pocket your emotions; they must be fully communicated for you to heal.
"Everyone cries," says Dr. H. Norman Wright. "Everyone sheds tears. Some people do it on the outside, but some are only capable of doing it on the inside. From a health perspective, the shedding of tears is very beneficial to physical well-being.
"The people who are unable or haven't developed the capacity to cry are carrying a heavier load of emotion that can actually contribute to some physical difficulties. I don't think you should ever apologize for your tears because you never apologize for something that is a gift from God."
Pull out your emotions. Face the pain head-on. Mourn loudly. Weep bitterly. Be set free.
When Peter realized he had disowned Jesus three times, he "went outside and wept bitterly" (Luke 22:62). When Stephen, the first Christian martyr, died, devout men, "made loud lamentation over him" (Acts 8:2 NASB).
Holy God, I'm so adept at pushing down my emotions that I don't know how to pull them up, but I know that I must. Give me the opportunity and the courage to let my emotions pour out freely. Amen.
~ I love that this day's message is that expression is healthy. I love that it exclaims that to do so is to "be set free". I allow God in to my heart and my soul and in doing so, give him my hurt and burdens of grief. I allow Him to be the one to guide me through my days and heal my heart at night when I am alone in my thoughts and those thoughts often guide themselves to my longing for my lost loved ones. I pray that I am healed and that I may in turn be a light for someone else. In Jesus' name, Amen.
Day 44
Express your tears and your pain. In order to move on, you cannot push down and pocket your emotions; they must be fully communicated for you to heal.
"Everyone cries," says Dr. H. Norman Wright. "Everyone sheds tears. Some people do it on the outside, but some are only capable of doing it on the inside. From a health perspective, the shedding of tears is very beneficial to physical well-being.
"The people who are unable or haven't developed the capacity to cry are carrying a heavier load of emotion that can actually contribute to some physical difficulties. I don't think you should ever apologize for your tears because you never apologize for something that is a gift from God."
Pull out your emotions. Face the pain head-on. Mourn loudly. Weep bitterly. Be set free.
When Peter realized he had disowned Jesus three times, he "went outside and wept bitterly" (Luke 22:62). When Stephen, the first Christian martyr, died, devout men, "made loud lamentation over him" (Acts 8:2 NASB).
Holy God, I'm so adept at pushing down my emotions that I don't know how to pull them up, but I know that I must. Give me the opportunity and the courage to let my emotions pour out freely. Amen.
~ I love that this day's message is that expression is healthy. I love that it exclaims that to do so is to "be set free". I allow God in to my heart and my soul and in doing so, give him my hurt and burdens of grief. I allow Him to be the one to guide me through my days and heal my heart at night when I am alone in my thoughts and those thoughts often guide themselves to my longing for my lost loved ones. I pray that I am healed and that I may in turn be a light for someone else. In Jesus' name, Amen.
The First Principle of the Journey: Be Honest - Day 43
The First Principle of the Journey: Be Honest
Day 43
Do you embrace honesty as a foundational principle in your life?
If yes, then honestly evaluate your emotions right now. What emotions and struggles have you experienced from the first moment of your grief until now, including those you have not admitted to others? Be honest with yourself and with other people.
"When you are suffering, you may sometimes tend to withdraw, pull back, and pull away," says Anne Graham Lotz. "I do think there is a time for that, and each day you should spend time alone with the Lord. But don't forsake other people, because other people can give you comfort and encouragement and help you keep your focus. Sometimes you can get so preoccupied with the problem that it consumes you. Other people can help give you a balance."
God wants you to be truthful with yourself and with other people. He wants to free you from the debilitating effects of withdrawing and hiding your emotions. Jesus says in the book of John that "the truth will set you free." Read the book of John to learn more about Jesus' teaching, His truth, and true freedom.
"Jesus said, 'If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free ... So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed" (John 8:31-32, 36).
Lord Jesus, I want to be set free. Amen.
~ Yes, I do. So heavy is the burden of telling the lie "i am alright" or "i am doing just fine" when inside I am screaming "I just need a hug today" or "I need a break from myself and while I love my child, I need a break from him as well". Grieving doesn't stop to let you do the things you need to do in order to get things done. There are days when I would just need to lay in bed and I did. It was hard to get up out of bed and focus on anything. I would get up just to feed Justice, but then would lay right back down and sleep with one eye open so that I could hear if he was up to no good (which he never really was). It is hard to be a single mom all by itself, it is even more complex and difficult when you are struggling with depression and debilitating sadness and emotions from grief. I think I still hide my emotions when people ask me how I am doing and I do it because I don't want to have to explain nor do I want to hear them tell me what people say to people who "should be over it by now". I know they mean well, but it is like they dismiss my feelings to move on and keep from having their own. I can't make someone feel anything nor do I want anyone to feel anything they don't want to. No one truly will know the pain I feel and the anguish I suffer because they didn't have the relationships with those two women like I did. They don't mourn the way I do or to the depth. That doesn't mean that they are better or I am better or anyone else is better; it just makes us different and unique and that is what grief is. It is unique to each of us and we just have to find a way to go through it.
Day 43
Do you embrace honesty as a foundational principle in your life?
If yes, then honestly evaluate your emotions right now. What emotions and struggles have you experienced from the first moment of your grief until now, including those you have not admitted to others? Be honest with yourself and with other people.
"When you are suffering, you may sometimes tend to withdraw, pull back, and pull away," says Anne Graham Lotz. "I do think there is a time for that, and each day you should spend time alone with the Lord. But don't forsake other people, because other people can give you comfort and encouragement and help you keep your focus. Sometimes you can get so preoccupied with the problem that it consumes you. Other people can help give you a balance."
God wants you to be truthful with yourself and with other people. He wants to free you from the debilitating effects of withdrawing and hiding your emotions. Jesus says in the book of John that "the truth will set you free." Read the book of John to learn more about Jesus' teaching, His truth, and true freedom.
"Jesus said, 'If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free ... So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed" (John 8:31-32, 36).
Lord Jesus, I want to be set free. Amen.
~ Yes, I do. So heavy is the burden of telling the lie "i am alright" or "i am doing just fine" when inside I am screaming "I just need a hug today" or "I need a break from myself and while I love my child, I need a break from him as well". Grieving doesn't stop to let you do the things you need to do in order to get things done. There are days when I would just need to lay in bed and I did. It was hard to get up out of bed and focus on anything. I would get up just to feed Justice, but then would lay right back down and sleep with one eye open so that I could hear if he was up to no good (which he never really was). It is hard to be a single mom all by itself, it is even more complex and difficult when you are struggling with depression and debilitating sadness and emotions from grief. I think I still hide my emotions when people ask me how I am doing and I do it because I don't want to have to explain nor do I want to hear them tell me what people say to people who "should be over it by now". I know they mean well, but it is like they dismiss my feelings to move on and keep from having their own. I can't make someone feel anything nor do I want anyone to feel anything they don't want to. No one truly will know the pain I feel and the anguish I suffer because they didn't have the relationships with those two women like I did. They don't mourn the way I do or to the depth. That doesn't mean that they are better or I am better or anyone else is better; it just makes us different and unique and that is what grief is. It is unique to each of us and we just have to find a way to go through it.
Share Honestly - Day 42
Share Honestly
Day 42
You need to be honest about your relationship with the person you lost. Sometimes after a death, you may reinvent the relationship you had and make it either better or worse than it really was. Altering the truth will hinder your recovery process.
Remember the good as well as the bad about your relationship, not to feel guilt or sadness, but as an honest release.
"In my integrity you uphold me and set me in your presence forever" (Psalm 41:12).
You respect my honesty, O Lord. Forgive me for changing the truth of this past relationship in my mind. My life cannot be rebuilt on the frailty and danger of lies and half-truths.
I honestly come before You now and tell You what You already know -- the truth about my relationship with the one I lost. Here it is, Lord, the good and the bad. My honesty is stronger and more secure than any lies I have been fooling myself with.
Lord, uphold me in my integrity and be with me forever. Amen.
~ I guess I never thought about whether or not the relationship I thought I had with my mom or sister where in fact the ones that I truly had. I think that with the birth of my son, I got closer to my mom and my sister. I didn't have a close relationship with my sister until I told her I was pregnant. She was the happiest auntie in the world and she exclaimed it as soon as I told everyone I was pregnant at 22 weeks along. I waited a long time, but it helped me to be able to be that far along and not be judged. I know that I shouldn't depend on others for approval, but I knew I was going to be a single mother and I knew that I was going to struggle. No one ever wants that for themselves and I surely never expected that I would be a single mother. But, the life of my child was my decision and it was God's decision to give me a child when he did and with whom he did. Everything happens for a reason and I just think my heavenly stars that while it hasn't been all roses, that Justice did get 15 wonderful months with my sister and my mom. I can't imagine going through pregnancy with them. I can't imagine having a child and them not being there. I have long said that Anthony is the reason why I won't have another child, but in all reality, I think the true reason is because I just don't know if or how I could get through those pregnancy hormones and the grieving at the same time. It would be like grieving all over again because I would be grieving their loss for the new child and not having them there to experience that child's baby shower and birth and first birthday. They were here for Justice's birth and his first birthday. It would be bitter sweet. I will conquer that when and if that ever happens, but it is helpful to write that I have that fear and bit of anxiety in the back of my mind and in my heart. Give it to God. For He knows what He has in store for me. I just pray that he sends me a man of God and one that will be there for me and our children. Amen.
Day 42
You need to be honest about your relationship with the person you lost. Sometimes after a death, you may reinvent the relationship you had and make it either better or worse than it really was. Altering the truth will hinder your recovery process.
Remember the good as well as the bad about your relationship, not to feel guilt or sadness, but as an honest release.
"In my integrity you uphold me and set me in your presence forever" (Psalm 41:12).
You respect my honesty, O Lord. Forgive me for changing the truth of this past relationship in my mind. My life cannot be rebuilt on the frailty and danger of lies and half-truths.
I honestly come before You now and tell You what You already know -- the truth about my relationship with the one I lost. Here it is, Lord, the good and the bad. My honesty is stronger and more secure than any lies I have been fooling myself with.
Lord, uphold me in my integrity and be with me forever. Amen.
~ I guess I never thought about whether or not the relationship I thought I had with my mom or sister where in fact the ones that I truly had. I think that with the birth of my son, I got closer to my mom and my sister. I didn't have a close relationship with my sister until I told her I was pregnant. She was the happiest auntie in the world and she exclaimed it as soon as I told everyone I was pregnant at 22 weeks along. I waited a long time, but it helped me to be able to be that far along and not be judged. I know that I shouldn't depend on others for approval, but I knew I was going to be a single mother and I knew that I was going to struggle. No one ever wants that for themselves and I surely never expected that I would be a single mother. But, the life of my child was my decision and it was God's decision to give me a child when he did and with whom he did. Everything happens for a reason and I just think my heavenly stars that while it hasn't been all roses, that Justice did get 15 wonderful months with my sister and my mom. I can't imagine going through pregnancy with them. I can't imagine having a child and them not being there. I have long said that Anthony is the reason why I won't have another child, but in all reality, I think the true reason is because I just don't know if or how I could get through those pregnancy hormones and the grieving at the same time. It would be like grieving all over again because I would be grieving their loss for the new child and not having them there to experience that child's baby shower and birth and first birthday. They were here for Justice's birth and his first birthday. It would be bitter sweet. I will conquer that when and if that ever happens, but it is helpful to write that I have that fear and bit of anxiety in the back of my mind and in my heart. Give it to God. For He knows what He has in store for me. I just pray that he sends me a man of God and one that will be there for me and our children. Amen.
Sharing Your Grief - Day 41
Sharing Your Grief
Day 41
Which of these sentences best describes you? Your spouse? Siblings? Children?
A. I like to open up and share deep-felt emotions as often as possible.
B. I can think of a million things I'd rather do than bring up the pain again by talking about it.
Every person has his or her own way of reacting to grief, and men and women often respond differently.
"My husband still has a hard time just talking about it," says Dora, who lost her daughter. "I think his way of dealing with it is to dive into work, to avoid it, to not talk about it. Many times it causes problems between us because I want to talk about it. For me, it's like he's not validating my suffering by allowing me to share it with him. For him, it's as if I'm opening up his wounds by wanting him to share it with me."
You cannot change another person to grieve in a way that pleases you, but you can give your concerns about that person to God and pray that he or she will someday open up and release those crippling emotions.
"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of the righteous man is powerful and effective" (James 5:16).
Lord God, it's so important that I share my emotions with others. Only You can soften a heart that is hardened. Once again, I give it to You. Amen.
~ AMEN~ I would have to say that Justice and I are both A. As I said before, I am teaching him to talk about his feelings rather than keep them in and then he explodes later. It is all about trust and believing in me that I will listen when he has fears, concerns, hurt or joy. I take the good and the bad and then help him to talk about it. I think this is the most precious gift a mother can give to her child.
I do feel it is important for me to share my emotions with others. This seems to be the least invasive way to do it. I don't want to bring others to hurt or remind them since some may not have really started their season of grief. I also don't want to rehash any for anyone that has already moved forward and through it. I do, however, pray that I can talk to my friends and family and feel at peace about it.
Day 41
Which of these sentences best describes you? Your spouse? Siblings? Children?
A. I like to open up and share deep-felt emotions as often as possible.
B. I can think of a million things I'd rather do than bring up the pain again by talking about it.
Every person has his or her own way of reacting to grief, and men and women often respond differently.
"My husband still has a hard time just talking about it," says Dora, who lost her daughter. "I think his way of dealing with it is to dive into work, to avoid it, to not talk about it. Many times it causes problems between us because I want to talk about it. For me, it's like he's not validating my suffering by allowing me to share it with him. For him, it's as if I'm opening up his wounds by wanting him to share it with me."
You cannot change another person to grieve in a way that pleases you, but you can give your concerns about that person to God and pray that he or she will someday open up and release those crippling emotions.
"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of the righteous man is powerful and effective" (James 5:16).
Lord God, it's so important that I share my emotions with others. Only You can soften a heart that is hardened. Once again, I give it to You. Amen.
~ AMEN~ I would have to say that Justice and I are both A. As I said before, I am teaching him to talk about his feelings rather than keep them in and then he explodes later. It is all about trust and believing in me that I will listen when he has fears, concerns, hurt or joy. I take the good and the bad and then help him to talk about it. I think this is the most precious gift a mother can give to her child.
I do feel it is important for me to share my emotions with others. This seems to be the least invasive way to do it. I don't want to bring others to hurt or remind them since some may not have really started their season of grief. I also don't want to rehash any for anyone that has already moved forward and through it. I do, however, pray that I can talk to my friends and family and feel at peace about it.
Talk About It - Day 40
Talk About It
Day 40
Death is a part of life. Everyone experiences the death of a loved one.
"We are social beings, physical beings, and spiritual beings," says Rev. Clay Evans. "When you lose someone you are attached to, it is normal, it is natural, for you to grieve."
If grief is natural and is part of everyone's life, why is there a feeling of discomfort when someone mentions the death of a loved one? Why the embarrassment when tears come during an ordinary conversation?
People in grief may avoid their friends and even their church to prevent these awkward moments. This is not how it should be. Someone needs to move beyond the discomfort. Be the first one to squelch the prevailing attitude of embarrassment and unease, and start talking about grief.
"Bear one another's burdens, and thus fulfill the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:2 NASB).
Lord Jesus, grieving is as natural and as common as loving. I want to help make it as acceptable, too. May my healing journey spark healing in those around me. Amen.
~This is my true heart's desire. I pray that through my journey and chronicling it, I will have shared something with someone that meant something. I don't even need to know that something I have said helped someone else. This isn't for praise or for applause. I am doing this to help myself and have hopes that I will be able to be someone that my friends and family can turn to for guidance when they have to start their season of grief. I am not and will not be an expert, but I will be a person of empathy and sympathy and will not judge nor will I try and "fix" someone who is grieving, because fixing isn't what a grieving person needs/wants/desires. It is just about listening and being there. I know I have said it several times now, but it really is just what I needed and while I didn't get it, I hope and pray that I am that person for someone else some day.
Day 40
Death is a part of life. Everyone experiences the death of a loved one.
"We are social beings, physical beings, and spiritual beings," says Rev. Clay Evans. "When you lose someone you are attached to, it is normal, it is natural, for you to grieve."
If grief is natural and is part of everyone's life, why is there a feeling of discomfort when someone mentions the death of a loved one? Why the embarrassment when tears come during an ordinary conversation?
People in grief may avoid their friends and even their church to prevent these awkward moments. This is not how it should be. Someone needs to move beyond the discomfort. Be the first one to squelch the prevailing attitude of embarrassment and unease, and start talking about grief.
"Bear one another's burdens, and thus fulfill the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:2 NASB).
Lord Jesus, grieving is as natural and as common as loving. I want to help make it as acceptable, too. May my healing journey spark healing in those around me. Amen.
~This is my true heart's desire. I pray that through my journey and chronicling it, I will have shared something with someone that meant something. I don't even need to know that something I have said helped someone else. This isn't for praise or for applause. I am doing this to help myself and have hopes that I will be able to be someone that my friends and family can turn to for guidance when they have to start their season of grief. I am not and will not be an expert, but I will be a person of empathy and sympathy and will not judge nor will I try and "fix" someone who is grieving, because fixing isn't what a grieving person needs/wants/desires. It is just about listening and being there. I know I have said it several times now, but it really is just what I needed and while I didn't get it, I hope and pray that I am that person for someone else some day.
Society's Superficial Response to Grief - Day 39
Society's Superficial Response to Grief
Day 39
Society often concerns itself with keeping up appearances, maintaining the status quo, and covering up problems, as if pretense will somehow make things right!
"We want everything to be glossed over," Rev. John Coulombe observes. "We want everything to be gilded with gold. We think it should be tidy and nice."
But life is not "tidy and nice" and pretending it is will hinder your healing process and make it even longer.
Remember that your view is not God's. Realizing this, draw close to Him and listen to His wisdom. His perspective on your grief is the one you need to seek.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the LORD. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts'" (Isaiah 55:8-9).
Holy God, teach me to grieve wisely, knowing that You truly understand my hurts and my needs and knowing that Your way for me is far better than society's expectations of me. Amen.
~ It is such a sad thing that we base our worth and our responses to emotions on what society (other people) say is right or just. I am blessed that I don't do that anymore. Judge not lest ye be judged. I don't want to judge anyone else nor do I want or need anyone else judging me. It is too heavy a burden to bear and I am blessed that I have finally come to realize that the only one that I need to please is the Lord. I need to do right by Him and Him alone. MY worth isn't based off someone else's definitions or parameters and that is a wonderful thing to be able to say out loud and really feel in my mind and heart.
Day 39
Society often concerns itself with keeping up appearances, maintaining the status quo, and covering up problems, as if pretense will somehow make things right!
"We want everything to be glossed over," Rev. John Coulombe observes. "We want everything to be gilded with gold. We think it should be tidy and nice."
But life is not "tidy and nice" and pretending it is will hinder your healing process and make it even longer.
Remember that your view is not God's. Realizing this, draw close to Him and listen to His wisdom. His perspective on your grief is the one you need to seek.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the LORD. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts'" (Isaiah 55:8-9).
Holy God, teach me to grieve wisely, knowing that You truly understand my hurts and my needs and knowing that Your way for me is far better than society's expectations of me. Amen.
~ It is such a sad thing that we base our worth and our responses to emotions on what society (other people) say is right or just. I am blessed that I don't do that anymore. Judge not lest ye be judged. I don't want to judge anyone else nor do I want or need anyone else judging me. It is too heavy a burden to bear and I am blessed that I have finally come to realize that the only one that I need to please is the Lord. I need to do right by Him and Him alone. MY worth isn't based off someone else's definitions or parameters and that is a wonderful thing to be able to say out loud and really feel in my mind and heart.
Uncomfortable Expressing Emotions? - Day 38
Uncomfortable Expressing Emotions?
day 38
Men tend to grieve alone and to express very little about what they are feeling. But keeping emotions bottled up inside slows the healing process.
Dr. Norman Peart says, "Men are taught that they should not express their emotions because that is a sign of weakness. In reality, expressing emotions is a sign of health because it means you are working through those emotions. You have to be honest with yourself; you do hurt."
God wants you to pour out your emotions to Him: "Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge" (Psalm 62:8).
He also directs you to share your emotions with others: "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn" (Romans 12:15).
O God, I know that You want me to release my emotions to You and to others. Give me the opportunity and the courage to do that. Uncork my bottled emotions so my healing can continue. Amen.
~ I am finding peace in the words that have been sent to me and shared. I thank God that I have been given the opportunity and the courage to release my emotions with others and to God.
day 38
Men tend to grieve alone and to express very little about what they are feeling. But keeping emotions bottled up inside slows the healing process.
Dr. Norman Peart says, "Men are taught that they should not express their emotions because that is a sign of weakness. In reality, expressing emotions is a sign of health because it means you are working through those emotions. You have to be honest with yourself; you do hurt."
God wants you to pour out your emotions to Him: "Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge" (Psalm 62:8).
He also directs you to share your emotions with others: "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn" (Romans 12:15).
O God, I know that You want me to release my emotions to You and to others. Give me the opportunity and the courage to do that. Uncork my bottled emotions so my healing can continue. Amen.
~ I am finding peace in the words that have been sent to me and shared. I thank God that I have been given the opportunity and the courage to release my emotions with others and to God.
Facing Your Emotions - Day 37
Facing Your Emotions
Day 37
Men who seldom express emotions during normal times often find they do not have the tools needed to express their grief in times of bereavement. Their ideas of how a man should behave can hinder the healthy expression of their emotions.
Dr. Larry Crabb says: "Men are real problems and I am one of them. In a way that is different from women, men demand to be able to manage things. A man will naturally not move into chaotic situations where he hasn't got a plan.
"Emotions are probably the least controllable thing about our existence. So when a man begins to honestly face his emotions, his worst terror begins to be realized. He thinks to himself, If I face what's really happening in my soul, I won't have the resources to handle it; I won't come up with a formula or a game plan."
In the Bible, Jacob found it very difficult to move on and to accept comfort. "Then Jacob tore his clothes, put on sackcloth and mourned for his son many days. All his sons and daughters came to comor him, but he refused to be comforted. 'No,' he said, 'in mourning will I go down to the grave to my son.' So his father wept for him" (Genesis 37:34-35).
Lord God, I understand that the power and strength to heal come from You and not my own ability. I give my life and my struggles to You. Amen.
~ I still struggle with handling my emotions. It seems like when I start to talk about my sister and bring up those memories, then I start to cry and it is at unpredictable and often times that are not convenient. No time is really convenient honestly. I don't like to just start balling in front of Justice because I can't explain what the hurt feels like because he was only 15 months when they passed. I don't want him to "be prepared" or expect that he needs to be an emotional wreck when someone dies. He has already cried when his fish died, but it was a little cry because he didn't have the fish, not a true loss I don't think. Better explanation, a loss, but not a loss of the heart. A loss of a possession. A loss none-the-less. I certainly don't want to belittle his losses because I was hurt when people tried to dismiss the loss of my dog. Today's prayer summed up .. Give It To God.
Day 37
Men who seldom express emotions during normal times often find they do not have the tools needed to express their grief in times of bereavement. Their ideas of how a man should behave can hinder the healthy expression of their emotions.
Dr. Larry Crabb says: "Men are real problems and I am one of them. In a way that is different from women, men demand to be able to manage things. A man will naturally not move into chaotic situations where he hasn't got a plan.
"Emotions are probably the least controllable thing about our existence. So when a man begins to honestly face his emotions, his worst terror begins to be realized. He thinks to himself, If I face what's really happening in my soul, I won't have the resources to handle it; I won't come up with a formula or a game plan."
In the Bible, Jacob found it very difficult to move on and to accept comfort. "Then Jacob tore his clothes, put on sackcloth and mourned for his son many days. All his sons and daughters came to comor him, but he refused to be comforted. 'No,' he said, 'in mourning will I go down to the grave to my son.' So his father wept for him" (Genesis 37:34-35).
Lord God, I understand that the power and strength to heal come from You and not my own ability. I give my life and my struggles to You. Amen.
~ I still struggle with handling my emotions. It seems like when I start to talk about my sister and bring up those memories, then I start to cry and it is at unpredictable and often times that are not convenient. No time is really convenient honestly. I don't like to just start balling in front of Justice because I can't explain what the hurt feels like because he was only 15 months when they passed. I don't want him to "be prepared" or expect that he needs to be an emotional wreck when someone dies. He has already cried when his fish died, but it was a little cry because he didn't have the fish, not a true loss I don't think. Better explanation, a loss, but not a loss of the heart. A loss of a possession. A loss none-the-less. I certainly don't want to belittle his losses because I was hurt when people tried to dismiss the loss of my dog. Today's prayer summed up .. Give It To God.
Feeling the Need to Be in Control - Day 36
Feeling the Need to Be in Control
Day 36
When life seems to be spinning out of control, you may grasp whatever reins you can find and hang on. Holding those reins gives you a sense of being in control, not only of your life, but more specifically, of your emotions. Emotions can be frightening because they are the least controllable aspect of your nature. Men in particular feel the need to be in control.
"Most men are high on control," says Jim Grassi. "When tragedy strikes, it's a loss of control. You realize just how small you are in the scheme of things and that God is really the One in control. You must release that control and give it back to God and allow Him the full authority in your life."
As long as you are fighting God for control, you will be the loser. Let it all go. Tell Him today that you are tired of fighting, that you want Him to have full authority in your life.
"The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace" (Romans 8:6).
Holy Spirit, I long for that life and peace. This fight to be strong has depleted the last of my so-called resources. Take my life and lead me on the journey of healing. Amen.
~ Amen. I just need to give it to God. I don't know if it is a pride thing or a stubborn thing, but it is hard to give up control period. Being that I lost my connection with God (okay, I am not sure that one really loses the connection, they just become deaf because they are just too overwhelmed in their own emotions to listen or keep talking to God) I was trying to keep a strong sense of control. I got tired of having to be in control all the time. It is very stressful to put that burden on yourself. It is as if the weight of the world is on your shoulders and you just can't breathe because of the heavy burden. Once I started to be open to hearing the Word again and started seeking out help and guidance, it was then that the pain and weight in my shoulders and the heaviness on heart started to lift.
Day 36
When life seems to be spinning out of control, you may grasp whatever reins you can find and hang on. Holding those reins gives you a sense of being in control, not only of your life, but more specifically, of your emotions. Emotions can be frightening because they are the least controllable aspect of your nature. Men in particular feel the need to be in control.
"Most men are high on control," says Jim Grassi. "When tragedy strikes, it's a loss of control. You realize just how small you are in the scheme of things and that God is really the One in control. You must release that control and give it back to God and allow Him the full authority in your life."
As long as you are fighting God for control, you will be the loser. Let it all go. Tell Him today that you are tired of fighting, that you want Him to have full authority in your life.
"The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace" (Romans 8:6).
Holy Spirit, I long for that life and peace. This fight to be strong has depleted the last of my so-called resources. Take my life and lead me on the journey of healing. Amen.
~ Amen. I just need to give it to God. I don't know if it is a pride thing or a stubborn thing, but it is hard to give up control period. Being that I lost my connection with God (okay, I am not sure that one really loses the connection, they just become deaf because they are just too overwhelmed in their own emotions to listen or keep talking to God) I was trying to keep a strong sense of control. I got tired of having to be in control all the time. It is very stressful to put that burden on yourself. It is as if the weight of the world is on your shoulders and you just can't breathe because of the heavy burden. Once I started to be open to hearing the Word again and started seeking out help and guidance, it was then that the pain and weight in my shoulders and the heaviness on heart started to lift.
Men in Grief - Day 35
Men in Grief
Day 35
As you go through life, you fight stereotypes and popular misconceptions. Several notions exist about how "real men" should act in different situations.
Take a moment to identify your own ideas about how men should "handle" grief. When did you form this opinion? Who modeled this behavior for you? Who might be looking to you as a role model?
Here are some comments from men who have experienced grief:
"In our culture especially," say Rev. Noel Castellanos, "the whole macho thing is very prevelant. I think men are afraid to express their feelings. We haven't had too many people show us how to do that. I remember being very moved when I first became a believer as I saw strong Christian men who had the ability to cry and share their weakness and hurt."
Virgil, whose wife died, observes, "Men, as little kids, are told not to cry and it carries through. To solve this problem, fathers should let their little boys cry. It doesn't hurt a thing. It's an emotion God gives us."
"Christ was a man's man," says Jim Grassi. "Eight of the twelve disciples were fishermen. At times, the disciples wept and they felt grief. They had all the normal emotions that God intended people to have."
David, a warrior and king, pours out his emotions to God throughout the Psalms: "I am bowed down and brought very low; all day long I go about mourning ... I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart ... For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me" (Psalm 38:6, 8, 17).
Almighty God, let my prayer be like David's prayers. Teach me what manhood really is. Open my heart and mind to want this change. Amen.
~ I am not a man, so I don't have this stigma on me. I am a fully emotional woman so I show my hurt outwardly. I am teaching my son that it is okay to cry. I hear people tell their sons to "buck up" or "you are a boy" .. but what are we really telling our sons when we tell them this??!!??
I think we are setting them up for harder times by not allowing them to show their emotions. If it hurts, then tell someone. If it hurts your heart, then it is okay to cry and share those feelings. I don't want my child to be afraid to show his feelings and/or share them. I think the "real men" are those that have emotions, feelings, can cry and have God in their lives.
Day 35
As you go through life, you fight stereotypes and popular misconceptions. Several notions exist about how "real men" should act in different situations.
Take a moment to identify your own ideas about how men should "handle" grief. When did you form this opinion? Who modeled this behavior for you? Who might be looking to you as a role model?
Here are some comments from men who have experienced grief:
"In our culture especially," say Rev. Noel Castellanos, "the whole macho thing is very prevelant. I think men are afraid to express their feelings. We haven't had too many people show us how to do that. I remember being very moved when I first became a believer as I saw strong Christian men who had the ability to cry and share their weakness and hurt."
Virgil, whose wife died, observes, "Men, as little kids, are told not to cry and it carries through. To solve this problem, fathers should let their little boys cry. It doesn't hurt a thing. It's an emotion God gives us."
"Christ was a man's man," says Jim Grassi. "Eight of the twelve disciples were fishermen. At times, the disciples wept and they felt grief. They had all the normal emotions that God intended people to have."
David, a warrior and king, pours out his emotions to God throughout the Psalms: "I am bowed down and brought very low; all day long I go about mourning ... I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart ... For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me" (Psalm 38:6, 8, 17).
Almighty God, let my prayer be like David's prayers. Teach me what manhood really is. Open my heart and mind to want this change. Amen.
~ I am not a man, so I don't have this stigma on me. I am a fully emotional woman so I show my hurt outwardly. I am teaching my son that it is okay to cry. I hear people tell their sons to "buck up" or "you are a boy" .. but what are we really telling our sons when we tell them this??!!??
I think we are setting them up for harder times by not allowing them to show their emotions. If it hurts, then tell someone. If it hurts your heart, then it is okay to cry and share those feelings. I don't want my child to be afraid to show his feelings and/or share them. I think the "real men" are those that have emotions, feelings, can cry and have God in their lives.
Women and Men Grieve Differently - Day 34
Women and Men Grieve Differently
Day 34
Women tend to approach grief differently than men. Often women have a network of friends and relationships already in place, providing them an opportunity for deep personal sharing. Whether you are a man or a woman, you need to vent your emotions, and God uses other people to help you heal.
"Men don't share with each other like women do. They want to get on and get beyond it a lot faster than women do," says Pastor Buck Buchanan. "My advice for them is to get involved in a grief group where they can be encouraged."
Healing will resume when you stop trying to accomplish it by your own strength. God will move through you with His power that far exceeds your own.
"He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me" (2 Corinthians 12:9 NASB).
Lord, I need to be honest. The pain is unbearable. Give me the courage to be real with others and to embrace Your power. Amen.
~ I concur. It wasn't until I reached out that my healing truly had truly started to begin. I tried to do it on my own. I felt alone in the journey. It wasn't really a journey when I was doing it alone. It was more like a heavy burden that I couldn't get away from nor could I step up to in order to pass. I am not sure if it was fear of forgetting them or fear of the actual emotions that I was going to have to deal with, but I certainly didn't think I could handle this season of grief on my own. I was right. I needed to get out of my own way in order to be healed. I am not fully healed by any means, but I am open to the possibility and not afraid of forgetting my sister or my mom. They meant so much and still mean so much in my life that I will never forget them, I just will be able to function again.
Go Forward with God - Day 33
Go Forward with God
Day 33
When it's hard to look forward and it's painful to look back, you need a new perspective, a new focus. Look to the Father and keep your eyes on Him. Every time your thoughts drift away from Him, repeat these words, "Focused on You, Jesus. Focused on You."
If you keep yourself centered in God, you will be able to move forward again. Cindy offers a suggestion from her own experience. She says, "What is at the center of your life? Just for an hour or two hours, put God at the center of your life and see what happens. I think you'll start feeling that you're going to be okay, that you can trust God, and that you can do the things you need to do."
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day ...So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal" (2 Corinthians 4:16, 18).
Thank you, God, that I don't have to strive in my journey, because You have already provided the grace I need to make it. Amen.
~ I am so blessed that this is where I am in my journey now. It is a new and an exciting place to be. I am walking forward and trying to process things daily so that I progress. It takes dedication and determination to keep the faith and continue to walk the path. I am a work in progress, but so thankful to have the Word to help me along the way.
You Can't Stay Here - Day 32
You Can't Stay Here
Day 32
The journey of grief is one that you must ultimately decide to complete. You cannot remain where you are right now. Time moves forward, and so you must.
"You can't stay here because God's Word is always going forward," says Dr. Ray Pritchard.
In Philippians 3:14 Paul says that he moved forward toward "the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" (NASB). The Christian Life is not static. It is a walk with God that moves you forward into a larger life with God.
The Lord's plan for your life is pure and simple during this time of grief: "He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" (Micah 6:8 NASB).
Lord, may I simply walk with You. Take my hand and guide me through every moment of this day. Amen.
~ Today's prayer is right on time. I decided in November of 2012 that I didn't want to stay in grief anymore. I missed my mom and sister, but that I was ready for the hurt to not be so intense and for my heart to be filled with joy and laughter again. I wanted to be able to smile and not feel guilty about it. I will never forget them and I will remember them lovingly. I just also want to be able to function again. I want to be able to love again. Mostly, I want the conversations that I was having with God before their deaths to be renewed and restored. I desire a relationship with God. In saying it out loud and taking the steps to get to know Him on another level, I hope I am pleasing Him and welcoming His blessings.
You Cannot Go Back - Day 31
You Cannot Go Back
Day 31
Remember the good times; cherish the memories, but live each day moving forward. Focus your thoughts on what is before you and how you are going to get there.
"I often tell people that there are three stages you need to think about: You can't go back. You can't stay here. You must go forward," says Dr. Ray Pritchard. "There may be some good things in the past that you wish you could go back to, but in the end you have to let those go."
God's Word speaks to you clearly: "I have set before you life ... now choose life" (Deuteronomy 30:19).
Yes, Lord, I do choose life. Amen.
~ Yes, I do. It has taken me two years to get to the point where I am remembering the good times more than having flashbacks of the days of the deaths. It took a while to get here, but I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I haven't even reached the middle of the tunnel, so I know I have a ways to go, but at least I know that I am not in this place alone and I am finding peace along the way with the help of grief class, grief emails and the people who have entered and exited my life.
Day 31
Remember the good times; cherish the memories, but live each day moving forward. Focus your thoughts on what is before you and how you are going to get there.
"I often tell people that there are three stages you need to think about: You can't go back. You can't stay here. You must go forward," says Dr. Ray Pritchard. "There may be some good things in the past that you wish you could go back to, but in the end you have to let those go."
God's Word speaks to you clearly: "I have set before you life ... now choose life" (Deuteronomy 30:19).
Yes, Lord, I do choose life. Amen.
~ Yes, I do. It has taken me two years to get to the point where I am remembering the good times more than having flashbacks of the days of the deaths. It took a while to get here, but I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I haven't even reached the middle of the tunnel, so I know I have a ways to go, but at least I know that I am not in this place alone and I am finding peace along the way with the help of grief class, grief emails and the people who have entered and exited my life.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Special Days Trigger Grief - Day 30
Special Days Trigger Grief
Day 30
Special days -- anniversaries, holidays, birthdays -- can act as emotional land mines. The emotions you feel on those days can be as intense or even more intense than the emotions you felt at first.
Dr. Tim Clinton observes, "Too many people are unaware or under aware of the normal grieving process. For example ... anniversary dates, birthdays, holidays and things like that can evoke a lot of anger. When this happens, people feel like there's something wrong with them or they're not very strong."
These feelings are normal. Knowing this, prepare yourself ahead of time for those special days. Read the Bible to draw strength and comfort from it. Plan a quiet day with close friends or family members who will surround you with love. Remember, when you are discouraged and at a low point relating to your loss, the only remedy is to look to the Father.
"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God. My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you" (Psalm 42:5-6).
Lord, I look to You when I am struck down again by grief. I will depend on You, and I will praise You; for though I am struck down, I am not destroyed. Amen.
~I just went through this last week with the anniversary of the death of my sister. I was so anxious leading up to it and then on the day, I was cool as a cucumber. I think I just built it up to be more than it was. I knew what I wanted to accomplish on that day and I made sure that I didn't just lay in the bed all day and be miserable or sorrowful. I spent the morning at the cemetery planting flowers and greenery and then the afternoon with a friend for lunch. I finished up my day at the gym with a new trainer. So, the day was a success in that I honored the memory of my sister and the day she left his earth, but I also took the time to do for my soul and my body. It was important that I didn't just be sad on that day and didn't just cry all day. It is sad that she isn't here. There isn't one day that goes by that I don't wish she was still here and I don't miss her voice. I miss her laugh and her sense of humor. I can barely still hear her voice in my head and that makes me sad because I miss that. Mostly, I am just so glad that as I am progressing that I am able to have these days and make it through them without them overwhelming me.
This was my first year being off depression medicine and dealing with the loss anniversary. I have my mother's death anniversary in April, but that too will be a day that I take to do good things. I will make sure that I honor her memory and keep moving forward.
Day 30
Special days -- anniversaries, holidays, birthdays -- can act as emotional land mines. The emotions you feel on those days can be as intense or even more intense than the emotions you felt at first.
Dr. Tim Clinton observes, "Too many people are unaware or under aware of the normal grieving process. For example ... anniversary dates, birthdays, holidays and things like that can evoke a lot of anger. When this happens, people feel like there's something wrong with them or they're not very strong."
These feelings are normal. Knowing this, prepare yourself ahead of time for those special days. Read the Bible to draw strength and comfort from it. Plan a quiet day with close friends or family members who will surround you with love. Remember, when you are discouraged and at a low point relating to your loss, the only remedy is to look to the Father.
"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God. My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you" (Psalm 42:5-6).
Lord, I look to You when I am struck down again by grief. I will depend on You, and I will praise You; for though I am struck down, I am not destroyed. Amen.
~I just went through this last week with the anniversary of the death of my sister. I was so anxious leading up to it and then on the day, I was cool as a cucumber. I think I just built it up to be more than it was. I knew what I wanted to accomplish on that day and I made sure that I didn't just lay in the bed all day and be miserable or sorrowful. I spent the morning at the cemetery planting flowers and greenery and then the afternoon with a friend for lunch. I finished up my day at the gym with a new trainer. So, the day was a success in that I honored the memory of my sister and the day she left his earth, but I also took the time to do for my soul and my body. It was important that I didn't just be sad on that day and didn't just cry all day. It is sad that she isn't here. There isn't one day that goes by that I don't wish she was still here and I don't miss her voice. I miss her laugh and her sense of humor. I can barely still hear her voice in my head and that makes me sad because I miss that. Mostly, I am just so glad that as I am progressing that I am able to have these days and make it through them without them overwhelming me.
This was my first year being off depression medicine and dealing with the loss anniversary. I have my mother's death anniversary in April, but that too will be a day that I take to do good things. I will make sure that I honor her memory and keep moving forward.
Grief Can Feel Unending - Day 29
Grief Can Feel Unending
Day 29
You feel as though you've been in this pit, this dark tunnel, on this roller-coaster ride, far too long. Will this grief never end?
"There is no microwave healing. There's no way you can just zap it, and you're better. God's healing takes time, but morning will come," says Barbara Johnson.
What signs of daybreak do you see in your life? If you are walking blindly in the darkness of despair, look to the God of light to show you the way.
"Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning" (Psalm 30:5).
Lord Jesus, sometimes I feel like my grief will never end. Show me patches of sunlight in my life today that will spur me on with a healing hope. Amen.
~ I can testify that the dark tunnel does have light at the end. I am not to the end of the tunnel or maybe even to the middle of it, but I certainly know that they hardest part was entering that tunnel to begin with. I am not sure if it is because we fear what we don't know, but knowing how to work through the grief has helped make the unknown more tolerable. I don't know what tomorrow will bring since tomorrow isn't promised, but I know that I have found my way back to the path that leads to the Lord and so I am in a better place than I was before. That is a small blessing, but a blessing none the less.
I just keep hearing "if He brings you to it, He will bring you through it" .. I think I am starting to believe it. Precious!
Day 29
You feel as though you've been in this pit, this dark tunnel, on this roller-coaster ride, far too long. Will this grief never end?
"There is no microwave healing. There's no way you can just zap it, and you're better. God's healing takes time, but morning will come," says Barbara Johnson.
What signs of daybreak do you see in your life? If you are walking blindly in the darkness of despair, look to the God of light to show you the way.
"Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning" (Psalm 30:5).
Lord Jesus, sometimes I feel like my grief will never end. Show me patches of sunlight in my life today that will spur me on with a healing hope. Amen.
~ I can testify that the dark tunnel does have light at the end. I am not to the end of the tunnel or maybe even to the middle of it, but I certainly know that they hardest part was entering that tunnel to begin with. I am not sure if it is because we fear what we don't know, but knowing how to work through the grief has helped make the unknown more tolerable. I don't know what tomorrow will bring since tomorrow isn't promised, but I know that I have found my way back to the path that leads to the Lord and so I am in a better place than I was before. That is a small blessing, but a blessing none the less.
I just keep hearing "if He brings you to it, He will bring you through it" .. I think I am starting to believe it. Precious!
Grief Can Ambush - Day 28
Grief Can Ambush
Day 28
No matter how long it has been, you still carry a portion of your grief with you. Emotions you already dealt with come flooding back at the most unexpected times. Grief's timing is not your timing.
Elisabeth Elliot says, "One day after my husband died, I was in the grocery store picking up the things that I needed, throwing them into my basket, and suddenly I found myself absolutely shaking with sobs. Fortunately, there was no one else in that particular aisle. I couldn't explain it. Grief does strange things to you at times."
But God holds the master plan for your life. He is never surprised. Although you cannot know the details of the plan, you can know and walk with the Master Planner.
"I trust in you, O LORD; I say, 'You are my God.' My times are in your hands; deliver me from my enemies and from those who pursue me" (Psalm 31:14-15).
God, I do not understand what is going on with me, but I trust that You do. Amen
~ Ambush. It is a word that I didn't recognize until I started grief share. I have experienced many ambushes, but never put a name to it. I think that now that I am moving forward in my healing that I am better equipped to handle those ambush moments. There will be songs that remind me of my mom and sister that will play on the radio. I don't want to forget them, I just need to be able to hear the songs and not cry because they remind me of them. I hear someone say something that my sister would say and I want to be happy about it not start to cry because she isn't here. It is just an acknowledgement of how far I have come and how far I still need to go in my journey.
Day 28
No matter how long it has been, you still carry a portion of your grief with you. Emotions you already dealt with come flooding back at the most unexpected times. Grief's timing is not your timing.
Elisabeth Elliot says, "One day after my husband died, I was in the grocery store picking up the things that I needed, throwing them into my basket, and suddenly I found myself absolutely shaking with sobs. Fortunately, there was no one else in that particular aisle. I couldn't explain it. Grief does strange things to you at times."
But God holds the master plan for your life. He is never surprised. Although you cannot know the details of the plan, you can know and walk with the Master Planner.
"I trust in you, O LORD; I say, 'You are my God.' My times are in your hands; deliver me from my enemies and from those who pursue me" (Psalm 31:14-15).
God, I do not understand what is going on with me, but I trust that You do. Amen
~ Ambush. It is a word that I didn't recognize until I started grief share. I have experienced many ambushes, but never put a name to it. I think that now that I am moving forward in my healing that I am better equipped to handle those ambush moments. There will be songs that remind me of my mom and sister that will play on the radio. I don't want to forget them, I just need to be able to hear the songs and not cry because they remind me of them. I hear someone say something that my sister would say and I want to be happy about it not start to cry because she isn't here. It is just an acknowledgement of how far I have come and how far I still need to go in my journey.
Healing - Day 27
Healing
Day 27
"Just give it time," people say. That is misleading. Time alone will not heal your grief.
"I knew about the process and steps of grief recovery. But still, it felt like the weight of grief on my shoulders would never be lifted," says Dr. Ray Pritchard. "It's okay to feel that way. But know it won't last forever.
"Your feelings at this point aren't the crucial issue. What is important is that you choose to stay close to the Lord and not turn away from Him. If you walk with God as He walks with you, one day you will wake up and say, "It's a little bit better.'"
God is the source of all healing. Make the decision to remain close to Him despite your emotional struggles.
"I am the LORD, who heals you" (Exodus 15:26).
Jehovah Rapha, healing God, You are my healer, and I choose to walk with You. Amen.
~ Again, what comes to mind is "time doesn't heal all wounds" which I have heard several times in the grief share videos and in our workbook.
I think the thing I missed most in my losses was that I felt like I turned my back on God. I didn't purposefully go out and become best friends with the devil, but I certainly stopped the friendly conversations with Him. I would still pray at night and teach my child to pray over his food and at bedtime, but I wasn't praying like I was before. I haven't ever really been a kneel down and say lengthy prayers kind of girl, but I think this comes from the fact that I didn't really have my own bed to kneel to until I was 13. I didn't have a role model of how to pray or know what to pray for in any sense. I can't say that know the words now. I have on more than one occasion said that I just don't know what to say to God. I was told this "When you can't find the words, just open the Bible to the book of Psalms and just read. Something will pop out at you and touch you the way you are seeking and it will give you something to hold on to." Those words have stuck with me.
I may have not stayed with the Lord, but I have found my way back to the path to Him and that is all that really matters.
Day 27
"Just give it time," people say. That is misleading. Time alone will not heal your grief.
"I knew about the process and steps of grief recovery. But still, it felt like the weight of grief on my shoulders would never be lifted," says Dr. Ray Pritchard. "It's okay to feel that way. But know it won't last forever.
"Your feelings at this point aren't the crucial issue. What is important is that you choose to stay close to the Lord and not turn away from Him. If you walk with God as He walks with you, one day you will wake up and say, "It's a little bit better.'"
God is the source of all healing. Make the decision to remain close to Him despite your emotional struggles.
"I am the LORD, who heals you" (Exodus 15:26).
Jehovah Rapha, healing God, You are my healer, and I choose to walk with You. Amen.
~ Again, what comes to mind is "time doesn't heal all wounds" which I have heard several times in the grief share videos and in our workbook.
I think the thing I missed most in my losses was that I felt like I turned my back on God. I didn't purposefully go out and become best friends with the devil, but I certainly stopped the friendly conversations with Him. I would still pray at night and teach my child to pray over his food and at bedtime, but I wasn't praying like I was before. I haven't ever really been a kneel down and say lengthy prayers kind of girl, but I think this comes from the fact that I didn't really have my own bed to kneel to until I was 13. I didn't have a role model of how to pray or know what to pray for in any sense. I can't say that know the words now. I have on more than one occasion said that I just don't know what to say to God. I was told this "When you can't find the words, just open the Bible to the book of Psalms and just read. Something will pop out at you and touch you the way you are seeking and it will give you something to hold on to." Those words have stuck with me.
I may have not stayed with the Lord, but I have found my way back to the path to Him and that is all that really matters.
Loss History - Day 26
Loss History
Day 26
Dr. H. Norman Wright recommends writing a "loss history" to help you identify and work through past losses. Take time to think of and list any losses you have experienced throughout the course of your life. Include an instances where you felt a sense of loss, no matter how unimportant the circumstances may seem now. Think of missed promotions, friends moving away, the deaths of pets, the ends of friendships, job losses, children leaving home, and lost opportunities.
After you have identified each loss, go down through the list and talk about each one (to God or to another person). Talk about how intense it was and how you felt at the time. Take your time doing this. You may need to plan a time each day or week to work through your list.
"If you find there's an emotional connection to some loss," says Dr. Wright, "then maybe you have not really processed it. Maybe it's still affecting your life in some way."
Dr. Wright suggests that you need to come to the point at which you can say of each loss, "Yes, that happened to me, but now I'm going on with my life," compared to "Boy, that happened to me, and it still hurts."
"Remember the days of old" (Deuteronomy 32:7)
God, I didn't realize how much my past losses were affecting me now. Use this exercise to help me recognize and come to terms with each loss on my list. Amen.
~This day's chore is one that isn't taken lightly and will take more thought and time to process and react. I will update when I have made a list and then written down reactions.
Day 26
Dr. H. Norman Wright recommends writing a "loss history" to help you identify and work through past losses. Take time to think of and list any losses you have experienced throughout the course of your life. Include an instances where you felt a sense of loss, no matter how unimportant the circumstances may seem now. Think of missed promotions, friends moving away, the deaths of pets, the ends of friendships, job losses, children leaving home, and lost opportunities.
After you have identified each loss, go down through the list and talk about each one (to God or to another person). Talk about how intense it was and how you felt at the time. Take your time doing this. You may need to plan a time each day or week to work through your list.
"If you find there's an emotional connection to some loss," says Dr. Wright, "then maybe you have not really processed it. Maybe it's still affecting your life in some way."
Dr. Wright suggests that you need to come to the point at which you can say of each loss, "Yes, that happened to me, but now I'm going on with my life," compared to "Boy, that happened to me, and it still hurts."
"Remember the days of old" (Deuteronomy 32:7)
God, I didn't realize how much my past losses were affecting me now. Use this exercise to help me recognize and come to terms with each loss on my list. Amen.
~This day's chore is one that isn't taken lightly and will take more thought and time to process and react. I will update when I have made a list and then written down reactions.
A Series of Losses - Day 25
A Series of Losses
Day 25
Life is a series of losses, and multiple losses will extend your grief journey. Past losses can include the deaths of loved ones and pets, job displacement, the loss of a home, and friends and family moving away. Less tangible losses include not being chosen for a particular project or committee and missing out on special events. If you have not dealt with these losses, you may have feelings of regret or sadness that will affect how you grieve your current loss.
"The old losses actually contaminate, intensify, and complicate this new loss," says Dr. H. Norman Wright.
Once you understand that you are experiencing multiple losses, you will be better prepared for the depth and the different facets of grief that may have been confusing at first. The Bible shows that understanding can lead to peace. Understanding your grieving process will help keep you moving forward and not backward. Be prepared to grieve all your losses on this journey.
"I [Jesus] have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world" (John 16:33).
You, almighty Lord, are my Overcomer. Equip me to face life's struggles while resting securely in Your victory and love. Amen.
~ This really hits home.
I grieved the loss of my Sophie. I grieved the loss of my Popo.
I have admitted that I have daddy issues, but I still have my father in my life.
I grieve the loss of my dad in my life as I was growing up. I always felt like I did something wrong or wasn't good enough and that is why my dad didn't want to come get me or didn't spend time with me. I can't explain nor do I understand his actions when I was younger, but he is making marked efforts to stay a part of my adult life and be a part of my child's life. It is a blessing.
I think that since I didn't grieve that loss until recently, that it made the loss of the idea of a father for my child even worse a pill to swallow. I felt like I was just repeating the cycle when Anthony didn't step up and be the father to Justice that I thought he should be. Now, yes I know I have an ideal of what a father should be, and it is what my father was not. So I mourn the loss of that ideal for my son. Justice doesn't really know the difference as of right now, but one day he will and it will be another thing that I will have to deal with. I just can't deal with it until that day because otherwise I am once again dwelling on something that I cannot change and this the cycle of insanity would continue.
I mourn the loss of the grandmother for my son and the aunt for my son. I mourn that bond that I had with my sister and my mom. I mourn being able to be in sports because of my weight which was brought on by my emotional eating which stems from being neglected or abandoned by my father when I was young and then by my mother finding comfort in the arms of another man and her children being left in the care of family while she lived her young adult life since she had her first child at 16 and her second at 21 and then was divorcing by 22. It really sucks that I was dealt this hand, but from my understanding of things, I chose this life that was set before me. I don't know what any sane person would choose the struggles and the pain that I have had to endure, but I am sure there are lessons to be had through this.
I mourn the loss of my stepfather in my life, my sister's life and my son's life on a daily basis. He made my son so happy and it is sad that he chose to leave when he did and like he did and that he has decided not to be a part of our lives.
I mourn the loss of the house and sense of security I had when we were in that house as a family unit. I think it all just falls back on feeling abandoned. Then turning around and losing the very foundation on which we were living.
Day 25
Life is a series of losses, and multiple losses will extend your grief journey. Past losses can include the deaths of loved ones and pets, job displacement, the loss of a home, and friends and family moving away. Less tangible losses include not being chosen for a particular project or committee and missing out on special events. If you have not dealt with these losses, you may have feelings of regret or sadness that will affect how you grieve your current loss.
"The old losses actually contaminate, intensify, and complicate this new loss," says Dr. H. Norman Wright.
Once you understand that you are experiencing multiple losses, you will be better prepared for the depth and the different facets of grief that may have been confusing at first. The Bible shows that understanding can lead to peace. Understanding your grieving process will help keep you moving forward and not backward. Be prepared to grieve all your losses on this journey.
"I [Jesus] have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world" (John 16:33).
You, almighty Lord, are my Overcomer. Equip me to face life's struggles while resting securely in Your victory and love. Amen.
~ This really hits home.
I grieved the loss of my Sophie. I grieved the loss of my Popo.
I have admitted that I have daddy issues, but I still have my father in my life.
I grieve the loss of my dad in my life as I was growing up. I always felt like I did something wrong or wasn't good enough and that is why my dad didn't want to come get me or didn't spend time with me. I can't explain nor do I understand his actions when I was younger, but he is making marked efforts to stay a part of my adult life and be a part of my child's life. It is a blessing.
I think that since I didn't grieve that loss until recently, that it made the loss of the idea of a father for my child even worse a pill to swallow. I felt like I was just repeating the cycle when Anthony didn't step up and be the father to Justice that I thought he should be. Now, yes I know I have an ideal of what a father should be, and it is what my father was not. So I mourn the loss of that ideal for my son. Justice doesn't really know the difference as of right now, but one day he will and it will be another thing that I will have to deal with. I just can't deal with it until that day because otherwise I am once again dwelling on something that I cannot change and this the cycle of insanity would continue.
I mourn the loss of the grandmother for my son and the aunt for my son. I mourn that bond that I had with my sister and my mom. I mourn being able to be in sports because of my weight which was brought on by my emotional eating which stems from being neglected or abandoned by my father when I was young and then by my mother finding comfort in the arms of another man and her children being left in the care of family while she lived her young adult life since she had her first child at 16 and her second at 21 and then was divorcing by 22. It really sucks that I was dealt this hand, but from my understanding of things, I chose this life that was set before me. I don't know what any sane person would choose the struggles and the pain that I have had to endure, but I am sure there are lessons to be had through this.
I mourn the loss of my stepfather in my life, my sister's life and my son's life on a daily basis. He made my son so happy and it is sad that he chose to leave when he did and like he did and that he has decided not to be a part of our lives.
I mourn the loss of the house and sense of security I had when we were in that house as a family unit. I think it all just falls back on feeling abandoned. Then turning around and losing the very foundation on which we were living.
Uncontrollable Emotions - Day 24
Uncontrollable Emotions
Day 24
Fear, depression, anger, loneliness, despair -- these emotions come and go with dizzying unpredictability. Your life is like a roller-coaster ride that you can't get off.
Stay on the ride. You cannot hurry the grieving process. Each time one of these emotions comes flooding back, it is a sign that you are recovering.
"All the feelings, thoughts, and emotions rush back into my life. It's uncontrollable," says Dr. Norman Peart.
But God is always in control. He is a solid rock, unmoving and unchanging. Build your life's foundation on Him.
"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock" (Matthew 7:24-25).
Lord, I am hanging on for the endurance of the ride. You are a constant presence through my ups and downs. Amen.
~I think something that is helpful to do is to acknowledge the emotions. I mean like I was angry A LOT! I saw that I was always yelling. I was angry about a parking spot. I was angry because we were running late. I was angry because of the actions of another. All uncontrollable actions that lead to my controllable reaction. It wasn't until I was in grief share class and we were handed a paper with about 30 emotions on it and were asked to circle any that we were feeling right then and I circled 21 emotions. I put an emphasis on my circle around anger. I didn't realize that my anger was anger built up from my grief. Being angry all the time is stressful and hurtful. It hurts others as well. I heard more than once Justice ask me why I was yelling or why I was raising my voice at him. I would answer "because you aren't listening to me" but my patience was short because my anger was deep. My patience was dependent on my other emotions being in check. Hardly the way I want my child to react to me. I don't want my child to fear my voice or me for that matter. And certainly not when I didn't realize that I was acting or reacting in a certain manner. My first step in moving forward in my healing was to acknowledge that I was angry. Give that anger its name and then figure out how to deal with the emotions that were clinging to that anger so that I could then redirect the other emotions and stop being angry. Today, I am a different person than I was just two weeks ago because I said out loud that I was angry at God. That I had anger in me and that I was angry more often than not. Now I don't have that holding me down or back for that matter and I am a happier person even while I am still in the beginning stages of my grief journey.
Day 24
Fear, depression, anger, loneliness, despair -- these emotions come and go with dizzying unpredictability. Your life is like a roller-coaster ride that you can't get off.
Stay on the ride. You cannot hurry the grieving process. Each time one of these emotions comes flooding back, it is a sign that you are recovering.
"All the feelings, thoughts, and emotions rush back into my life. It's uncontrollable," says Dr. Norman Peart.
But God is always in control. He is a solid rock, unmoving and unchanging. Build your life's foundation on Him.
"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock" (Matthew 7:24-25).
Lord, I am hanging on for the endurance of the ride. You are a constant presence through my ups and downs. Amen.
~I think something that is helpful to do is to acknowledge the emotions. I mean like I was angry A LOT! I saw that I was always yelling. I was angry about a parking spot. I was angry because we were running late. I was angry because of the actions of another. All uncontrollable actions that lead to my controllable reaction. It wasn't until I was in grief share class and we were handed a paper with about 30 emotions on it and were asked to circle any that we were feeling right then and I circled 21 emotions. I put an emphasis on my circle around anger. I didn't realize that my anger was anger built up from my grief. Being angry all the time is stressful and hurtful. It hurts others as well. I heard more than once Justice ask me why I was yelling or why I was raising my voice at him. I would answer "because you aren't listening to me" but my patience was short because my anger was deep. My patience was dependent on my other emotions being in check. Hardly the way I want my child to react to me. I don't want my child to fear my voice or me for that matter. And certainly not when I didn't realize that I was acting or reacting in a certain manner. My first step in moving forward in my healing was to acknowledge that I was angry. Give that anger its name and then figure out how to deal with the emotions that were clinging to that anger so that I could then redirect the other emotions and stop being angry. Today, I am a different person than I was just two weeks ago because I said out loud that I was angry at God. That I had anger in me and that I was angry more often than not. Now I don't have that holding me down or back for that matter and I am a happier person even while I am still in the beginning stages of my grief journey.
Rock Bottom - Day 23
Rock Bottom
Day 23
Your visitors have left and gone home. The house is quiet. The adrenaline that you've been living on has stopped.
According to Dr. E. V. Hill, "Initially, you can expect great strength to do what you have to do. But then you can expect great sorrow. It will start coming in when the phones are no longer ringing and the people are no longer visiting.
"Then you can expect the visit of the devil. He is a booger. He knows when to come and what to say to make you feel even worse."
When your emotions have hit rock bottom, there is only one path to travel, and that is the path to God.
"Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you, I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you" (Isaiah 46:4).
Lord, in my weakness and the failing of my limbs, lift me into the palm of Your everlasting hand. You alone are my strength and my champion. Amen.
~ I hit this rock bottom a long time ago. The phone stopped ringing and people stopped coming over after I moved. It suddenly was like they were afraid to ask me how I was doing or how Justice was doing. It was as if it was Pandora's box and there was fear of what things might come out of my mouth. I have never felt as alone as when my friends and family stopped coming around and stopped calling. My cousin made me and my mom some meals when my sister died. No one made me meals when my mom died. No one was there to take care of me and Justice and Ashley. We had to fend for ourselves. We were in this house and there was no one else there. My world was upside down and I couldn't call my sister and talk to her about my mom because she too was gone. I couldn't go into the other room and have my mom rub my head and make me feel better like she used to when I was sick and I would tell her to rub my head. She would scratch my scalp and just pat my hair. It was so warm and calming the sensation of my momma rubbing my hair. I do that for Justice now. It is a bond that we have and it was a bond that me and my momma had towards the end of her life. No matter how old you get, you will always at someone point want your momma.
I am glad that the path to travel has brought me to God and to my season of grief. I don't know that I would be in the same place I am if it weren't for finding my way back to some sense of church. My soul has missed it.
Day 23
Your visitors have left and gone home. The house is quiet. The adrenaline that you've been living on has stopped.
According to Dr. E. V. Hill, "Initially, you can expect great strength to do what you have to do. But then you can expect great sorrow. It will start coming in when the phones are no longer ringing and the people are no longer visiting.
"Then you can expect the visit of the devil. He is a booger. He knows when to come and what to say to make you feel even worse."
When your emotions have hit rock bottom, there is only one path to travel, and that is the path to God.
"Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you, I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you" (Isaiah 46:4).
Lord, in my weakness and the failing of my limbs, lift me into the palm of Your everlasting hand. You alone are my strength and my champion. Amen.
~ I hit this rock bottom a long time ago. The phone stopped ringing and people stopped coming over after I moved. It suddenly was like they were afraid to ask me how I was doing or how Justice was doing. It was as if it was Pandora's box and there was fear of what things might come out of my mouth. I have never felt as alone as when my friends and family stopped coming around and stopped calling. My cousin made me and my mom some meals when my sister died. No one made me meals when my mom died. No one was there to take care of me and Justice and Ashley. We had to fend for ourselves. We were in this house and there was no one else there. My world was upside down and I couldn't call my sister and talk to her about my mom because she too was gone. I couldn't go into the other room and have my mom rub my head and make me feel better like she used to when I was sick and I would tell her to rub my head. She would scratch my scalp and just pat my hair. It was so warm and calming the sensation of my momma rubbing my hair. I do that for Justice now. It is a bond that we have and it was a bond that me and my momma had towards the end of her life. No matter how old you get, you will always at someone point want your momma.
I am glad that the path to travel has brought me to God and to my season of grief. I don't know that I would be in the same place I am if it weren't for finding my way back to some sense of church. My soul has missed it.
Don't Rush Me - Day 22
Don't Rush Me
Day 22
Sometimes other people try to help you get out of your grief by offering advice or "constructive criticism." They may admonish you to "get over it" or to "get back into life." These comments can hurt.
Remember, you have an insight into the grieving process that these people do not have. You know that the length of the grieving process is different for each person. You know you have to let the grieving process take place, because if try and rush it, you will only prolong the healing.
"So many people will say: 'Well, it's been six months. Don't you think you should be over it by now?' But for each person it's different, and to say those things is very hurtful because maybe that person isn't ready," says Emy, a widow.
You cannot rely on other people to say the right words and provide the right comfort, but you can rely on God.
Job's "friends" condemned him and did not understand his grief. "Then Job replied: 'I have heard many things like these; miserable comforters are you all!'" (Job 16:1-2).
Father God, I know that my friends and family mean well, but they just don't understand that I am not there yet. Help me to know when I am.
Holy Spirit, You are my Comforter. In You alone will I find refuge. Amen.
~ Too many times did I hear that I needed to move on. Too many times did I hear "they would want you to be happy" as if I was being miserable to keep their memory alive. Misery doesn't love company. Not in my world. I didn't want other people to feel what I was feeling. I didn't want other people to try and fix me. I just wanted someone who would listen or give me a hug. Just listen and not even talk back. Just let me vent and know that what I am saying I am saying from a place of true hurt and emotions. It takes a special person to be that person. I have one person that I can talk to and well, I also have my sister at the cemetery. I can go there and vent and cry and say the things that I would otherwise keep to myself for fear of repercussion. I shouldn't fear the responses of others based on my world of hurt and my grief journey. I can't expect that any one person would know my hurt or be able to heal it. I can just know that when the process, the journey is over, I will be in a better place and be able to help others because I would have succeeded in going through it and be more empathetic towards others. I already feel like I am on a mission to better myself so that I can help others. I don't know my life's purpose still, but I feel like I was put here to help others. Maybe this is where I am to help others. I don't know God's plan, but I know that I am on this path and in this journey for a reason and He will bring me through it since He brought me to it.
Day 22
Sometimes other people try to help you get out of your grief by offering advice or "constructive criticism." They may admonish you to "get over it" or to "get back into life." These comments can hurt.
Remember, you have an insight into the grieving process that these people do not have. You know that the length of the grieving process is different for each person. You know you have to let the grieving process take place, because if try and rush it, you will only prolong the healing.
"So many people will say: 'Well, it's been six months. Don't you think you should be over it by now?' But for each person it's different, and to say those things is very hurtful because maybe that person isn't ready," says Emy, a widow.
You cannot rely on other people to say the right words and provide the right comfort, but you can rely on God.
Job's "friends" condemned him and did not understand his grief. "Then Job replied: 'I have heard many things like these; miserable comforters are you all!'" (Job 16:1-2).
Father God, I know that my friends and family mean well, but they just don't understand that I am not there yet. Help me to know when I am.
Holy Spirit, You are my Comforter. In You alone will I find refuge. Amen.
~ Too many times did I hear that I needed to move on. Too many times did I hear "they would want you to be happy" as if I was being miserable to keep their memory alive. Misery doesn't love company. Not in my world. I didn't want other people to feel what I was feeling. I didn't want other people to try and fix me. I just wanted someone who would listen or give me a hug. Just listen and not even talk back. Just let me vent and know that what I am saying I am saying from a place of true hurt and emotions. It takes a special person to be that person. I have one person that I can talk to and well, I also have my sister at the cemetery. I can go there and vent and cry and say the things that I would otherwise keep to myself for fear of repercussion. I shouldn't fear the responses of others based on my world of hurt and my grief journey. I can't expect that any one person would know my hurt or be able to heal it. I can just know that when the process, the journey is over, I will be in a better place and be able to help others because I would have succeeded in going through it and be more empathetic towards others. I already feel like I am on a mission to better myself so that I can help others. I don't know my life's purpose still, but I feel like I was put here to help others. Maybe this is where I am to help others. I don't know God's plan, but I know that I am on this path and in this journey for a reason and He will bring me through it since He brought me to it.
Grief Cannot Be Rushed - Day 21
Grief Cannot Be Rushed
Day 21
Your journey through grief cannot be compared to another person's journey. You will grieve in your way and in your time. Grief does not have a set time limit. The only certainty is that it will take longer than you want it to.
"It's a process that cannot be rushed," says Dr. Robert Jeffress. "As a pastor who has dealt with hundreds and hundreds of people who have gone through a loss, I can tell you that it is a process, and it is a longer process than any of us want to believe.
"Going through grief is like going through a tunnel. The bad news is the tunnel is dark. The good news is that once you enter into that tunnel, you are already on your way out."
Your journey is your own, but you are not alone. Do not be afraid to cry out to God,
"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" (Psalm 13:2).
How long, Lord, how long? This tunnel is so dark. Show me Your light. Amen.
~ For a long time I couldn't understand how my family could just go on with their lives and not feel the same hurt that I did with the losses. The answer is that they had a different relationship with my sister and my mother than I did. Our bonds were different. To lose someone close to you isn't the same to lose someone you didn't really talk to on a daily basis or see daily. I long waited the day that they would understand that I needed to be sad and grieve. I needed it to be okay that I was still hurting and still missing them. I knew they weren't coming back and I knew my mom was no longer hurting. That didn't make not having her here any more easy. It feels refreshing to know that what I am feeling is normal and that I am not some weirdo who gets off on holding on to the past. I don't really think that I am holding on to the past as much as I am just trying to remember my sister and my mom. I don't want to forget. I miss them so much that I don't want to forget the funny stuff either one of them would come up with. I want to remember and remind myself and tell stories to my son so that he will know that he was loved so much by them and they are still with him as his guardian angels.
Day 21
Your journey through grief cannot be compared to another person's journey. You will grieve in your way and in your time. Grief does not have a set time limit. The only certainty is that it will take longer than you want it to.
"It's a process that cannot be rushed," says Dr. Robert Jeffress. "As a pastor who has dealt with hundreds and hundreds of people who have gone through a loss, I can tell you that it is a process, and it is a longer process than any of us want to believe.
"Going through grief is like going through a tunnel. The bad news is the tunnel is dark. The good news is that once you enter into that tunnel, you are already on your way out."
Your journey is your own, but you are not alone. Do not be afraid to cry out to God,
"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" (Psalm 13:2).
How long, Lord, how long? This tunnel is so dark. Show me Your light. Amen.
~ For a long time I couldn't understand how my family could just go on with their lives and not feel the same hurt that I did with the losses. The answer is that they had a different relationship with my sister and my mother than I did. Our bonds were different. To lose someone close to you isn't the same to lose someone you didn't really talk to on a daily basis or see daily. I long waited the day that they would understand that I needed to be sad and grieve. I needed it to be okay that I was still hurting and still missing them. I knew they weren't coming back and I knew my mom was no longer hurting. That didn't make not having her here any more easy. It feels refreshing to know that what I am feeling is normal and that I am not some weirdo who gets off on holding on to the past. I don't really think that I am holding on to the past as much as I am just trying to remember my sister and my mom. I don't want to forget. I miss them so much that I don't want to forget the funny stuff either one of them would come up with. I want to remember and remind myself and tell stories to my son so that he will know that he was loved so much by them and they are still with him as his guardian angels.
Grief Is a Journey - Day 20
Grief Is a Journey
Day 20
If you want to heal from grief, you must go through it; you cannot go around it. The grieving process is a healing process. Do not look at healing as a goal you can only attain at the end of the process. Each step you take is part of your healing.
"Grief is a process that is better thought of as a journey," observes Dr. Tim Clinton. "It's just one foot in front of the other. It may seem that others have grieved very quickly, but those who have come through the process too fast have undone business in their lives."
Take a moment to try and identify where you are on your grief journey. If you have admitted you are grieving, then your journey has begun.
Rest assured that the God of all time, the First and the Last, the omniscient and omnipotent God, will be with you every step of the way, and He has already placed your healing in His plan.
"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path" (Psalm 119:105).
God, all I can do is put one foot in front of the other, but I know for sure that my journey has begun. Amen.
~ So poignant. I have heard on more than one occasion that you must go through grief and not around it. That is why they call it a process. You can't take short cuts or go around the situation or the feelings, because in the end you will just come right back to it and eventually will have to go through it in order to stop the repeating cycle of insanity that is the denial of grief and the grief process itself.
I have admitted that I am grieving so admittedly so my journey has begun and so has the healing. Baby steps but steps none the less in the right direction.
Day 20
If you want to heal from grief, you must go through it; you cannot go around it. The grieving process is a healing process. Do not look at healing as a goal you can only attain at the end of the process. Each step you take is part of your healing.
"Grief is a process that is better thought of as a journey," observes Dr. Tim Clinton. "It's just one foot in front of the other. It may seem that others have grieved very quickly, but those who have come through the process too fast have undone business in their lives."
Take a moment to try and identify where you are on your grief journey. If you have admitted you are grieving, then your journey has begun.
Rest assured that the God of all time, the First and the Last, the omniscient and omnipotent God, will be with you every step of the way, and He has already placed your healing in His plan.
"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path" (Psalm 119:105).
God, all I can do is put one foot in front of the other, but I know for sure that my journey has begun. Amen.
~ So poignant. I have heard on more than one occasion that you must go through grief and not around it. That is why they call it a process. You can't take short cuts or go around the situation or the feelings, because in the end you will just come right back to it and eventually will have to go through it in order to stop the repeating cycle of insanity that is the denial of grief and the grief process itself.
I have admitted that I am grieving so admittedly so my journey has begun and so has the healing. Baby steps but steps none the less in the right direction.
Embrace the Grieving Process - Day 19
Embrace the Grieving Process
Day 19
It is biblical to grieve. It is necessary to grieve. You must not suppress your heartache and sorrow.
"Weep freely; share your anguish, your deep concern, but always with the joyful assurance that Jesus is with you. The Prince of Peace is with you," said Dr. Bill Bright.
"There is nothing wrong with tears. You miss loved ones who have gone away. But you are not to weep as one who has no hope. Christians can still have joy even in the midst of sorrow. Everyone experiences tragedy, believers and nonbelievers alike. The difference is the believer has Christ in him."
At the graveside of his friend Lazarus, the Bible says that "Jesus wept" (John 11:35). He understands your tears.
Lord Jesus, You are my only hope. Teach me how to grieve. Amen.
~ THANK YOU. Just THANK YOU for today's message. Suppressing my heartache and sorrow only led to more spontaneous and hurtful outburst at inconvenient times. I would find myself sitting at my desk at work and just think of my sister or hear a song or look outside and see a butterfly and then I would cry. I am not sure if I was crying because I was reminded of the person or the death. I know I felt a sense of them being with me still when I would see two butterflies. It is really something to see one, but to see two at the same time, it was a beautiful thing and I took it as a sign from them that they are good and still with me. that is something that makes my heart not so heavy with hurt. I prayed to learn how to grieve. I got introduced to grief share. I asked for help through the process a little more readily available and I got daily emails from grief share. Ask and you shall receive. I just didn't know that I had received it until I stopped dwelling on what wasn't happening for me and started being grateful for what IS happening. Perspective.
Day 19
It is biblical to grieve. It is necessary to grieve. You must not suppress your heartache and sorrow.
"Weep freely; share your anguish, your deep concern, but always with the joyful assurance that Jesus is with you. The Prince of Peace is with you," said Dr. Bill Bright.
"There is nothing wrong with tears. You miss loved ones who have gone away. But you are not to weep as one who has no hope. Christians can still have joy even in the midst of sorrow. Everyone experiences tragedy, believers and nonbelievers alike. The difference is the believer has Christ in him."
At the graveside of his friend Lazarus, the Bible says that "Jesus wept" (John 11:35). He understands your tears.
Lord Jesus, You are my only hope. Teach me how to grieve. Amen.
~ THANK YOU. Just THANK YOU for today's message. Suppressing my heartache and sorrow only led to more spontaneous and hurtful outburst at inconvenient times. I would find myself sitting at my desk at work and just think of my sister or hear a song or look outside and see a butterfly and then I would cry. I am not sure if I was crying because I was reminded of the person or the death. I know I felt a sense of them being with me still when I would see two butterflies. It is really something to see one, but to see two at the same time, it was a beautiful thing and I took it as a sign from them that they are good and still with me. that is something that makes my heart not so heavy with hurt. I prayed to learn how to grieve. I got introduced to grief share. I asked for help through the process a little more readily available and I got daily emails from grief share. Ask and you shall receive. I just didn't know that I had received it until I stopped dwelling on what wasn't happening for me and started being grateful for what IS happening. Perspective.
A Time to Move Forward - Day 18
A Time to Move Forward
Day 18
Although living in denial may be necessary for a time, at some point you must make a decision to move beyond the denial. This does not mean you will stop grieving altogether, for your healing/grieving process has only just begun. But remember, if you spend too long denying your loss, you will be unable to move forward with life.
Dr. H. Norman Wright says, "You have to come to the place where you admit or recognize 'Yes, I've lost this person. [He or she] is no longer a part of my life.' When you hang on to that person, it's almost like a sense of denial. You remain stuck, and you can't move on with your life."
God will enable you to take the next step. He gently reminds you: "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven; a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot" (Ecclesiastes 3:1-2).
Holy God, is it time for me to move on from denial? Lead me, Lord. Amen.
~Thank you Lord for helping me to see that it was time to move forward. And today's message was right on the money. Just because I have decided and made the commitment to move forward and through the process of grief doesn't mean that I will altogether stop grieving. It will be a process. It will be a challenge; I have just decided that it is now time to face this challenge head on and move through it instead of trying to avoid it or deny it. I am so thankful that I am being lead by God and have been introduced to such wonderful people in my life. Blessings and love are coming my way again now that I am no longer staring at a closed door to my heart because of the hurt and pain of the losses.
Day 18
Although living in denial may be necessary for a time, at some point you must make a decision to move beyond the denial. This does not mean you will stop grieving altogether, for your healing/grieving process has only just begun. But remember, if you spend too long denying your loss, you will be unable to move forward with life.
Dr. H. Norman Wright says, "You have to come to the place where you admit or recognize 'Yes, I've lost this person. [He or she] is no longer a part of my life.' When you hang on to that person, it's almost like a sense of denial. You remain stuck, and you can't move on with your life."
God will enable you to take the next step. He gently reminds you: "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven; a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot" (Ecclesiastes 3:1-2).
Holy God, is it time for me to move on from denial? Lead me, Lord. Amen.
~Thank you Lord for helping me to see that it was time to move forward. And today's message was right on the money. Just because I have decided and made the commitment to move forward and through the process of grief doesn't mean that I will altogether stop grieving. It will be a process. It will be a challenge; I have just decided that it is now time to face this challenge head on and move through it instead of trying to avoid it or deny it. I am so thankful that I am being lead by God and have been introduced to such wonderful people in my life. Blessings and love are coming my way again now that I am no longer staring at a closed door to my heart because of the hurt and pain of the losses.
Denial - Day 17
Denial
Day 17
Are you living a bad dream? Is every step and every move you make automatic and devoid of emotion? Do you feel suspended in time and unable or unwilling to start up again?
Don't worry. You are experiencing a typical first reaction to grief -- denial. Denial is a natural reaction to one of life's most painful events. Your body uses denial as a protective devise, be it consciously or subconsciously, to avoid facing reality.
"The clock will mean nothing anymore," says Rev. John Coulombe. "Barely will the calendar. People won't know what day it is, yet their senses are more keenly aware than ever before. It's like a dream that is happening, and they can't get out of it. Everything is in slow motion. But this is normal; this is a response to death."
You must not feel guilty or anxious if you are experiencing denial; God offers you reassurance for this portion of the journey. You can say with confidence, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you [God} are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me" (Psalm 23:4).
Oh, Lord God, I am numb in the valley of the shadow of death, but I know You are holding me steady, and You won't ever let me go. Amen.
~ For two years, I was in this place. I felt like I was in a bad dream and I prayed to wake up and not be in the same place. I feel like under "normal" circumstances, losing my sister would have been a little more tolerable had I not then lost my mother. I had my very life changed so drastically all in less than a month. I felt like the rug had been pulled from under me and yet I just went through the motions. I didn't think about what I was going to do, I don't even remember my son's 2nd birthday. I remember having it at the Children's Museum, but I don't remember who all came and what not. It was a packed full house, but I can't remember. I don't even remember Christmas that year. It happened, I know it did because the world didn't stop just because my mom and sister died, but my world was so shaken to the core that I went numb. I lost Amber. I was just going through the motions and not really living. I had no joy other than my son. I found that I would cling to my son even stronger and even my younger sister. I felt a responsibility for her as well. Suddenly, I wasn't the middle child, I was the oldest and I wasn't just the sister, I was the mother figure. I was there to "raise" my sister since she was born when I was 12, but I felt it more of a burden since I didn't get my middle and high school years to go out and get in trouble. I now can see that as a blessing, but I did rebel because of it. Now, I worry about her and what she is doing and how she is getting to work. It is like I have two kids. I feel like I have let my sister down because I didn't step up and be more present in the lives of her children when she loved mine so very much. It makes me sad to think that way, so I try to think that I did all I could do which was just try to make sure that I could take care of myself and my child. I, as a single mother, couldn't take on the challenge of two more boys and my brother-in-law certainly seemed to be moving on since he moved a woman into the house less than two months after my sister died. That is his burden to bear and I can't carry that cross. I was angry and hurt, but it was his life. I can't tell someone else how to grieve or when to grieve when I am just learning the process myself and it is now 3 years since my sister and mom passed. So, who am I to judge or instruct. I just pray for understanding and for things to pan out.
Day 17
Are you living a bad dream? Is every step and every move you make automatic and devoid of emotion? Do you feel suspended in time and unable or unwilling to start up again?
Don't worry. You are experiencing a typical first reaction to grief -- denial. Denial is a natural reaction to one of life's most painful events. Your body uses denial as a protective devise, be it consciously or subconsciously, to avoid facing reality.
"The clock will mean nothing anymore," says Rev. John Coulombe. "Barely will the calendar. People won't know what day it is, yet their senses are more keenly aware than ever before. It's like a dream that is happening, and they can't get out of it. Everything is in slow motion. But this is normal; this is a response to death."
You must not feel guilty or anxious if you are experiencing denial; God offers you reassurance for this portion of the journey. You can say with confidence, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you [God} are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me" (Psalm 23:4).
Oh, Lord God, I am numb in the valley of the shadow of death, but I know You are holding me steady, and You won't ever let me go. Amen.
~ For two years, I was in this place. I felt like I was in a bad dream and I prayed to wake up and not be in the same place. I feel like under "normal" circumstances, losing my sister would have been a little more tolerable had I not then lost my mother. I had my very life changed so drastically all in less than a month. I felt like the rug had been pulled from under me and yet I just went through the motions. I didn't think about what I was going to do, I don't even remember my son's 2nd birthday. I remember having it at the Children's Museum, but I don't remember who all came and what not. It was a packed full house, but I can't remember. I don't even remember Christmas that year. It happened, I know it did because the world didn't stop just because my mom and sister died, but my world was so shaken to the core that I went numb. I lost Amber. I was just going through the motions and not really living. I had no joy other than my son. I found that I would cling to my son even stronger and even my younger sister. I felt a responsibility for her as well. Suddenly, I wasn't the middle child, I was the oldest and I wasn't just the sister, I was the mother figure. I was there to "raise" my sister since she was born when I was 12, but I felt it more of a burden since I didn't get my middle and high school years to go out and get in trouble. I now can see that as a blessing, but I did rebel because of it. Now, I worry about her and what she is doing and how she is getting to work. It is like I have two kids. I feel like I have let my sister down because I didn't step up and be more present in the lives of her children when she loved mine so very much. It makes me sad to think that way, so I try to think that I did all I could do which was just try to make sure that I could take care of myself and my child. I, as a single mother, couldn't take on the challenge of two more boys and my brother-in-law certainly seemed to be moving on since he moved a woman into the house less than two months after my sister died. That is his burden to bear and I can't carry that cross. I was angry and hurt, but it was his life. I can't tell someone else how to grieve or when to grieve when I am just learning the process myself and it is now 3 years since my sister and mom passed. So, who am I to judge or instruct. I just pray for understanding and for things to pan out.
Shock Day 16
Shock
Day 16
Shock is a sudden, violent disturbance to the body. The same term is used to describe the effect of an electric current passing through the body. You have likely encountered this paralyzing reaction in grief.
Dr. Norman Peart describes his feelings after the death of his grandmother: "The immediate feeling was that of shock and an awareness that I was not as in control of the worlds as I once thought. then it was a numbness, a realization that there's something missing from life now. There was also a great fear as to who could be taken next from my life."
Virgil, who lost his wife, says, "When you go to a funeral, you hear people say, 'Oh, he's holding up so well.' I don't think that's true. I think the person in grief doesn't know what's going on. That's the state I was in." Maybe you can relate to how Virgil felt.
When you are in shock and you feel powerless to cope and unable to think straight, understand that you don't have to at that moment. Yet because of this, it is wise not to make any major changes in your life or decide on any important issues until your shock has subsided.
God will gently lead to safety those who consciously turn to Him and are dependent on His guidance.
"The LORD will give strength to His people; the LORD will bless his people with peace" (Psalm 29:11 NASB).
O Lord, my feet have been swept out from under me, but in Your loving arms I am steady and secure. Amen.
~ I wish I had had the time to really get out of my shock before making some decisions. I was forced to find an apartment and move out of our house just two months after my mom died. It was not nearly long enough to be able to go through the things in the house. I gave away things that I might have otherwise kept. I miss having some of those things now. I can't live in regret over it, but accept it and move on from it. I understand now why they tell you not to make any rash decisions or life changing decisions just after you lose someone. I can't remember the memorial mass that we had for my mom. I just remember getting up and reading the poem that I read at my sister's funeral. I don't remember much of talking to people at my sister's funeral either. I don't remember who all I saw or talked to at her wake, but I remember being there. I was just putting something my drawer in my filing cabinet at work and I happened to look down and there was the obituary for my sister. It is a reminder, as if I didn't know, that she isn't here anymore. *tear* I miss her very essence and laughter. Lord give me strength. It is times like this that I want to withdraw and not continue on the path that I am on. I want to hermit crab back into a false reality where my new reality is but a nightmare and my mom and sister aren't gone. Today will NOT defeat me. This is what they call an "ambush" and it certainly was. I was just in the cabinet to get a protein shake because I am on liquids and I need something since I am hungry now. Yet, now that I have this rush of emotions, my hunger has left me. :( This will get easier. This mourning will turn to joy. I will smile again. I will feel happiness again. After all, it IS God's promise.
Day 16
Shock is a sudden, violent disturbance to the body. The same term is used to describe the effect of an electric current passing through the body. You have likely encountered this paralyzing reaction in grief.
Dr. Norman Peart describes his feelings after the death of his grandmother: "The immediate feeling was that of shock and an awareness that I was not as in control of the worlds as I once thought. then it was a numbness, a realization that there's something missing from life now. There was also a great fear as to who could be taken next from my life."
Virgil, who lost his wife, says, "When you go to a funeral, you hear people say, 'Oh, he's holding up so well.' I don't think that's true. I think the person in grief doesn't know what's going on. That's the state I was in." Maybe you can relate to how Virgil felt.
When you are in shock and you feel powerless to cope and unable to think straight, understand that you don't have to at that moment. Yet because of this, it is wise not to make any major changes in your life or decide on any important issues until your shock has subsided.
God will gently lead to safety those who consciously turn to Him and are dependent on His guidance.
"The LORD will give strength to His people; the LORD will bless his people with peace" (Psalm 29:11 NASB).
O Lord, my feet have been swept out from under me, but in Your loving arms I am steady and secure. Amen.
~ I wish I had had the time to really get out of my shock before making some decisions. I was forced to find an apartment and move out of our house just two months after my mom died. It was not nearly long enough to be able to go through the things in the house. I gave away things that I might have otherwise kept. I miss having some of those things now. I can't live in regret over it, but accept it and move on from it. I understand now why they tell you not to make any rash decisions or life changing decisions just after you lose someone. I can't remember the memorial mass that we had for my mom. I just remember getting up and reading the poem that I read at my sister's funeral. I don't remember much of talking to people at my sister's funeral either. I don't remember who all I saw or talked to at her wake, but I remember being there. I was just putting something my drawer in my filing cabinet at work and I happened to look down and there was the obituary for my sister. It is a reminder, as if I didn't know, that she isn't here anymore. *tear* I miss her very essence and laughter. Lord give me strength. It is times like this that I want to withdraw and not continue on the path that I am on. I want to hermit crab back into a false reality where my new reality is but a nightmare and my mom and sister aren't gone. Today will NOT defeat me. This is what they call an "ambush" and it certainly was. I was just in the cabinet to get a protein shake because I am on liquids and I need something since I am hungry now. Yet, now that I have this rush of emotions, my hunger has left me. :( This will get easier. This mourning will turn to joy. I will smile again. I will feel happiness again. After all, it IS God's promise.
Be Equipped for Recovery - Day 15
Be Equipped for Recovery
Day 15
If you want to be healed, make a commitment right now to begin the process of grieving. Take steps forward, even when you have to force yourself. These daily devotions introduce you to the tools you need for working through the process of grieving. We want you to be equipped for recovery.
You may feel you are not sure if you can even begin this journey. But be encouraged. Cindy Morgan says, "God takes you as you are. He accepts you, and then His love changes you. You are never beyond hope. Never."
First Peter 1:13 says, "Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed."
Jesus, it is only by Your grace that I can be healed. I commit my grieving process to You right now, and I promise to see this process through. Amen.
~I don't know where I was when this email was sent, but I didn't get it until I logged in today and resent it to myself. Figures the message would be so poignant and right on time. I made the commitment that I would work through these emails and write about what the day's messages meant to me. My opinions are just that ... my opinions and feelings on the topic and situation. I am in hopes that I will help others that seek out the help and honestly, I figured that someone else has got to be dealing with the same feelings and looking for understanding because this was me. I didn't find the answers I was looking for, but I did have a series of situations that lead me to end up where I am now. All blessings and all greatly appreciated. I am so thankful and blessed to have found grief share. It is with the love and support of these strangers that are becoming my extended family that I am able to speak what is on my heart and mind without judgement and then process it and move forward. When I lost my mom and sister and I went to therapy, I longed for a grief support group and didn't find it. I think that I might have been searching because I was feeling lonely and yearned to be able to talk about my feelings with people who wouldn't just tell me that I needed to move on already. I feel so blessed that the group that I found in the long run is also helping me with my faith. It is like I am finding my way back to the path to His Word and it feels so good.
Day 15
If you want to be healed, make a commitment right now to begin the process of grieving. Take steps forward, even when you have to force yourself. These daily devotions introduce you to the tools you need for working through the process of grieving. We want you to be equipped for recovery.
You may feel you are not sure if you can even begin this journey. But be encouraged. Cindy Morgan says, "God takes you as you are. He accepts you, and then His love changes you. You are never beyond hope. Never."
First Peter 1:13 says, "Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed."
Jesus, it is only by Your grace that I can be healed. I commit my grieving process to You right now, and I promise to see this process through. Amen.
~I don't know where I was when this email was sent, but I didn't get it until I logged in today and resent it to myself. Figures the message would be so poignant and right on time. I made the commitment that I would work through these emails and write about what the day's messages meant to me. My opinions are just that ... my opinions and feelings on the topic and situation. I am in hopes that I will help others that seek out the help and honestly, I figured that someone else has got to be dealing with the same feelings and looking for understanding because this was me. I didn't find the answers I was looking for, but I did have a series of situations that lead me to end up where I am now. All blessings and all greatly appreciated. I am so thankful and blessed to have found grief share. It is with the love and support of these strangers that are becoming my extended family that I am able to speak what is on my heart and mind without judgement and then process it and move forward. When I lost my mom and sister and I went to therapy, I longed for a grief support group and didn't find it. I think that I might have been searching because I was feeling lonely and yearned to be able to talk about my feelings with people who wouldn't just tell me that I needed to move on already. I feel so blessed that the group that I found in the long run is also helping me with my faith. It is like I am finding my way back to the path to His Word and it feels so good.
Joy Can Return - Day 14
Joy Can Return
Day 14
It does get better, you will experience joy again.
In her book A Passage Through Grief, Barbara Baumgardner writes, "They told me one day I would go twenty-four hours without thinking of my loss. I told them they were crazy."
"They weren't crazy; they were right. At first, I felt guilt, then elation." 1
God is the source of your hope and joy. Believe these words of Jesus in John 16: "I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy" (v. 20).
Jesus continued: "A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world.
"So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy" (vv. 21-22).
Lord, I cannot even remember what joy feels like, but I believe that someday You will turn my grief to joy, and no one will take that joy away from me. Amen.
1. Barbara Baumgardner, A Passage Through Grief (Nashville: Broadman and Holman Publishers, 1997), 95. Used by permission.
~ I long for that day when I can go 24 hrs without reliving, rehashing or questioning those times of my losses. A full day when joy replaces the pain of the mourning and a smile is my best feature. I am prayerful and hopeful. This is what I can do to await this time. It is promised in the bible that my mourning will turn to joy. So, as I truly start to believe it, so it shall be.
Day 14
It does get better, you will experience joy again.
In her book A Passage Through Grief, Barbara Baumgardner writes, "They told me one day I would go twenty-four hours without thinking of my loss. I told them they were crazy."
"They weren't crazy; they were right. At first, I felt guilt, then elation." 1
God is the source of your hope and joy. Believe these words of Jesus in John 16: "I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy" (v. 20).
Jesus continued: "A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world.
"So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy" (vv. 21-22).
Lord, I cannot even remember what joy feels like, but I believe that someday You will turn my grief to joy, and no one will take that joy away from me. Amen.
1. Barbara Baumgardner, A Passage Through Grief (Nashville: Broadman and Holman Publishers, 1997), 95. Used by permission.
~ I long for that day when I can go 24 hrs without reliving, rehashing or questioning those times of my losses. A full day when joy replaces the pain of the mourning and a smile is my best feature. I am prayerful and hopeful. This is what I can do to await this time. It is promised in the bible that my mourning will turn to joy. So, as I truly start to believe it, so it shall be.
Spiritual Breakthrough - Day 13
Spiritual Breakthrough
Day 13
Your weaknesses and inadequacies make themselves known to you again and again. You can't always count on other people, and you can't count on yourself. No human being can meet all your needs, especially your deepest needs.
"We are living in a broken world," states Barbara Johnson. "We see broken marriages, broken people, broken lives. There's never going to come a time when we've got it all together."
She continues, "As you go through grief, as you center your focus on what is ahead of you as a Christian, that helps you to know that what you're going through isn't going to last. You have to take a day at a time. Tomorrow may be different. Yesterday is a canceled check, tomorrow is a promissory note, but today is cash. You've got today to service the Lord."
You are at a point where you need to decide whom you will lean on, trust, and put your hope in. Now is the time to search God's Word and hold on to this lifeline. God will meet you where you are, at your point of pain. Seek Him, talk to Him, and learn about Him. He is the only way out of despair.
List to God's promise to you and claim it: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart'" (Jeremiah 29:11-13).
Lord God, I realize that I need to search the Bible and seek Your way with all the strength I've got left. Amen.
~ I feel like I am on this journey. On this path of sorts to seeking out the Bible and the Word of the Lord. I have never really gone to bible study or been able to recite scripture like some, but I feel in my heart and soul that one day the words will speak to me and I will really hear and feel them when the time is right. It is just up to me to continue on this path and be open to the receipt of His messages for me. This journey of grief has long been a solitary one even though I am not truly alone. It feels like no one really understands my hurt or why my heart and head can't let it go. My only explanation is that I so loved those two women that since I loved hard, I will grieve hard. It isn't that I want to be miserable or want to cry all the time, it is that my heart hurts and yearns for that joy that was there when those two women were in my every day. Now there is a void there. They were filling my cup every day and I have used up my reserves. Now, it is time to start filling my cup with the Lord and continue to learn and grow so that I can fill someone else's cup with love and joy. This is my heart's true desire.
Doubting Your Faith - Day 12
Doubting Your Faith
Day 12
"I was mad. I felt like the Lord was not there. I had prayed to hear from Him, and I didn't. It seemed as if He wasn't answering my prayers," says Phyllis, who lost her sister. "Emotionally and spiritually I expected something different. I knew that He was there, but I wasn't feeling emotionally like I wanted to feel."
You are not alone, and you are not wrong to have doubts.
David said in the Psalms, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?" (22:1).
Job had similar feelings: "Remember, O God, that my life is but a breath; my eyes will never see happiness again" (7:7). Job thought he would "never see happiness again," but when we read the end of the book of Job, we find that God had something very good in store for him.
God is faithful to do what He says He will do regardless of how you feel or what you believe.
Lord, I'm going to walk this journey by faith because what I feel and see sure isn't helping. Amen.
~ I can so relate to this. I have questioned many times. I have prayed and only hear silence in return. I think that when we are grasping for answers or expect something instantaneous that we find ourselves in doubt because things get done in divine time not our timing. It is definitely a hard pill to swallow and I hear the words that are coming from my heart and head right now, and just am in awe of the answers that come to me. I have been searching outside myself for answers and it seems that the answers were within me (well some of them anyway) and I just needed to have an outlet and the questions to bring those answers out of me. Thank God for the guidance and the want to write on here. I have been living with my emotions, thoughts, cares, concerns and doubts in my head and heart for so long that when I am writing it seems as if I am emptying the load off my shoulders and I feel a calm come over me. This is truly a blessing.
As far as doubting my faith, I think we all do to a certain degree when we are faced with the loss of a loved one. The loved one can even be our pet. My dog was my baby and when I had to put her to sleep when she was 9 years old, it was heart breaking and I didn't know if I could handle it. I certainly did and it was preparation for losses to come. While a pet certainly isn't a human, my Sophie was and will forever be my baby girl.
I am glad to read that "God is faithful to do what He says He will do regardless of how you feel or what you believe". This gives me a sense of hope since there have been times that I feel like I might have turned my back on God in my anger. I have admitted that I was angry with God for a while. It took me acknowledging it in order for me to see it for what it was and then be able to grow from that point.
Day 12
"I was mad. I felt like the Lord was not there. I had prayed to hear from Him, and I didn't. It seemed as if He wasn't answering my prayers," says Phyllis, who lost her sister. "Emotionally and spiritually I expected something different. I knew that He was there, but I wasn't feeling emotionally like I wanted to feel."
You are not alone, and you are not wrong to have doubts.
David said in the Psalms, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?" (22:1).
Job had similar feelings: "Remember, O God, that my life is but a breath; my eyes will never see happiness again" (7:7). Job thought he would "never see happiness again," but when we read the end of the book of Job, we find that God had something very good in store for him.
God is faithful to do what He says He will do regardless of how you feel or what you believe.
Lord, I'm going to walk this journey by faith because what I feel and see sure isn't helping. Amen.
~ I can so relate to this. I have questioned many times. I have prayed and only hear silence in return. I think that when we are grasping for answers or expect something instantaneous that we find ourselves in doubt because things get done in divine time not our timing. It is definitely a hard pill to swallow and I hear the words that are coming from my heart and head right now, and just am in awe of the answers that come to me. I have been searching outside myself for answers and it seems that the answers were within me (well some of them anyway) and I just needed to have an outlet and the questions to bring those answers out of me. Thank God for the guidance and the want to write on here. I have been living with my emotions, thoughts, cares, concerns and doubts in my head and heart for so long that when I am writing it seems as if I am emptying the load off my shoulders and I feel a calm come over me. This is truly a blessing.
As far as doubting my faith, I think we all do to a certain degree when we are faced with the loss of a loved one. The loved one can even be our pet. My dog was my baby and when I had to put her to sleep when she was 9 years old, it was heart breaking and I didn't know if I could handle it. I certainly did and it was preparation for losses to come. While a pet certainly isn't a human, my Sophie was and will forever be my baby girl.
I am glad to read that "God is faithful to do what He says He will do regardless of how you feel or what you believe". This gives me a sense of hope since there have been times that I feel like I might have turned my back on God in my anger. I have admitted that I was angry with God for a while. It took me acknowledging it in order for me to see it for what it was and then be able to grow from that point.
Losing a Part of Yourself - Day 11
Losing a Part of Yourself
Day 11
The loss of a close family member creates extra depth and complexity to your grief. you shared a special and intimate connection with your loved one, and this relationship helped you define who you were. Losing this person has literally ripped you apart on the inside, leaving you unsure of your own identity.
Dr. Jim Conway, speaking of the death of his wife, says, "When Sally died, it was as if someone took a giant samurai sword and just cut me right down the middle. I kept asking myself and God, 'How am I supposed to go on with one leg, with one arm, with half a brain? How am I supposed to do all of this?'"
There is hope for you. Your identity can be found again when you abide in the Lord Jesus Christ and place your faith in Him. This will not happen overnight, and the process may be very painful. But Jesus will certainly help you as you depend on Him.
"If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him" (1 John 4:15-16).
Lord Jesus, piece me back together again with Your unfailing love. Amen.
~ I think I can identify with this very thought. I suddenly didn't know what to do with myself once I wasn't being a caregiver to my mom and wasn't driving every day to Deer Park to take my son to my sister. I was lost. I still get a little anxious about the drive to that side of town because the memories flood back and some aren't good. I feel a lot of hurt still. Not so much when I am going to the cemetery, but more so when I am heading the route of my sister's house. I just went that direction this last weekend and I started to get teary eyed and had to talk myself through it because I had Justice in the car and didn't know how I was going to explain why momma suddenly was starting to cry. I certainly don't want to give my son those sad feelings or any anxiousness when it comes to areas or places. He remembers things and often will remind me that I have said something later and so I now try to make sure that I am not passing on any fears, stigmas, anxiety or doubts in my child's mind or heart.
I mentioned with yesterday's post that I don't remember who Amber prior to the deaths was, and I get it now. I do feel like my best friend and confidant is gone. I can't just pick up the phone and call her and ask her something silly or talk to her on Facebook. We used to play games on Facebook and she would take pictures of Justice and send them to me or post them so I could see him during the day. I miss that. Now he is in daycare and I just get to see him before school and after school. I can't just call up and talk to my child or my sister anymore. It is something that I miss so much. I think I was dependent on my sister so much that I can't remember a time when I didn't talk to her every day several times a day. It became a ritual and honestly, I can't even remember her home phone number anymore. Weird considering I used to call that number so much 3 years ago. :( This process isn't an easy one, but I am glad that I have started to really take this season of grief by the horns.
Day 11
The loss of a close family member creates extra depth and complexity to your grief. you shared a special and intimate connection with your loved one, and this relationship helped you define who you were. Losing this person has literally ripped you apart on the inside, leaving you unsure of your own identity.
Dr. Jim Conway, speaking of the death of his wife, says, "When Sally died, it was as if someone took a giant samurai sword and just cut me right down the middle. I kept asking myself and God, 'How am I supposed to go on with one leg, with one arm, with half a brain? How am I supposed to do all of this?'"
There is hope for you. Your identity can be found again when you abide in the Lord Jesus Christ and place your faith in Him. This will not happen overnight, and the process may be very painful. But Jesus will certainly help you as you depend on Him.
"If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him" (1 John 4:15-16).
Lord Jesus, piece me back together again with Your unfailing love. Amen.
~ I think I can identify with this very thought. I suddenly didn't know what to do with myself once I wasn't being a caregiver to my mom and wasn't driving every day to Deer Park to take my son to my sister. I was lost. I still get a little anxious about the drive to that side of town because the memories flood back and some aren't good. I feel a lot of hurt still. Not so much when I am going to the cemetery, but more so when I am heading the route of my sister's house. I just went that direction this last weekend and I started to get teary eyed and had to talk myself through it because I had Justice in the car and didn't know how I was going to explain why momma suddenly was starting to cry. I certainly don't want to give my son those sad feelings or any anxiousness when it comes to areas or places. He remembers things and often will remind me that I have said something later and so I now try to make sure that I am not passing on any fears, stigmas, anxiety or doubts in my child's mind or heart.
I mentioned with yesterday's post that I don't remember who Amber prior to the deaths was, and I get it now. I do feel like my best friend and confidant is gone. I can't just pick up the phone and call her and ask her something silly or talk to her on Facebook. We used to play games on Facebook and she would take pictures of Justice and send them to me or post them so I could see him during the day. I miss that. Now he is in daycare and I just get to see him before school and after school. I can't just call up and talk to my child or my sister anymore. It is something that I miss so much. I think I was dependent on my sister so much that I can't remember a time when I didn't talk to her every day several times a day. It became a ritual and honestly, I can't even remember her home phone number anymore. Weird considering I used to call that number so much 3 years ago. :( This process isn't an easy one, but I am glad that I have started to really take this season of grief by the horns.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Identify Your Losses - Day 10
Identify Your Losses
Day 10
One reason grief disrupts so many aspects of your life is because your loss is not one isolated loss. You will miss so many qualities and facets of the person you lost that each will become an opportunity to experience grief.
The range of things you need to grieve for may surprise you. Identify your losses and be prepared to grieve for each one.
Use the list below as a starting point.
Day 10
One reason grief disrupts so many aspects of your life is because your loss is not one isolated loss. You will miss so many qualities and facets of the person you lost that each will become an opportunity to experience grief.
The range of things you need to grieve for may surprise you. Identify your losses and be prepared to grieve for each one.
Use the list below as a starting point.
- your companion
- your lover
- your encourager
- your "entertainer"
- your source of delight
- the one who shares your private jokes
- your breadwinner
- the one who knows you so well
- your housekeeper
- the shoulder on which you cry
- your cook
- the arms that embrace and comfort you
- your mechanic
- the one who always cheers you
- your friend
- your pride and joy
Your list will go on and on. Say your losses out loud to God; speak until you run out of words to say. He knows your deepest needs, and He alone can provide. Do not skip this step.
"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus" (Phillippians 4:19).
O God, I have lost so much. Who will fill these gaping holes within me? You, Lord -- yes, You. Amen.
~ I was just thinking this very thing on the 20th and the days leading up to the anniversary of the loss of my sister. I was making a list of all the things that she was in my life that are now gone. I have prayed for someone to come into my life to make it better. It turns out that God is the one. He sent Himself into my life so that I could heal myself in order to be ready for a companion to be in my life. I have decided that I don't want to be "Amber the grieving" anymore. I don't want to be known as the girl who lost her sister and her mother in 2010. I had given myself the title of single mother and that was a badge of honor and yet it also became a burden. I love my child and he is my reason for living. However, I don't want to be known as "Amber the single mother" because it isn't a burden for anyone else to bear. It was my choice and my blessing. I will always bring up my sister and my mother and it will be for others to remember and get to know their legacy and the wonderful people that they were. They may not be here in presence, but they are certainly here in memory. It is just up to me to remember to honor their memories and continue to remind myself and my son of the beautiful women they were.
Kathy was:
- my best friend
- my confidant
- my biggest supporter
- my personal cheerleader
- my child care provider
- my child's aunt
- my sister's sister
- my every day conversationalist
- my nephews' mother
- my dad's daughter
- my mother's daughter
This list isn't finished, it is just that I just realized that I mourn not only for myself, but for others and this is because I love my family so much.
My mom was:
- my mother
- my biggest supporter next to my sister
- the person that could make me feel better if I wasn't feeling well
- my sister's mother
- my son's grandmother
- my son's caregiver
- my friend
I was her caregiver to and in a way I feel like I failed her by all the what ifs of the days leading up to her being admitted to the hospital. I feel some remorse that we didn't get an autopsy to find out what else was going on with her. She had a metal thing in her back and so she couldn't have a lot of tests because of it. There could have been more wrong with her and we just didn't know. I can't change it. I can't dwell on it. I just have to accept what is and know that I did what I thought was best for her.
Grief Is Disruptive - Day 9
Grief Is Disruptive
Day 9
Grief affects everything you do. It can disrupt every aspect of your life in ways you might not expect.
"I don't think I had time to think because psychologically I wasn't with it," says Nancy, whose husband passed away. "I would do stupid things. I would be coming home thinking I was on X Street, and then I'd realize, 'Well, I'm on the wrong street.' It was dumb things like that."
When life seems chaotic and your world has lost its predictable order, remember that God does not change. Like Nancy, you may find yourself driving down the wrong road, but God is with you, and He is able to get you to your destination.
"What a God! His road stretches straight and smooth. Every GOD- direction is road-tested. Everyone who runs toward him makes it." (Psalm 18:30 MSG).
Creator God, You are a steadfast presence in my forever-changed world. Amen.
~ I think I tend to forget to be thankful. Thankful that I am still here. Thankful that He is present in my life even when I don't feel like He is. My goal in this isn't to push someone to "find" God. It is to show my journey through my season of grief. It just so happens that while I am going through this, God's presence has been shown and is so relevant in my progression. It is when I think He isn't there that He surely is. Seeing isn't believing ... believing is seeing.
Day 9
Grief affects everything you do. It can disrupt every aspect of your life in ways you might not expect.
"I don't think I had time to think because psychologically I wasn't with it," says Nancy, whose husband passed away. "I would do stupid things. I would be coming home thinking I was on X Street, and then I'd realize, 'Well, I'm on the wrong street.' It was dumb things like that."
When life seems chaotic and your world has lost its predictable order, remember that God does not change. Like Nancy, you may find yourself driving down the wrong road, but God is with you, and He is able to get you to your destination.
"What a God! His road stretches straight and smooth. Every GOD- direction is road-tested. Everyone who runs toward him makes it." (Psalm 18:30 MSG).
Creator God, You are a steadfast presence in my forever-changed world. Amen.
~ I think I tend to forget to be thankful. Thankful that I am still here. Thankful that He is present in my life even when I don't feel like He is. My goal in this isn't to push someone to "find" God. It is to show my journey through my season of grief. It just so happens that while I am going through this, God's presence has been shown and is so relevant in my progression. It is when I think He isn't there that He surely is. Seeing isn't believing ... believing is seeing.
Grief Is Harder Than You Think - Day 8
Grief Is Harder Than You Think
Day 8
The hardest time to learn about the process of grief is while you are in the midst of it. You may feel that you are taking a crash course in grief and that the learning curve is formidable. But those who seek to understand grief and loss will be better able to recover, so we commend you for your determination and effort to see this process through.
Dr. H. Norman Wright says, "Many of the right things to do in life are the most difficult things to do."
Dear friend, even though you may be in the depths of despair and feel that God is faraway, now is the time to cling to whatever knowledge of Him you have. Today is the day to open your mind and heart for deeper understanding.
"If you hang on with whatever it is you know in your heart to be true about Him, then He will come through," says Janet Paschal. "That's a promise."
"I lift up my eyes to the hills -- where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip -- he who watches over you will not slumber" (Psalm 121:1-3).
Lord God, this is so hard. Please keep me from falling. Amen.
~ This day's message was like it was right from my heart and head. I really do feel like I am taking a crash course in grief. Some days are so good and I go through the day with indifference towards my new reality. Then there are days that I would just love to stay in the bed because I feel worn mentally, emotionally, physically and I need a break from myself. Janet Paschal was spot on. I hang on to whatever it is that I know in my heart and still keep my heart open to learning more about Him and am then able to continue on. If I didn't believe to a certain degree, I wouldn't find meaning in what I am doing right now. It wouldn't make sense to me and feel right to be writing about this and to feel true purpose from it. I am finding more and more about myself as I work through this and it really is helping.
With that, I say again "Lord God, this is so hard. Please keep me from falling. Amen."
He knows what is in my head and heart. He knows my fears, anxiety, my hurt, my pain and my blessings. It is just up to me to trust and believe. <3
Day 8
The hardest time to learn about the process of grief is while you are in the midst of it. You may feel that you are taking a crash course in grief and that the learning curve is formidable. But those who seek to understand grief and loss will be better able to recover, so we commend you for your determination and effort to see this process through.
Dr. H. Norman Wright says, "Many of the right things to do in life are the most difficult things to do."
Dear friend, even though you may be in the depths of despair and feel that God is faraway, now is the time to cling to whatever knowledge of Him you have. Today is the day to open your mind and heart for deeper understanding.
"If you hang on with whatever it is you know in your heart to be true about Him, then He will come through," says Janet Paschal. "That's a promise."
"I lift up my eyes to the hills -- where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip -- he who watches over you will not slumber" (Psalm 121:1-3).
Lord God, this is so hard. Please keep me from falling. Amen.
~ This day's message was like it was right from my heart and head. I really do feel like I am taking a crash course in grief. Some days are so good and I go through the day with indifference towards my new reality. Then there are days that I would just love to stay in the bed because I feel worn mentally, emotionally, physically and I need a break from myself. Janet Paschal was spot on. I hang on to whatever it is that I know in my heart and still keep my heart open to learning more about Him and am then able to continue on. If I didn't believe to a certain degree, I wouldn't find meaning in what I am doing right now. It wouldn't make sense to me and feel right to be writing about this and to feel true purpose from it. I am finding more and more about myself as I work through this and it really is helping.
With that, I say again "Lord God, this is so hard. Please keep me from falling. Amen."
He knows what is in my head and heart. He knows my fears, anxiety, my hurt, my pain and my blessings. It is just up to me to trust and believe. <3
Random Emotions - Day 7
Random Emotions
Day 7
"My emotions occurred spontaneously, and sometimes two or three at the same time," says Cindy, whose daughter passed away.
Although there are stages that are common to the process of grief, they do not occur in a predictable order. Your emotions will be random, sometimes overwhelming, and completely unique.
"Whatever your emotions lead you to feel, it's okay to feel how you're feeling," says Randy, whose sister died. "I think there are several emotions people are going to go through that are beyond their control."
Although you may feel overwhelmed and out of control, you can still have the deep inner peace that comes from God alone. Some people clearly sense the peace of God during times of adversity, but others wonder why they cannot feel it. Be assured that His peace is always available to you. Peace comes through a sincere belief in God's presence and in His promises; it is not dependent on our feelings or sensations. Believe in His promises and rest in His peace today.
"Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you" (Thessalonians 3:16).
Lord of peace, when my emotions surprise and confuse me, may I rest in the peace of Your constant presence. Amen.
~I feel like Cindy above. I often feel like my emotions occur spontaneously and it leads me to wonder if I have some sort of hormonal or emotional instability because of it. How can I go from being happy to being sad, angry and crying all in a matter of 30 minutes? Explanation ... well that is what grief is. It a tornado of emotions and that will hit you just like that at times. Not every one will experience it like this. I think those that are able to process their feelings faster are blessed. I start to truly wonder if I am just not believing enough in God or his promises. I am not educated enough in his word and thus I am going through the motions like cooking out of a cook book. I am bound to fail to a certain extent if I keep going through it with one hand trying to read along while the other is trying to stir the pot. Steps will be missed and ingredients will be lost in the shuffle. Maybe that was a bad analogy, but hey .. the first four letters of analogy are anal! Just saying.
So, today's message is that God's peace is available to me. What am I doing or not doing so that His peace comes to me? Perhaps nothing and he is with me and that is how I am able to get through it all. Just when I think He isn't there and He has forsaken me, it is then that I realize that without Him I wouldn't have gotten this far and wouldn't be asking the questions and seeking the answers. It is with Him that I am seeking the help and healing. It is with Him in my corner that I make it to the meeting and I feel at peace and a calm over me when I am there in that place of "safe".
Unpredictable Emotions - Day 6
Unpredictable Emotions
Day 6
The unpredictable timing and odd combinations of emotions that hit you during grief can leave you confused and despairing.
"My life was totally flipped upside down emotionally, in every way you could think of," says Sue, whose husband died.
Your emotions not only hit hard, but they can also occur at unexpected moments, which makes the impact seem even worse. Being aware of the unpredictable nature of your emotions will help you stand firm during each new barrage. God's promises in the Bible will also help you to persevere.
In Matthew 5:4 Jesus promises comfort and a blessing for those who go through the process of grief and mourning: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."
Lord, when my emotions come and go with no semblance of order, remind me that this is to be expected during grief, and help me to stand firm. Amen.
~My emotions definitely hit hard, fast and in a hurry. Sometimes they take their sweet time for me to work through. Even when I think that I have worked through something, I tend to find that I relive that same moment again. It feels like I keep repeating the same thing over and over. Isn't that the definition of insanity... repeating the same action expecting a different result?!?! However, I am not sure that I expect anything anymore. I definitely don't purposefully rinse and repeat my grieving. I can't imagine that anyone would purposefully dwell in the land of the hurt and pain. I certainly don't mean to nor to I intend on doing so. I made a decision a while back (almost a year ago to be exact) that I wanted to live. I made that decision when I started to seek out weight loss surgery. I was diabetic and the weight was continuing to pile on. I was in a place where I didn't know if I could continue on that path and still be here for my son. It was at that time that I declared that I wanted to live. That I needed to live and that my son was my reason for living. I honestly believe that if it weren't for my son, I wouldn't have a reason to live. God gave me my miracle child when he did and gave him 15 wonderful months with my sister and my mom. I am saddened that my stepfather decided to make his departure before the two physical losses and that he still hasn't tried to be in my child's life. However, he is in a different place and believes different things and family isn't one of those things I guess. I was brought up that family was the most important thing next to God. We didn't really have a strong push to be religious, but I still found my way to getting baptized at the age of 23. I found my way to the church and I kept the faith even in my faith trials of my mother getting sick. I have to wonder how much faith I really had if when my sister died and my mother shortly after that I "turned my back" on God. He went from being 1st in my life to being a distant cousin. I still prayed, but it was different. It was like the conversations that I thought I was having were just gone. I felt in silence. It was like my prayers were falling on deaf ears. Perhaps it was me that was deaf in the situation. I became so null and void in my feelings and emotions and was being medicated to feel nothing so that I didn't really progress into a grieving process until I got off the medicine before my weight loss surgery. It was then that I decided that I didn't want to be on depression medicine anymore. I didn't want to be depressed, but I certainly didn't want to live in a land of fog anymore. I knew that I was strong enough to deal with my emotions and that I NEEDED to go through it in order to come out on the other side a better person. I can't believe or couldn't even imagine that I would be the person that I am today if you had asked me 4 year ago where I would be today.
People ask you "where do you think you will be in 5 years?" Never once did I think that I would be in a different and new reality where I didn't have my sister and my mother. Where I would be closer to my dad and where my stepfather would be out of the picture. It is a true upheaval of my life and like a reset button on my inner computer. Weird, yet a new reality regardless. I wonder sometimes if I mourn for the Amber that I used to be because I don't remember her. I don't remember a time when I was just going through life and my biggest problem was my baby daddy and his drama. Now it is a new reality where my best friend is gone and my momma is missing from my life. *tear*
Day 6
The unpredictable timing and odd combinations of emotions that hit you during grief can leave you confused and despairing.
"My life was totally flipped upside down emotionally, in every way you could think of," says Sue, whose husband died.
Your emotions not only hit hard, but they can also occur at unexpected moments, which makes the impact seem even worse. Being aware of the unpredictable nature of your emotions will help you stand firm during each new barrage. God's promises in the Bible will also help you to persevere.
In Matthew 5:4 Jesus promises comfort and a blessing for those who go through the process of grief and mourning: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."
Lord, when my emotions come and go with no semblance of order, remind me that this is to be expected during grief, and help me to stand firm. Amen.
~My emotions definitely hit hard, fast and in a hurry. Sometimes they take their sweet time for me to work through. Even when I think that I have worked through something, I tend to find that I relive that same moment again. It feels like I keep repeating the same thing over and over. Isn't that the definition of insanity... repeating the same action expecting a different result?!?! However, I am not sure that I expect anything anymore. I definitely don't purposefully rinse and repeat my grieving. I can't imagine that anyone would purposefully dwell in the land of the hurt and pain. I certainly don't mean to nor to I intend on doing so. I made a decision a while back (almost a year ago to be exact) that I wanted to live. I made that decision when I started to seek out weight loss surgery. I was diabetic and the weight was continuing to pile on. I was in a place where I didn't know if I could continue on that path and still be here for my son. It was at that time that I declared that I wanted to live. That I needed to live and that my son was my reason for living. I honestly believe that if it weren't for my son, I wouldn't have a reason to live. God gave me my miracle child when he did and gave him 15 wonderful months with my sister and my mom. I am saddened that my stepfather decided to make his departure before the two physical losses and that he still hasn't tried to be in my child's life. However, he is in a different place and believes different things and family isn't one of those things I guess. I was brought up that family was the most important thing next to God. We didn't really have a strong push to be religious, but I still found my way to getting baptized at the age of 23. I found my way to the church and I kept the faith even in my faith trials of my mother getting sick. I have to wonder how much faith I really had if when my sister died and my mother shortly after that I "turned my back" on God. He went from being 1st in my life to being a distant cousin. I still prayed, but it was different. It was like the conversations that I thought I was having were just gone. I felt in silence. It was like my prayers were falling on deaf ears. Perhaps it was me that was deaf in the situation. I became so null and void in my feelings and emotions and was being medicated to feel nothing so that I didn't really progress into a grieving process until I got off the medicine before my weight loss surgery. It was then that I decided that I didn't want to be on depression medicine anymore. I didn't want to be depressed, but I certainly didn't want to live in a land of fog anymore. I knew that I was strong enough to deal with my emotions and that I NEEDED to go through it in order to come out on the other side a better person. I can't believe or couldn't even imagine that I would be the person that I am today if you had asked me 4 year ago where I would be today.
People ask you "where do you think you will be in 5 years?" Never once did I think that I would be in a different and new reality where I didn't have my sister and my mother. Where I would be closer to my dad and where my stepfather would be out of the picture. It is a true upheaval of my life and like a reset button on my inner computer. Weird, yet a new reality regardless. I wonder sometimes if I mourn for the Amber that I used to be because I don't remember her. I don't remember a time when I was just going through life and my biggest problem was my baby daddy and his drama. Now it is a new reality where my best friend is gone and my momma is missing from my life. *tear*
He Will Carry You - Day 5
He Will Carry You
Day 5
The Lord will carry you if you ask Him. When you are feeling so weak you cannot take another step, ask Him to lift you high into His loving arms. Then rest in Him with an open and listening heart. This does not mean that your problems will disappear, but it does mean you will have Someone to share them with.
"If you are someone who does not know Jesus Christ as your Savior and you have just been widowed or bereaved, you have a tremendous burden," says Elizabeth Elliot. "You are tired, and it is too big a burden to carry. The Lord says, 'Come to me, you who are tired and overburdened, and I will give you rest.'"
To receive peace and rest in Christ, the instructions are clear. Jesus says, "Come to me." You must first approach Him and then talk to Him and quietly listen.
"Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe" (Psalm 61:1-3).
Lord, I come to You. My heart is worn out, and I need You. Take my heavy burden today. Amen.
~ I think for a while I wondered if He was listening. Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. Or so I have heard. However, I still have a lot of soul searching to do because I don't want to only seek God when I am in despair. I would like to be at a place where I believe the words that are spoken and the bible verses that I read or hear. I want to be a believer and a person of faith. I think that is the first step in achieving it. Say it out loud. Let your intentions be known outside of your head and heart and once you hear it from your own mouth then you will feel it in your heart. I am not sure that what I just said makes sense, but it really wasn't until I said it out loud that I started to take the steps to get what I wanted/needed/desired. Prime example was when I said that I wanted to go to church for my birthday. It was something that I had been thinking for a while, but it wasn't until I said it out loud that I made it happen. I did get help with going from Tiffany, but she wouldn't have gone with me unless I asked and I would have put it off further unless I had exclaimed it out loud. It was then that I learned about the grief share class. It was as if it was steps that had to be taken in order for me to find the path to healing. This lends itself to the theory that every thing happens for a reason. This had to happen in order for this to happen. Hmph. Never really thought about it like that until just now. Revelations!
Day 5
The Lord will carry you if you ask Him. When you are feeling so weak you cannot take another step, ask Him to lift you high into His loving arms. Then rest in Him with an open and listening heart. This does not mean that your problems will disappear, but it does mean you will have Someone to share them with.
"If you are someone who does not know Jesus Christ as your Savior and you have just been widowed or bereaved, you have a tremendous burden," says Elizabeth Elliot. "You are tired, and it is too big a burden to carry. The Lord says, 'Come to me, you who are tired and overburdened, and I will give you rest.'"
To receive peace and rest in Christ, the instructions are clear. Jesus says, "Come to me." You must first approach Him and then talk to Him and quietly listen.
"Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe" (Psalm 61:1-3).
Lord, I come to You. My heart is worn out, and I need You. Take my heavy burden today. Amen.
~ I think for a while I wondered if He was listening. Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. Or so I have heard. However, I still have a lot of soul searching to do because I don't want to only seek God when I am in despair. I would like to be at a place where I believe the words that are spoken and the bible verses that I read or hear. I want to be a believer and a person of faith. I think that is the first step in achieving it. Say it out loud. Let your intentions be known outside of your head and heart and once you hear it from your own mouth then you will feel it in your heart. I am not sure that what I just said makes sense, but it really wasn't until I said it out loud that I started to take the steps to get what I wanted/needed/desired. Prime example was when I said that I wanted to go to church for my birthday. It was something that I had been thinking for a while, but it wasn't until I said it out loud that I made it happen. I did get help with going from Tiffany, but she wouldn't have gone with me unless I asked and I would have put it off further unless I had exclaimed it out loud. It was then that I learned about the grief share class. It was as if it was steps that had to be taken in order for me to find the path to healing. This lends itself to the theory that every thing happens for a reason. This had to happen in order for this to happen. Hmph. Never really thought about it like that until just now. Revelations!
Grief Lasts Longer Than Expected - Day 4
Grief Lasts Longer Than Expected
Day 4
Grief's unexpected turns will throw you again and again. You may feel that for every step forward, you take at least one step back. The grieving process generally takes longer than you ever imagined.
Please don't rush this process. Remember, what you are feeling is not only normal; it is necessary.
"It's been seven years, and I'm still going through it," says Dr. Larry Crabb, whose brother died in a plane crash. "I don't know if it's a very holy thing to admit, but when someone says, 'Well, it's been a week, a month, a year -- Larry, for you it's been seven years. Get a grip. Where's your faith in Christ, for goodness' sake?' I get really angry.
"Knowing the Lord and His comfort does not take away the ache; instead, it supports you in the middle of the ache. Until I get home to heaven, there's going to be an ache that won't quit. The grieving process for me is not so much a matter of getting rid of the pain, but not being controlled by the pain."
We read in the Psalms that David grew weary with the process of grief and cried out to the Lord. Then he left the timing in God's hands.
"Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long? Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love" (Psalm 6:2-4).
"I am weary with my sighing; Every night I make my bed swim, I dissolve my couch with my tears. My eye has wasted away with grief (Psalm 6:6-7 NASB).
Heavenly God, I cannot even begin to put my grief in a time frame. Thank you that I don't have to. Comfort me and support me as I lean on You. Amen.
~I am so thankful that this day's email told me that I need not rush the process. That this was normal and mostly necessary. I feel like every time that I feel like I worked through something, I fall back. It was then that someone said something to me at a class. They said "you need to try and separate the losses and grieve them individually." It felt funny that someone would say that, but then it made sense. I was bouncing from my sister's death to my role in my mother's departure. It was overwhelming me and I wasn't able to move forward because I was reliving the deaths over and over because I was taking them both on and the same time. I think that I tend to put it off until I reach an emotional damn braking moment. It is then that I find that I am on edge and full of rage and then I get upset that I am so angry and then realize that the anger is really part of the grief process. Anger is my foe. Now that I have acknowledged that anger plays a giant role in my grieving process, I am able to see it for what it is and not dwell in it. I am finding ways to work through it or divert that anger energy into something different. Mostly, I am a work in progress. I am prayerful.
Day 4
Grief's unexpected turns will throw you again and again. You may feel that for every step forward, you take at least one step back. The grieving process generally takes longer than you ever imagined.
Please don't rush this process. Remember, what you are feeling is not only normal; it is necessary.
"It's been seven years, and I'm still going through it," says Dr. Larry Crabb, whose brother died in a plane crash. "I don't know if it's a very holy thing to admit, but when someone says, 'Well, it's been a week, a month, a year -- Larry, for you it's been seven years. Get a grip. Where's your faith in Christ, for goodness' sake?' I get really angry.
"Knowing the Lord and His comfort does not take away the ache; instead, it supports you in the middle of the ache. Until I get home to heaven, there's going to be an ache that won't quit. The grieving process for me is not so much a matter of getting rid of the pain, but not being controlled by the pain."
We read in the Psalms that David grew weary with the process of grief and cried out to the Lord. Then he left the timing in God's hands.
"Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long? Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love" (Psalm 6:2-4).
"I am weary with my sighing; Every night I make my bed swim, I dissolve my couch with my tears. My eye has wasted away with grief (Psalm 6:6-7 NASB).
Heavenly God, I cannot even begin to put my grief in a time frame. Thank you that I don't have to. Comfort me and support me as I lean on You. Amen.
~I am so thankful that this day's email told me that I need not rush the process. That this was normal and mostly necessary. I feel like every time that I feel like I worked through something, I fall back. It was then that someone said something to me at a class. They said "you need to try and separate the losses and grieve them individually." It felt funny that someone would say that, but then it made sense. I was bouncing from my sister's death to my role in my mother's departure. It was overwhelming me and I wasn't able to move forward because I was reliving the deaths over and over because I was taking them both on and the same time. I think that I tend to put it off until I reach an emotional damn braking moment. It is then that I find that I am on edge and full of rage and then I get upset that I am so angry and then realize that the anger is really part of the grief process. Anger is my foe. Now that I have acknowledged that anger plays a giant role in my grieving process, I am able to see it for what it is and not dwell in it. I am finding ways to work through it or divert that anger energy into something different. Mostly, I am a work in progress. I am prayerful.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)