Rage! - Day 65

Rage!

Day 65

Rage. Have you felt it? Screaming, wailing, intense, and coming up out of nowhere. It is defined by Webster's Dictionary as "violent and uncontrolled anger; a fit of violent wrath."

If you can relate to the above descriptions, you are experiencing an emotion common to the grieving process.

"I think the rage I had inside caused my high blood pressure, and I didn't know how to express my anger," says Annie after her father died.

Your anger does need to be expressed, but it must be done slowly and not impulsively.  Impulsive anger deals with "personal rights" and "my plan," "the kind of anger that shows you are still trying to remain in control. As God is "slow to anger," so are you encouraged to have this attribute. 

"He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty. And he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city" (Proverbs 16:32 NASB).

Impulsive anger can hurt others and cause new problems for you. But the dynamic of being "slow to anger" allows you to express your anger, to see the cause of it, and to deal with it. 

Lord, give my rage a slow fuse and keep it from becoming a hungry devouring flame. Amen.

~ Woah. I needed this a while back.  I have felt rage. I went around screaming. I would lash out. I didn't realize that my anger and rage was built up from and was tied to my grieving that I wasn't doing. I am still a work in progress.

An Expressive Need to Tell Your Story - Day 64

An Expressive Need to Tell Your Story
Day 64

You may be a person who feels the need to express your story to anyone and everyone who will listen. You have felt the healing salve that comes from sharing with others, and you may think that telling your story repeatedly will result in greater healing.

Sharing your experience with others is a crucial step on your healing journey, but use wisdom in discerning if your timing is appropriate.

Luevenia experienced the death of her husband. She says, "When I talked about my husband's death to people who weren't close to me, it was boring for them. They got tired of it. But it's ever present with me."

God's Word offers advice on timing for all situations in life. "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven ... a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak" (Ecclesiastes 3:1,7).

Lord, I praise You that sharing comes easily to me, and I praise You for the taste of healing that it brings. Give me the wisdom to hold my tongue when I should be listening instead of speaking. Amen.

~ I feel that expressive need to share. I figure that have to be other people out there that are hurting and looking to find someone that has felt that very same way. I don't go around talking about my losses to strangers. I don't want to be "Amber the grieving" or "Poor Amber who lost her sister and mom" ... I share because I want to help someone else, not for pity or approval. I think that is the fine line in sharing. If sharing is caring, then that is why I do it. I wish someone had shared their loss story with me. I felt really alone in the beginning. I felt like there is no way anyone would or could ever know what I was feeling. My younger sister is the only one that I know that lost the same way I did, except that she wasn't my mom's caregiver as much as I was and she didn't have the same kind of bond that I had with my older sister since my older sister and I had gotten closer since I got pregnant and then had my son. So it was a different set of relationships, yet we lost the same way. I don't talk to my younger sister about the deaths. She seems to let me grieve and I feel safe grieving when she is there, yet I think we both withdraw a bit when it seems like one of us might talk about it. It isn't easy to want to talk about it because I don't want to bring up something that she hasn't worked through nor do I want to sit in a pity circle and just boohoo over the losses. It is a point of restraint I think that I use when she comes home to visit. I just wish that I knew what to say and how to validate her feelings so that she could get the healing that I have. So that she would know that it is okay to grieve and it is okay that it has been three years. She might have worked through it and I just don't know it. Looks like I have some sisterly bonding to do!

Suppression Can Lead to Explosion - Day 63

Suppression Can Lead to Explosion
Day 63

Are you quelling your emotions within you and consciously keeping them at bay? Think about the amount of force and energy this involves. Your emotions may be packed in so tightly that the pressure could build up to the point of possible explosion.

"You can delay the grieving process by denying it or just not allowing yourself to cry or to face it," says Dr. H. Norman Wright. "It's like you put a lid on your life and on your emotions. It is a form of repression, and whenever you repress any of your feelings, you bury them alive. Someday there will be a resurrection, but you will not be in charge of it. It could come through depression. It could come out through explosiveness."

In the midst of overwhelming emotional suffering and pressure, Jesus looked to God with determination.

"And being in anguish he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground" (Luke 22:44).

Holy God, may my resolve to release my emotional pressure and to seek You be as earnest as Jesus' prayer. Amen.

~ I can testify that explosiveness does happen. I finally had a point where I would be sitting at work and break down crying. It was at that point that I went to see my primary care physician and she suggested therapy as well as increasing my depression medicine. She knew that I needed to talk it out. It was obvious that the depression medicine wasn't covering up the hurt. It was obvious that my emotions need to come out because they were just boiling under the surface and the smallest thing that would remind me of my sister or mom would set me off on a crying spell. It took a while for me to admit it myself, but I am so glad that I sought help. Suppression is never the answer.

Isolation - Day 62

Isolation
Day 62

Sometimes you just want everyone to leave you alone. So you build a protective wall around yourself, not only to keep other people out, but also to guard against unwanted emotions. You may think you are playing it safe, but instead you are blocking out the healing.

"There are people who love you and want to pray for you and want to talk with you," says Dr. Tim Clinton. "If you allow that to happen, God puts great salve on deep wounds."

Doesn't that sound wonderful -- a great salve on deep wounds?
Jeremiah called out to God for just a thing and found Him to be faithful and true.

"Is there no balm in Gilead? Is there no physician there? Why then is there no healing for the wound of my people?" (Jeremiah 8:22).

"But I will restore you health and heal your wounds,' declares the LORD, 'because you are called an outcast, Zion for whom no one cares'" (Jeremiah 30:17).

Faithful God, bring me out of my self-imposed isolation that I may be healed by the Balm of Gilead--Jesus Christ. Amen.

 ~ I am grateful that I didn't really get to the place of isolation. I might be delusional, but it felt like my family withdrew from me. How do you approach someone who has just lost her sister and mom and ask "how are you doing?" or "how are you holding up?" Those become loaded questions and most people try to shy away from doing that because they really don't want the answer to the question.  It would have been nice to have people around me for longer than just me moving out of my house and into an apartment. It would have been nice for them to be more present in my son's life even before the losses. I think I tend to have a bit of resentment because I am so loving and giving or try to be and when it comes to reciprocation, I think we get lost in the shuffle. I tend to feel unwanted or unneeded in my family and therefore unimportant. I try not to put that stigma on my child and for him to feel loved and wanted all the time. I try and keep things positive in his view so that he doesn't feel the negativity that I do or the dismay. I think mostly, I just want him to be a happy kid and not have the hurt and sorrow that I still am working through. It is like fears. I notice he is picking up fears that he didn't have before. I just try to make sure that I help him through those and help him along the way so that he doesn't end up in this barren feeling that I still am working through.

This Can't Be Happening - Day 61

This Can't Be Happening
Day 61

Although your mind knows the facts, your heart is often reluctant to accept the death of someone you know and love.

"You may have a tendency to deny," says Dr. H. Norman Wright, "Denial covers over the sharpness of the pain."

Denial is a process that occurs during grieving to minimize the struggle. This is a natural and transitional part of your healing journey.

Randy shares how he experienced denial after his sister died, but over time, he found that denial was impossible: "After the funeral I was basically denial. I tried to dive into my work and forget about it. It's taken a long time. Little things will remind me: things that she did, places she went to. Things like that will all of a sudden bring this very empty, hollow feeling inside me, where I can't breathe. I feel like the air is just sucked out of me. It's been five years, but trying to deny it or to ignore it is not possible."

You may be tempted to "dive into" your work and fill your mind with anything but the truth of the situation. But the book of Proverbs tells us to be open to the truth and to pursue it: "Buy the truth and do not sell it; get wisdom, discipline and understanding" (23:23).

Jesus, give me the courage to face the truth. With Your help I know I can do it. Amen.

~ I don't know that I ever denied that the losses happened. I think I might have denied how I was dealing with it or the fact that I needed to deal with it. Being that I was on depression meds and quite numb overall, I had a want to feel something, yet the need to be able to function. It was those two fighting passions that caused quite a break down in my emotional stability and finally the necessity for me to admit that I needed to get off the depression medicine. I finally really was seeking a support group. I knew that I needed a support group for the weight loss, so surely I needed a support group to help with the grief.

Out of Control - Day 60

Out of Control
Day 60

Not only are your emotions unpredictable, but they may also seem uncontrollable. This changing nature combined with the intensity of the emotions can cause you to feel disoriented, forgetful, and overpowered.

"There was this overwhelming feeling of being out of control ... overwhelmed and watching life pass by," says Cindy following her daughter's death.

Your response to these uncontrollable emotions can be confusing to you as well as to others; for instance, sometimes you may want people with you, and sometimes you do not. You may also act in ways you later regret.

Job expressed this sentiment: "If only my anguish could be weighed and all my misery placed on the scales! It would surely outweigh the sand of the seas - no wonder my words have been impetuous" (Job 6:2-3).

Precious Lord, You know the desires of my heart. In my confusion give me peace to know that You are in control of all life and You do not make mistakes. Amen.

~ I just said this very thing! Confirmation! I felt like this quite often until I did the circle the emotions exercise. Now I don't feel those same ones. Now that I have started to express myself through sharing it on here. Sometimes I wish I had companionship so that I didn't feel so alone, yet other times I wish I could get time to be alone. Being a single mom, I really don't get time to myself much. It has been a struggle, but at the same time, I don't not want my child with me. I know he is safe with me and I know where he is and how he is doing and if he wasn't with me then I would worry about that, so having him with me, while I don't get much down time or me time, it is a blessing and so wanted and needed.

Sudden and Unpredictable - Day 59

Sudden and Unpredictable
Day 59

Emotions during grief do not occur in an orderly fashion. You cannot follow a checklist and mark off the emotions you are finished with and then move on to the next. They come suddenly and unpredictably.

"People ask me, 'How are you doing?' And I say, 'Wonderful.' One moment I'm sobbing uncontrollably -- I carry Kleenex around in my pocket -- and the next moment I'm so exhilarated with joy with all that God is doing in my life," says Dr. Jim Conway.

Circumstances will change. People will change. Surroundings will change. But the Bible leads you to the one sure thing: "I the LORD do not change" (Malachi 3:6).

Almighty, unchanging God, I grasp on to Your hand as my emotions confuse and overwhelm me. You alone cannot be moved, and I am confident that as long as I remain in You, I, too will not be moved. Amen.

~ I concur. There was a time that I wondered if I was bipolar, after the deaths of my sister and mother. I would have a good day going and then suddenly I would be in tears and miserable. I have had times when I walk into the grief share class and I am smiling and happy and then something is said in class that just strikes something up in my core and I just start crying. It is as if it is a signal that it is okay to cry and I feel "safe" there. I feel like I get that affirmation that it is okay to grieve and I get the validity of my hurt made in this safe place. It is a gathering of grieving people that gather in the name of their loved ones, but more importantly, in the name of the LORD.  So beautiful that is!