My Season

My season of grief has started and stopped several times. I have come to learn that it can do that. It isn't easy to think you have gone through the steps of grief only to be ambushed by the feelings that you thought you had already worked through.  My story isn't a simple one, but certainly isn't as bad as others. I have to come to realize that each and every feelings, emotion and experience is my own and can't and shouldn't be compared to anyone else's.
So, where to begin? I can't say that I am certain of where to begin since it feels like I am stuck in this new reality and can't remember the old me. It makes me sad that I can't remember a time when I didn't stop, try to remember and then start to cry.  At some point, I have to believe, hope and pray that it will get easier. That the hurt and sadness won't overwhelm me and keep me from being the happy person that I seemingly was before my world was forever changed.  My sister passed on March 20, 2010. My mom was taken off life support April 11, 2010. Rough stuff.

My sister was my best friend. She was the caregiver to my child. She was the one that could make me laugh when I was down, make me smile with her corny jokes and help me through my rough spots with good conversation. She wasn't sick per se. She had been having headaches and had blood pressure problems. I didn't really know a lot and I guess I didn't really ask a lot. This is the guilt in not knowing. My sister and I didn't always have this wonderful friendship. She was my caregiver for a while and this probably led to a little resentment and when she was old enough, she was outta there! But, when she had her first child, she came back down to earth. By the time she had her second child, I was older and a little more established in my own world, that I would take the time to drive the 32 miles to go see her and the kids. Then, I got pregnant. She was the 2nd person that I told. I didn't know what to do or who to talk to. I didn't know how to wrap my head around it. I first told my cousin who is also my Godmother and then I told my sister. She was so excited. She was BEYOND excited to be an auntie. I think she was more excited about my pregnancy than I was. This was the thing that brought us closest. Dealing with a baby daddy that denied my pregnancy from the moment I told him, she was my biggest supporter. She made sure that I got the positive feedback and support I needed along the way. Then I had him. She was the proudest auntie ever! She dubbed him her "dreamy dream" and the love she gave him was that of her own children. She adored my child. Once it was time for me to go to work full time again, she took on the role of babysitter since she was a stay at home mom. I drove to Deer Park every day 32 miles each way, twice a day to take him to her so that she would have him and I would know he was safe. I didn't want him to be in daycare because honestly I didn't trust anyone but her to take care of my child. My mom couldn't take care of him on her own since she was struggling to take care of herself with her migraines and diabetes always acting up. She was at his first birthday and first Christmas. He even wanted to hold on to her at his birthday party. I was so happy for that bond they had. March 20, 2010. The day that rocked my world. We got up and went to a birthday party for my cousin and Kathy was supposed to come, but her husband was working. With my mom and son in the car, I didn't have enough room for my sister and both her boys. So, she didn't go. We had just gotten home from the party and I was undressing when I got the call on my cell phone. It was my brother-in-law telling me something was wrong with my sister. That she wouldn't wake up and that I needed to get to Deer Park ASAP.  I was in WTF mode.  I didn't tell my mom or sister Ashley what I thought was going on, but in my mind I just knew something was wrong and it was bad because it wasn't like my BIL was telling me to meet them at the hospital. It was that I needed to come to the house. I called my cousin to come get Justice because something was wrong with Kathy and I needed to get us to Deer Park fast and in a hurry. My mom kept asking me what was wrong. I just kept yelling that we had to go and NOW.  I got there under 30 minutes. There were two cop cars outside and my sister was getting my mom out of the car as I walked in and saw my BIL sitting on the couch crying, my nephew crying and the cops standing in the doorway to the hallway that led to my sister's room. I looked at my BIL and I asked what was going on and he shook his had and I just knew.  Then he said it. She died. It was as if the wind had been knocked out of my chest. I was just there the night before. I went to pick up Justice and I sat down at her computer and played a game on it and then talked to her while I let traffic die down. I was there until 7pm I know. Here it was less than 24 hours later and she was gone. I walked outside crying and my mom hadn't even made to the porch yet and I told her and she and Ashley broke down. I couldn't think. I couldn't believe it.  I called my daddy. I called my cousin. I called another cousin. I called my aunt who called the other aunts. Now that I think about it, I was the bearer of bad news to many. No wonder I feel like shit about it. I called my boss and told him. Not sure why. I still showed up to work on Monday. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what not to do. The cops wouldn't let me go back and see her. They stood in the doorway like it was a crime scene. They even made us stand outside while the coroner went in to get her body. It was freezing cold outside. I got in my car and Ashley got in with me. I pulled up on the side of house and watched as they wheeled the black zipped up bag and put it into the van. By this time, two of my aunts had made it to the house and I can't really remember what more was said or what happened other than the drive home in silence. The only sound was sadness, tears and sniffling. I don't remember much else than going to work and then leaving to take my mom to the funeral home to meet with everyone to discuss arrangements. I was still in denial and wanting/wishing/praying that this was just a bad bad dream. That my sister would call me and tell me "psyche!" .. nope. Never happened. I got music together. I got pictures together. I remember going to the wake. I remember the anticipation of entering into that room and seeing her for the first time since the Friday before she passed. It wasn't real until I stepped into that room.  Did I mention that I had to pick out her clothes. I had to take my mom shopping for a shirt for my sister to wear in that casket. Sad day. It was a beautiful yellow shirt with yellow polka dots and we put a camisole under. She wore black leggings and high heels shoes. I am sorry Kathy that I didn't just put you in flip flops or just socks. Not that anyone got to see your shoes anyway. I would have put you in your favorite holey shorts and sweatshirt and pair of Keds if I could do it all over again, because I know that is what you would have worn if given the chance.  I was the last one at the casket before they closed it. It was like I almost had my "Steel Magnolias" moment. I was okay, cried but was seemingly okay until it was time to close the casket. I broke down. The ceremony itself was pleasant the best I can remember. I read a poem. Her best friend from California, Cher, was called and she read something. Some man stood up and read something and said some words. We played Sammy Hager for her. That was her man. Everyone knew it and understood it. It was right. I stayed and watched as they lowered the cement box top in and then as they covered that with the dirt. I just wanted to lay on top and never leave. I lost a piece of myself that day.

My mom and I had a different relationship. I didn't have a conventional childhood. My mom and dad divorced when I was two-ish. I remember living at my grand parents house. I grew up with my cousins that were around my age and lived at my grandparent's house until I was just about 12. My dad wasn't really around and my mom was always going out. I guess it was because she was so young when she had my sister and then me. Marriage came fast and in a hurry and then divorce. She didn't really get to be a teenager. I know I can't make excuses, but I think my mom did the best that she could. She got pregnant with my younger sister and had her before I turned 12. I became instant babysitter. I think I was a little resentful. I was the fat kid in school, so it wasn't like I had a social life, but I also didn't get to go do things because I got the chore of staying home and taking care of my little sister. She married my sister's father in 1998 just a few days after my grandpa died. :(  I miss him. He was that father figure and the constant man in my life. I felt like my dad chose my step mother over us. I felt like I wasn't good enough and couldn't do enough to be worthy of him coming and getting me and spending time with me. That was my own torment growing up. When I was 23 I decided that I wanted to get baptized. That was when my mom started getting sick. She went to the foot doctor to get her toe nails trimmed up and to get her thick skin on her feet shaved down. The doctor nicked her foot. Her foot got infected. We didn't know all of that and went on a vacation to South Padre Island. I think that was our last family vacation. :(  She got sick and her foot started turning purple near one of her toes. We took her to the ER and they said that she had infection in her foot and they were going to take her toe. They did. My mom spent the next year or so in and out of the hospital. She ultimately ended up with a below the knee amputation. It wasn't an easy choice to make for her nor was it easy to see her being taken piece by piece. I was there at that hospital every day and stayed most nights on the floor so that I could be there when the doctors made their early morning rounds since by the time I got off work no doctor was around to tell me what was going on with her. I think my mom was resentful that we let the doctors take foot. She was bitter for sure. She was in pain and then other problems started to arise. At one point, she had a stroke or we thought she did. She had slurred speech and couldn't open her left hand. They tried to tell my mom it was all in her head, but how can you manifest a hand that won't work and slurred speech? She had had many back surgeries while I was growing up, so she had this metal thingy in her back. She couldn't have a MRI anymore since it was in there. I don't know what else was going on with her. She could have had more things that were wrong. She suffered for many years with migraines and ailments that just continued because of diabetes. My stepdad left my mom in January 2010. The day that my sister returned from a trip of a lifetime to New York City. The only one of us to ever travel like that. His timing was impeccable. *enter more sarcasm* The day before my sister died, I got the mail out of the mailbox and there was a large envelope with my mom's name. She told me to open it. It was divorce papers. The asshole had told my mom that it was a trial separation and then went and filed. He technically filed the day he left. Coward. *enter more not nice things*  The last thing I said to my sister was "call mom. she isn't handling it well, we just got the divorce papers."  I didn't get to talk to her again because I was putting Justice down for the night and I fell asleep too. :(  The next day we went to a birthday party and when we got home was when I got the call about my sister. It was definitely a rough week for my mom, myself and well, all of us. The next week was my sister's wake and then funeral. My mom was on the floor one of the days I came home. I screamed because I thought she was dead. I called my cousin and told her that I found my mom on the floor and that her sugar was too low. She came over and helped me bring her around. I keep telling myself that I should have called EMS. But, I think she would have been taken and kept and wouldn't have been there for the wake and the funeral. After the funeral, again her sugar went to low. This time I called the EMS and they got her sugar back up. She didn't need to go to the ER so they said. The next day her fever was up to 104 at home and I took her at 1am to the ER. She had the flu and pneumonia. I apparently had the flu too. I was barking and a mess. They told me later that morning that she had H1N1 and that she would have to be put in isolation and in the ICU because of her severity. By Wednesday she was on the ventilator getting oxygen. By   Saturday they called me and told me that her kidneys were failing and that she needed to be put on dialysis. My mom NEVER wanted to be on dialysis. I talked myself into dialysis because it was to help give her lungs a fighting chance. My stepdad wasn't helpful. It was really my decision since they were in divorce status. With the help of Ashley and my Aunt Carrie, I made the call to put her on dialysis. We left my brother-in-law's house and went to the hospital. It took them a long time to get the dialysis working, but my mom wasn't really "there". It was as if she was staring off into space. :(  We left late that night. I had taken Justice over to my friend's house the day before heading over to the hospital. Ash and I had planned on heading up to the hospital early the next morning after getting some rest. I got a call at 7am saying that my mom had flatlined but they brought her back since there wasn't a DNR in place. I called one of the aunts and then Ash and I headed up to the hospital. By the time we got there, my aunts were there. We all met with the doctors and had to decide the next move. Dialysis wasn't working. She was on full ventilator and wasn't getting enough oxygen. Her lungs were full of fluid. Ecmo was the next step, but was painful and extreme and might not work. With my aunts and Ashley, we decided that taking her off life support was best for her. My stepdad didn't answer his phone and wasn't there. I had made a few calls saying what we were going to do and some more family was able to come up. She was still in ICU and was still contagious. We had to suit up to go in there with her, but I got to spend some more time with her before we decided it was time to turn off the machines. With Ashley on one side of her and me on the other, the nurse turned off the machines so we wouldn't see or hear the beep when she was gone. How in the world do you get the courage to nod that it is okay to turn off the ventilator??? I did. Then the nurse left the room. I started to cry and looked at my mom. She didn't take a breath. She didn't move. There was a still in the room. Eerie quiet. I looked up out the glass door of the ICU and the nurse was standing there and I looked at her as if asking if my mom had passed and she shook her head yes. I busted out crying and felt weak. I just gave up on my mom or that is how I feel about it now. That I just gave up on her. They tell me that I did an act of compassion by letting her go. I feel like she died of a broken heart. First her husband walked out and gave up on her, then she lost her oldest daughter. Did I give up on her too soon? Did I not fight enough for her?  I feel like she wanted to let go a long time ago. Losing her foot was a toll on her that took many years from her. She was so full of fight and gusto before this. She was the caregiver. She helped take care of my Popo when he was sick. I miss my mom terribly. I almost feel like I failed her to a certain extent. In the end, she got to go be with my grandfather and my sister. I know they are my angels watching over us. It just doesn't make it any easier missing them.